Waiting, in Silence

I am a problem-solver. Not a particularly good one, but a problem-solver nevertheless. Have you heard that dumb interview question, "Which would you rather have: a problem or a blank piece of paper?" I will always pick the problem. If you hand me a blank piece of paper all you're going to get is 11 poorly drawn cubes, maybe a spiral, and blood from the two papercuts I'm basically contractually obliged to get.

But when you give me a problem, I spring into action. I love problems because I love answers. And I love answers because I love knowing exactly what to do.

In the middle of uncertainty and struggle, then, I immediately go into problem-solving mode. When money gets tight, when sickness enters the family, or when I can't stand the thought of working another day at this damn job - I start googling, drawing charts, building spreadsheets. I make contingency plans. And if that fails, I begin calling people - the boyfriend, someone from church, my Dad - someone who can tell me what to do.

I've been dealing with some personal battles for the past couple of weeks, and I desperately long for someone to give me answers. At this point I might even take a bad answer, so long as I have one. But, for the first time, as I began writing the text or an overwrought email, I stopped myself.

As much as I want a plan, and as I sit in the still, small, and necessarily intimate space of my 450 ft studio apartment, I have felt the quiet conviction that God wants me come to Him instead. Where I would text someone, He wants me to sit down. When I start googling, He wants me to be still and pray. When I want to cry to a friend, He is asking me to cry out to Him first.

I felt affirmed in my conviction as I was reading Lamentations the other day. Of a suffering man, the author writes,

Let him sit alone and be silent
Since He has laid it on him. (Lamentations 3:28, NASB)

I don't know why I found this verse so profound, because as I mulled it over, I realize God has been speaking this message to me again and again, year after year, across the pages of His word.

The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent. (Exodus 14:14, NASB)

Cease striving and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10, NASB), or
Be still, and know that I am God. (NIV)

Whom have I in heaven but You? (Psalm 73:25, NASB)

I don't have enough words within me to explain how hard and lonely it is to recognize and give up a reliance on human assurance. To put down the phone, shut off the laptop, and get down on your knees. To pray to a God that at times seems distant, while earthly advice seems so tangible.

But, at the end of the day and at the end of your life, it comes down to you and God. No one on this earth can fight the battles you will face. There is nothing in this world that can save you from your worst fears. The only hope you have is in Christ. God alone is the blessed controller of all things, and He demands your submission to His sovereignty.

So. We sit in our tiny, intimate rooms and quietly place our trust in a God who is far wiser and promises that every minute of waiting is for our good and His glory. We pray and cry out to a God that allows our suffering and sometimes meets us with silence, because we know we will not wait forever. We rely on a God who leads us down paths we do not understand, because He assures us that He is prospering us (Jeremiah 29:11), restoring us (1 Peter 5:10) , and fighting for us (Exodus 14:14).

We cease our striving and sit alone and wait on our God, because we know that our hope is not here.

-Britt

A Fresh Adventure

For those of you that haven't kept up with this little blog, I take the Full Disclosure above very seriously. I'm an over-sharer. If that makes you squeamish, you might just avoid this post. Or just read it realllll awkward-like. Your choice.

I just cried in an airport bathroom. Like, in the stall. I chased that down with a Happy Meal from McDiabetes, where I cried a little more. in a crowded airport. And then at an empty gate. And now I'm blogging at another gate. If you didn't know me any better, you might think that was pretty embarrassing. But then again I'm the sort of person who drools all the way down her shirt in front of her boss [i don't even know] and walks around with her skirt tucked up in her pantyhose...like, a lot. So I guess in the grand scheme of things, sobbing my way through DFW is small fries.

//Then I caught a plane and this post was put on hold//

As I sit down to finish this post, my eyes are still stinging from fresh new tears, and I'm sitting in the middle of shoes, text books, and a cello that have yet to be packed. I'm moving into my Grandma's house today.

