Awkward Truths of 2013

It's no secret management has been slacking on the upkeep of this blog. Life has not started being any less awkward than usual, so let's do a 2013 round up before I head to Vietnam. Which I'm sure will be a lot awkward in and of itself.

hi; not a recovering addict

1. I ended up falling asleep in the backseat of car on the way to the airport while the client was driving. Luckily I woke myself up with a loud snore.

2. A little while later, I had a dream with a pop-scare in it and woke up screaming...on a crowded plane.

Side note: My dreams have been startlingly vivid lately, in a completely evil and horrifying way. All incredibly dark nightmares or really melancholy memories. Never, like, a really realistic walk through Candyland. It's only been within the past six months to a year that my dreams have gotten really vivid and dark. Any advice? 

3. I got into some serious beef with a waitress at a fancy french restaurant because she claims that "You can't order the cheese plate as an appetizer because it's only for dessert." It didn't help I was super late to the dinner (wrong train stop + rolling a suitcase around San Fran + STUPID GOOGLE WALKING DIRECTIONS IN BETA) and had already annoyed the hostess with my giant suitcase and frazzled entrance. Regardless, no one puts Baby in a corner and no one tells bRob she can't order cheese whenever she durn well pleases. Obviously I had to order two desserts because even though I wanted the cheesecake I still needed that cheese platter. 70% on principle.

4. This profound purchase from my most first ever IKEA trip:

taking name suggestions...

For those of you still wondering, it's a stuffed rat. Never bought a stuffed animal in my life; in fact, i threw most stuffed animals i received under the bed because they took up too much space (i was a bratty little pragmatist). But maybe the wind was just right and the planets had aligned and also i was feeling super sentimental about McFly, and i could not leave the store without him.

5. Earlier this evening "The other day" I rationalized a two-hour nap because my arm was sore from the flu shot. Heaven help this girl if she ever actually gets the flu.

6. That time I fell in five-minute love with the guy I sat beside in first-class. He smelled nice, wore a smart corduroy blazer, told me about his yachting trip through Norwegian islands or something, smelled nice, was tall, dark and ambiguously ethnic, and walked me to my next gate. We'd obviously be married by now if I had actually gotten his name. hashtag missed connections. (HAHAHA We were in an airport. Connections. I'm killing myself over here....).

7. After I got incredibly fussy with the US Air ticket agent because she couldn't find my flight to Philadelphia, she patiently asked me, "Could you mean Pittsburgh?" Yeah, I meant Pittsburgh. Snotty bRob doesn't know the difference between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.

8. Early this fall I went on a date which we rounded out with a trip to the movie theater. Only neither of us actually knew what was playing, so we asked the ticket girl for recommendations for 'something funny'. She adorably suggested Don Jon. Neither of us was familiar with the movie, except I knew it starred JGL, whom i love dearly, and the ticket girl was just so darn adorable, so we bought the tickets.

Don Jon  was a bad choice.

My date and I had barely held hands up til that point, and I'll have it be known that watching sexy-time films [more like soft-core porn] together is not the relationship-builder you might think it is. The whole movie I sat as far away from my date as possible with my blushing head in my hands. You could have fit at least one other tiny person between us. You know how half the fun of movie dates is waiting for someone to grab your hand or look over adoringly mid-movie? Yeah, that never happened. As soon as the lights came on, I full on ran out of that movie theater without looking to see if my date followed. 

9. Awkward Truth number 9: My 2013 blogging record

10. This truth is more of a question, but everyone reads books in the bathroom, right? I believe in multi-tasking, but i'm starting to think maybe not everyone's as open-minded about efficiency. One semester I read A Streetcar Named Desire entirely while 'multi-tasking'. Follow-up question, if you borrow someone's book, is it implied that you'll be 'multi-tasking' with it, or should you ask explicitly?

Michelle if you're reading this, I don't mean your books. Honest.

I know. girl's a mess.

love,
bRob

Awkward Truths

My bangs oft resemble a bowl cut. OFT.

While driving home from the airport with my windows down, I was sprayed by a skunk. While driving. In a car. As politely as she could, my Grandma demanded I go take a shower.