I've spent the better part of a year rebelling against the Lord. Ignoring His will and desires for me, and choosing my own. Forsaking joy for fleeting happiness. Hurting people who care about me. Meeting my very truest worst self.

And this past week in a sudden whirlwind that could've only been orchestrated by God, everything came to a sudden halt. In one abrupt moment, all the carefully laid plans and hopes and life I'd whittled away for myself broke into tiny, splintering shards.

I am scared. I am angry. I am hurting. I am broken.

I hate that I'm moving. I feel like I'm leaving this city that's been my home for the past few years in absolute shame. This is never how I wanted to leave.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm fleeing my temptations or running from my problems. I am broken-hearted about so many things. I'm angry at the friends that gave up on me in my rebellion - the ones that refuse to even talk to me anymore.  I wish I had the time to take one last walk around my beloved alma mater and breathe the campus air, eat one more London Broil from Mitch's, go jog around Lake Johnson, drive down Hillsborough street, worship one last time at the Summit. Leave on good terms. I am ashamed of how I've hurt people I care deeply about.

Coming out of my rebellion shows me how truly broken I am. My struggle with anger has become increasingly dangerous and self-destructive. I have little to no community. And I've spent so long stifling the Spirit's voice, I have no idea how to listen anymore.

I cried out to God last week, You PROMISED to remain faithful, even if I was faithless. How can I fix all my broken pieces and struggles? How will I find community in this new podunk town? How will I be better if I can't even figure out everything that's wrong? Where are You? And out of the chaos He quietly said, "I will provide."

So that's what I have right now. A broken heart and the promise of the God Who Will Provide.

Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,
and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, 

but rather be healed.

Hebrews 12: 12 - 13

Dear readers, you've seen me through Europe, pets, graduation, awkward moments, and many a splendid thing. But now it's time for a fresh adventure - learning to live a simple, peaceful life with my God. [...And my Grandma, a godly woman who says to me daily, Miss Britt, talk to Jesus.]

Here's to setting my paths straight and healing the broken bones.

I hope you'll keep reading.

-bRob

PS - I've sat down to write this post at least four times. It's taken a long time because a) this is hard, b) my life is genuinely chaotic at this moment. But already I've received encouragement from friends, and some of the ideas in this post are evolving. I will keep this post the way it is, however, because this is a journey. There will be good moments, bad moments, but I will try to be diligent about chronicling the Lord's faithfulness and salvation all the way through. And one day I will look back on the beginning of this journey and think, look how far the Lord has brought me.

Das Leben des Maedchen

[The life of the girl]

These past few weeks have been crazy busy with projects. And not cute DIY art projects where I make my own lampshades or dye my own headbands [this is not the blog you are looking for]. These projects are the kind where you design your own distribution center or improve rotor production at a local aircraft supplier. For example.

and now it's finals time. Studying is not going super awesomely right now. If you know me this semester, then you'll understand. If you a) don't know me or b) haven't seen me in a few months - senioritus has hit HARD. Believe it or not, I used to care a lot about school and earning delicious grades - it was kinda my shtick. Watching me study now, however, is probably somewhat comparable to watching -- ok, I can't think of a metaphor (simile?) dramatic enough. But it's disappointing.

Also, I've been thinking about some things I've been struggling with, and how tedious and, full disclosure, sad it can be to face some of the same challenges again and again. This isn't melodrama, this is me being real with you. Some days I would rather ignore or even give into my struggles.

I remember reading this about a year ago, and it seems pretty relevant:

“Make no mistake,' He says, 'if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect - until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.” (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Truth. The journey to perfection does not always follow the easy path I'd prefer. And in those moments it can be so tempting to push the Lord away. Sometimes I do.

One thing I rest in, though, is that I have a God whose love is unwavering, despite my hesitation and reluctance. I know that one day I will look at that hesitation and think how nonsensical it is. How can I run away from the one Person who loves me perfectly and wholly?

My accountability buddy and future roomie, J, made me this incredible paper chain. Whenever I am struggling, she told me to take one loop off the chain and read what's inside.