I walk around with my skirt tucked up in my pantyhose, like...a lot. It should be noted that my coworkers are typically male and awkward and blush when i so much as put on mascara in the car. i expect they'll let me walk around with my skirt all up all day, so long as they don't have to make eye contact.

Finding earwax in your earbuds. You know.

In a heroic effort to stand up during a particularly rigorous 2 minutes of spin class, my knees buckled and i fell down, clinging to the handlebars of my stationary bike.

Unfortunately yoga didn't go much better - where running = yoga: 

via running is impossible

just a lot of laying around and trying to ignore the stupid teacher who won't stop teaching and wants even the most hopeless of cases to succeed when all Hopeless Case wants to do is nap and good lord if the 74 year old man next to me can do a half-crescent moon then what am i doing with my life

I am mad obsessed with the Cosby Show. It's kind of all-consuming right now. I find myself constantly wanting to tweet things like, "Isn't Sandra like the most annoying person on earth??" but i know everyone would be too busy live tweeting GoT to care and also half of you don't even appreciate my twitter gold like i think you should.

Side note: I named my fish Cosby. Because he's so funny and definitely a people fish.

Second side note: It is probably an awkward truth that i am also mad obsessed with my twitter account and am on the verge of constantly being offended that you guys never retweet me or anything but hey who's counting.

She says it best:

My coworker came up whisperasked me if I heard our other coworker passing gas. Um, wasn't listening, weirdo.

This gross old lady crush I've been nursing on Hunter Hayes: 

Also of course I'm old enough to have an old lady crush. OF COURSE.

stay true, stay awkward, DONT LET ANYONE DULL YOUR SPARKLE,

bRob

Awkward Truths

If you were to ask me which grocery store aisle is my favorite, and if I were to answer honestly, I would have to admit that I spent an exorbitant amount of time in the frozen food aisle last week. And not an adorably endearing amount of time - like when you see a single girl in a romCom picking out her lean cuisines right before she meets mister right and then only eats at fancy french restaurants - but a seriously messed up amount of time. Maybe fifteen minutes? I don't know. I paced up and down scavenging for dinner and tried to hide my face whenever anyone walked down the aisle.

Then I bought organic milk. I spent the whole [3-minute] drive home wondering what sort of person eats Red Baron frozen pizza while drinking organic milk.

On a scale from 1 to Hoarders, how gross is it that I haven't been washing my coffee cup between uses?

I dropped my dry shampoo in the toilet again, but on this blog, that has pretty much become a cliche.

So this one time when I was 11, I printed off the lyrics to My Favorite Things and memorized all 27 verses. I saw the Les Mis trailer the other day, and it's happening again. I've been perusing the YouTube for the past two days looking for the best rendition of I Dreamed A Dream and bouncing around my apartment singing it way better than Anne Hathaway ever could.

My roommate moved out and now I have no umbrella. Full disclosure: I've spent the last year using either the world's jankiest umbrella or my roommate's. Now I have nothing. NOTHING. Except for a few super-soaked walks to work under my belt.

But seriously, I am almost too ashamed to tell you this one:
Yesterday, when I went to the beach with some friends, I and my little eye spied a man with a peg-leg. He stood in the exact same spot for over an hour, so he kind of became our point of reference when the undertow pulled us down the beach. At one point I turned to my friends and said [loudly, of course, because it's me], "Where's Peg-leg? How do we know how far we've gone?" My friend leaned over and whispered, "That's his family, right beside us." His family then proceeded to get out of the water. I proceeded to duck under it.


I have started sleeping with my head at the foot of the bed. I think I just felt like mixing things up. It works because I haven't made my bed in a while and my comforter has just been kind of free floating in the middle of the bed.

keepin' it funky fresh.
-bRob

PS -  that sign-off will be in next week's Awkward Truths, for sure.

Awkward Truths

"i can kill some fried chicken"

tried to hit the main food groups

"i wonder if they  have shrimp cocktail up in this joint" 

we're the fun Bible study

-bRob

Awkward Truths: Anecdote Edition [my first kiss]

Here at Conversations, management [bRob] has decided to expand the scope of Awkward Truths to include some of bRob's awkward reel from the past. Enjoy.

My First Kiss 

The summer I turned fifteen, a mere fresh-faced [read: pimply and brace-y] child, my family boarded a cruise to Alaska. That boat would forever change my life. Mostly because Alaska is gorgeous, but also because I got my first kiss.

I spent ninety percent of my time on that cruise with the super-cool teen group [the other ten percent was spent eating. maybe 70-30 would be a more accurate distribution...]. We did everything together. We went to shows, played games, watched movies, flirted in a way that would make my twenty-something-year-old-self cringe. Also, we fell in love. And by we, I mean bRob. Juuuuust bRob.

His name was Matt. His little sister, Maria, and I became fast friends, which meant I should obviously be his first pick for cruise-girlfriend. He had beautifully tanned skin, dark black curls, and a huge calculus book. So mature for his age - studying calculus on a cruise. Enigma, in a word. My fifteen-year-old sophomore self boggled.

Also there was this kid named Chris who flirted a lot. He wore Rainbows before Rainbows were cool. He wrote poetry [read: "poetry"] with questionable grammar. Being from California, he was just so much older [Three. whole. years. Or maybe two? Who knows] and wiser in the ways of the world. Oh, and exotic. Being from CA definitely made him exotic.

My little teenage heart could barely handle all the emotional turmoil. I loved them, to be sure. But whom did I love more? Fate dealt a cruel hand, that week - sending two great loves my way [it should be noted that I have not since encountered this problem nor will I ever probably again]. 

On the last night of the cruise, the entire super-cool teen group celebrated by going to a final dinner together. Then Matt and Maria's parents made them leave early so they could get a good night's rest before debarkation [...seriously. They might've been home-schooled too, now that I think about it.]. Well that was that. No lingering glances, no trembling goodbyes, no meaningful hugs. Matt just left. Also Chris was being loud and obnoxious and disgustingly flirty. Obviously fate made my mind for me. Chris, then, would be the love of my life [read: week]. 

As all the other kids finally wandered off to go to bed or sneak alcohol from the bar or snag one last dessert, Chris and I wandered aimlessly, like creeps, through the halls of the boat, enjoying what was probably deep and marginally insightful conversation. I was looking absolutely gorgeous, my friends. I wore my cutest red tank-top under a cool, see-through white shirt. Remember when layering was the hottest thing? yeah. sure was. My stellar top combo was combined with light khaki capris that were about the same color as my legs. My hair was tied in two pigtails -two lopsided, mouse-brown pigtails. I even had minty gum in my mouth to hide the post-dinner halitosis. 

Hold onto your laptops, readers, because stuff's aboutta get real.

 As we slowed our walk, Chris flat-out told me he would kiss me.

In what I'm sure I thought was a slightly alluring and teasing voice I replied, "But I'm chewing gum." [This remains a problem even to this day. I am never  not chewing gum.]

He assured me it didn't matter. So manly. So wise.

A million thoughts ran through my brain. Most of them had to do with my gum. Did I swallow it? Side-pocket it? Give it to him? Is gum-sharing a thing?

In hindsight...I don't remember what I did. [which is probably why it's still a problem]. I finally said something super sweet like, "O.K."

And he did it. He leaned in...and stuck his tongue straight in my mouth. I don't even remember our lips touching. He had some kind of aim to get his tongue in without even making lip contact. Call me hard-hearted, but I almost gagged - it felt like I had a dead fish in my mouth. Years of romantic comedies had done me wrong, because this, my friends, was neither fun nor romantic.

I waited for as long as my nausea would hold off [three seconds], and then said, "Alright. That's enough of that."

No. Joke.

Then we awkwardly hug/cuddled [apparently Chris was not put off by the fact I found his kissing disgusting], said a nearly teary-eyed good-bye, and went our separate ways. 

how much puberty can you fit into one awkward photograph?
Both Chris and I are in this picture. I'm not going to tell you which one is Chris - it's more fun if you try and guess. Matt's not pictured. Trust me, though, he was a cutie.

-bRob

Epilogue: Chris and I kept in touch for about a month via email. His email signature was some short poem about blue eyes with terrible rhyme scheme and an incorrect "you're."