Isn't that incredible? She's a beautiful person. God has blessed me richly with her friendship.

Anyways, on a less serious note...

In case you haven't heard about my life recently -  I've decided to postpone grad school for the time being. In what I think was sort of divine, a kind of dream job presented itself, and I have signed on as an entry-level consultant at a virtual firm.

And by virtual, I mean I get to live wherever I want and travel a lot. Seems aight to me.

Also, I don't begin work until this fall, and all of my summer plans have fallen through...so...you know, plan something fun and invite me. Ok?

Just kidding.

but seriously.

In the meantime, I've got to study for some finals. Just a little bit longer...

a highly irrelevant picture.
i took the manufacturing club on a tour of the a local brewery...where they manufacture beer...
also, no one from the club showed up, but some other IE friends did. 

-bRob


PS - I want to say a big THANK-YOU to all of my readers! This past month was Conversations' biggest month yet! While that may be due in large part to a Russian spam-bot and people googling for pictures of Ron Swanson without a beard, I'm still encouraged! Your sweet [or sassy =] comments are always wonderful.
Here's some Webs love for you:

 via andysamberg.blogspot

If You Fail, I Won't Point and Laugh

Merry Christmas
from our house to yours

On a note unrelated to anything, I'm going to tell you what frustrates me.

Do you ever express worry or concern about an upcoming something you have to do, only to be told, "Oh, you'll be just fine" ?

For instance, "I have a really difficult final next Monday. It's going to be bad."
"You'll be just fine. I have absolute faith in you."

Well, that makes one of us. Seriously, though, I know this is the most ridiculous pet peeve on earth, but when someone assures me I will be so fine and I couldn't possibly screw something up that badly, it makes me that much more tense.

Because what happens if I actually do mess up? Will this non-doubter suddenly be disgusted or dismayed by my performance? Will he or she rethink every positive thought he or she ever thought about me? Something alone the lines of, "Wow. Maybe bRob isn't on her game at all."

When someone brushes off the possibility of failure so cavalierly [and we always do], it terrifies me. If the idea of my failure is so inconceivable, what does it say about me if I do fail?

So here is a harsh brick of truth for you. You might do wrong. You might mess up. You might screw something up terribly. You will not always land the job, get the A, or win the election for historian of your favorite club.

But guess what? I will not judge you for that. Even if it makes no sense how you messed up so badly, I will still think you are an incredible person [assuming I felt that way to begin with...]. You may get down on yourself, but I won't. You're still you, and bombing something terribly, while embarrassing, will not change that.

And not to Jesus-juke you...
but almost certainly to Jesus - juke you...

Jesus will love you too. You can do the dumbest, most twisted thing on earth, and He will not change His mind about you. You're still God's awesome, beautiful child.

And if you are a cavalier "Nah, you'll do just fine"-sayer, maybe try saying something like "You will probably do just fine. But even if you don't and you do really really terribly and it's just embarrassing, it won't matter to me one bit."

Or am I being ridiculous?

Maybe. It's kind of a thing I sometimes do.

Outtakes from a failed Christmas shoot

-bRob

Some Awkward Truths

Approximately half of the lights on my car are working right now. Typical.

I wore the same pair of jeans four days in a row this week. Depending on how I feel tomorrow, they may make a fifth appearance.

Let's get serious here, I'm probably going to see how long I can get away with my burnt out car lights. [Unless you, dear reader, are a traffic cop. In which case I'm only trying to be funny.]

My diet this week has consisted of macaroni & cheese and chicken nuggets.

Probably the one successful dish I've ever made, practically from scratchish. Find the recipe here.  ;) I added the bacon bits! This is coming from a girl who screwed up a baked potato.

Partially because I hate folding laundry and partially because this week's been straight outta crazyville, I slept under two loads of laundry dumped haphazardly on my bed. [I was almost too embarrassed to tell you that one...]

Also, spell-checker had to correct my misspelling of the word 'embarrassed'. Embarrassing.