I can never change the fact that I shared my first kiss with someone who had bleached hair tips and can't distinguish between "your" and "you're."

Awkward Truths

so, that happened.

While driving home this evening, I was about 67% certain for 4 solid seconds that I saw a U.F.O. 
By using my deductive reasoning skills, I am now 83% certain it was merely a weirdly-colored mid-highway streetlamp. The other 17% of the mind boggles...

I ate at a Mongolian buffet today, and I am not too classy to say I unbuttoned my skinny jeans in my car afterwards.

After a long day that ended an hour ago, I began the rest of my evening with a plan to do work. Instead I ended up here. With you.

I almost blogged today about ringtones that stink the most. That would be both nasty and lame. bRob needs to get un-grumpy.

During worship today, I got very frustrated over an "it's" instead of an "its" in the song lyrics on the screen. Do you think having decent grammar counts as a spiritual gift? Or a sign that someone is a little too concerned about things that absolutely don't matter [except they do sometimes].

After looking over some friends' blogs, I am very unimpressed with my own DIY skill-level. That is to say, I am feeling largely inadequate over the fact that I have none.

Side note: I hammered a really cute thing on my wall the other day. I'm going to take a picture of it and show it to you. You, of course, are going to be impressed, not necessarily because it was difficult, but rather it shows an initiative on my part to do something with myself besides watch hulu and go to class. Even if it is just nailing a cute thing to the wall.

Months later I still haven't moved my alarm clock an hour forward. Or backward. Or whatever it was we were supposed to do.  I just switched to using my phone for my alarm...

Someone told me to google myself to see what future employers might find if they looked me up. I'm pretty sure that one truth alone is enough to never get me hired ever. Luckily for me, bRob is not my real name. Does that shock you?

I can't breathe through my nose right now so I'm sitting here with my mouth gaping open like a trout.


And on account of being pathetic and sickly and being able to breathe out of only one nostril, I am going to sign off here before my truths disintegrate from awkward to nonsensical.

-bRob

sometimes I want to add -atropolis to the end of my name. Would you take me seriously if I signed off bRobatropolis?

See, this is what i'm talking about. I shouldn't have continued typing.

Awkward Truths

Herp derp.

I watched my Grandma get hit on. While we were at a gas station. "Dandy Don", as he is called, asked her to come see him at the Masonic Lodge....

Let me get this straight: I am a single, 20-something-year-old female at an engineering university, and my Grandma still gets asked out more than I do. I'm clearly doing something wrong.


 I dropped my bottle of dry shampoo in the toilet. Again. You would think I would just start washing my hair more, like a normal person. You would think wrong.
Super senior year is not a great look for me.


 I accidentally drove the wrong way down a one-way road. Right after I took my GRE's. We're really lucky the GRE's don't test common sense.


My friend gave me his student ID so I could use his meal plan for breakfast at the dining hall one day. The dining hall lady was pretty cheesed off when the card didn't swipe properly and she actually looked at the ID.

I can't even sneak into a dining hall. I'm losing the edge I never had.


 I'm being coerced into attending a dept luncheon as the guest of one of my former (70+ year old) professors. This may not seem awkward yet, but trust me, it will be. And if you knew this professor...it would seem a whole lot more awkward.


 I bought a few bags of mini-marshmallows to put in my hot chocolate. Two bags later, I still haven't actually made any hot chocolate.


How's your awkward going? Be cool, folks!

-bRob

Awkward Truths

I really outdid myself this week.

that's just how my face looks. 

I walked directly through a funeral procession. I was a little confused, because the procession didn't stop at the intersection when the light turned red. A hearse driver waved me through...or held up his hand for me to stop. I couldn't really tell, so I bolted. I mean, it's not as if a hearse has a reason to rush...right?



I can't use chopsticks, and I went to the one sushi restaurant on the planet that doesn't take pity on people like me and provide forks. I ate sushi with my fingers. In public.



While I was playing with my robot in the lab the other day, a happy family stopped and watched me through the window. The only thing is that I can't figure out how to make my robot move forward, much less do anything awesome, so they sat there and stared as my robot rotated one inch forward over the course of two minutes. The family gave up and walked off, presumably to find something more interesting to watch, like grass growing.




The jewel on my crown of shame:
While out with a friend the other night, I pointed out that the guy sitting behind him looked just like Ray Lamontagne, the love of my life. My friend, despite my loud protests, walked over to fakeRay's table, told him my name, and then walked off, leaving me sitting alone and staring directly at fakeRay in awe. I was like deer in headlights as fakeRay turned to look at me, chuckled, and proceeded to turn back to his friend and continue his conversation.

RUDE. Real Ray would never do that. I debated whether to cry or kick my friend in the back of the knees. I opted for grabbing my phone and pretending I had fourteen texts to answer.




While walking past a bunch of frat boys playing football the other day, I walked face-first into a low, twiggy branch.



You've gotta laugh to keep from crying, right?

-bRob

Awkward Truths

Because I'm forever awkward.

This is what I look like every time  I do homework:

a) zebra -striped snuggie

b) vest

c) notecards strewn about

d) two cans of diet soda

e)staring blankly at the screen

My roommate convinced me to go to group workout. I stopped working out every time the instructor stopped looking.

I finally got around to watching some of my class's lectures online (because I never pay attention the first time around). I either need to stop sitting on the front row or do something about my hair, because apparently I am on camera.

The walls of my duplex are thinner than I thought, and the kids next door are either having babies or making them. 

 It made me giggle.

I got stuck sitting between a couple [...] at a large table the other day. They proceeded to play footsie across me. Rude, amIrite? Next time I'm going to slip my foot into the mix and see if they notice.

Super senior year is not a good look for me. I've given up and lost the will to try. I went to the library today unshowered and in my pajamas. When I told my grandma, she looked horrified.

Apparently my grandma thinks I'm gross.

A dirty old man at the alumni luncheon I attended spent a little too much time leering and making me sufficiently uncomfortable [that's the last time I change out of my pajamas for the rest of the year].

Still haven't gotten the taillights fixed.

I brought someone  a cupcake the other day, but I took a corner too quickly and the box tipped over. The box was sealed, though, so I couldn't tell if the cupcake made it or not. When I handed my friend the cupcake, I tried to make a joke about Schroedinger's cupcake. I was the only one who thought it was hilarious. I guess that's all that really matters, eh?

Probably my most embarrassing truth yet: I just got a twitter, because we've all been so desperate to follow every single one of bRob's thoughts in real time, right?
You are very welcome to follow me @ bandInterWebs or just leave a comment on this post with helpful tips for using twitter.
It's got me a little bamboozled, to be quite honest.

Do you have any awkward truths to share? Or are you all incredibly charming and suave  =)?

-bRob

Some Awkward Truths

Approximately half of the lights on my car are working right now. Typical.

I wore the same pair of jeans four days in a row this week. Depending on how I feel tomorrow, they may make a fifth appearance.

Let's get serious here, I'm probably going to see how long I can get away with my burnt out car lights. [Unless you, dear reader, are a traffic cop. In which case I'm only trying to be funny.]

My diet this week has consisted of macaroni & cheese and chicken nuggets.

Probably the one successful dish I've ever made, practically from scratchish. Find the recipe here.  ;) I added the bacon bits! This is coming from a girl who screwed up a baked potato.

Partially because I hate folding laundry and partially because this week's been straight outta crazyville, I slept under two loads of laundry dumped haphazardly on my bed. [I was almost too embarrassed to tell you that one...]

Also, spell-checker had to correct my misspelling of the word 'embarrassed'. Embarrassing.

Despite my vociferous protests against all forms of the pantsless pandemic...I'm currently wearing leggings. I know, I know, hypocrisy is strong with this one.

I decided getting this week's free cupcake was more important than getting to class on-time. [...I still do. Unless my parents are reading this, in which case I'm only trying to be funny.]

canadian maple bacon
believe it or not, one of the best cupcakes i've ever eaten.
the maple frosting was almost as delicious as the bacon baked into the cupcake.

What are your awkward truths of the week? I'm all about some full disclosure.

-bRob