Despite my vociferous protests against all forms of the pantsless pandemic...I'm currently wearing leggings. I know, I know, hypocrisy is strong with this one.

I decided getting this week's free cupcake was more important than getting to class on-time. [...I still do. Unless my parents are reading this, in which case I'm only trying to be funny.]

canadian maple bacon
believe it or not, one of the best cupcakes i've ever eaten.
the maple frosting was almost as delicious as the bacon baked into the cupcake.

What are your awkward truths of the week? I'm all about some full disclosure.

-bRob

Sweet Tea and Truth

Hey-o, InterWebs. I've started school now. It's crazy hectic, and I complain a lot, but, you know what, InterWebs? I kind of love it anyways.


     I'm at the point where I don't actually know what classes I'm taking anymore or what they're about - I just sign up for course numbers.  I'm kinda scared, because I have one homework assignment  for some class (called something) due the exact same day as the first class. Uh-oh. Guess who needs to start teaching herself whatever it is that class is about? bRob. Here's a picture of why I won't be able to feed my rats for the next year: The objects in this picture amount to a sum greater than $650. PERSONAL PIC of the day >



On a much less trivial, way awesome-r note, a sweet friend of mine gave her life to Christ this week! Hooooo-rah. This precious friend's life is going to change so much. It is my prayer that her Christian brothers and sisters will surround her and let her know what a big deal this really is.
    Perhaps you're wondering what I mean when I say, "gave her life to Christ." It sound like another hokey Bible Belt colloquialism, right? And that, in a way, is what it has become. Everyone has "given his/her life to Christ" once you've gone south of the Mason-Dixon line. You drink sweet tea and go to church and you believe in God.
"You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder." James 2:19

  Believing in God ain't nothin' special. Lots of people do it. It's an intellectual fact to believe in God. It costs you nothing. Believing in God/Jesus will not save you, in and of itself. To truly receive salvation, you have to be a follower of Christ.  But who follows Christ? From the gospels, we see a group of men [and some women, too!] who were called to follow Jesus and earnestly sought His teachings. Many left their lives [jobs, families, hometowns] behind in order to study under the ultimate Rabbi. And God asks the same of you. There is a prevailing theme in the New Testament that one must die to his flesh before he can gain Christ.

[ Mark 8:34-35  “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life^[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it."]

You are flesh and sin, at your core. And one day, you'll find out how empty you are. You'll see the earth for the gross, broken place it is. And, hopefully, you'll recognize that God can bring you out of the broken mess (Psalm 103:4).  And you'll accept Jesus' atonement for your sins, and the Holy Spirit will  set up  camp inside of you.  And from that day forth, you and the Holy Spirit are going to team up to fight your flesh (Romans 8). For we die to ourselves and are resurrected as new creations (2 Cor 5:17).
      Followers of Christ accept a will that is far greater (pleasing and perfect) and far different  than that of their flesh.  Sometimes it hurts - not everyone will agree with your life or support you.You'll feel ostracized, at times. But Jesus did, too. He accepted rejection and the world's hatred because He loved you.
   So what greater honor than to live as He did? There is hope, you have purpose, and you are redeemed. You will one day leave these lusts behind for paradise.You are a child of truth, adopted by a Father who will never leave you ("He remains faithful, even when we are faithless.")  And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us? He will shower you with His affection and blessings, so let the world wreak its havoc. You are in the hand of the God who conquered death.

Anyways - all of this - this long post- was my way of saying that my friend has done something phenomenal. . Angels are rejoicing, and God is so stoked that she has called Him father. And I hope you'll stop and pray and rejoice for her!

This verse amazed me this week: For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
(1 Cor 13:12)
 I am fully known. And one day I'll know Him clearly.

-bRob

PS - i slid in the ice and fell today. Twice. As someone tried to help me up from the first fall, I fell again and spilled tea in my hair.

PSS - today I am thankful for string cheese. It's the bombinist.