Fact over Feeling//Joy over Sadness

I don't know if I've told you this or not, Webs, but I struggle with depression. Now, depression comes in all colors and shapes and sizes, and I won't say mine is better or worse or harder or easier - what matters is that it is my burden. We all have our burdens, don't we?

Yesterday I felt the familiar dull, ache-y haze settling around me. Discouragement, apathy, and slow, throbbing heartache. I don't know what sadness or discouragement looks like for you, but it makes me just want to stop. Stop everything. Just lay in bed and stare at the wall in hopelessness. There are so many things that seem wrong right now.

I've been hobbling around on a cane for the past few days because my foot and ankle ache so badly, and I can't figure out why. I finally have the space and time to jog, only i can't. I don't know how I'll ever get back in shape and I CANT FIT INTO A SINGLE DAMN THING I OWN I WEAR THE SAME BURGUNDY PANTS ABOUT 12 TIMES A WEEK AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME A PAIR OF PANTS THAT FITS. I have work enough to last 3 lifetimes, I think, and it's all super important and high priority though for the life of me i don't understand why this powerpoint needs another illegible infographic. i sincerely have no idea how i'll get it all done. and then of course there's every hurt and every awful thought swarming around inside me. I see what the devil's doing, and i see where he's trying to get my brain to go, and sometimes i feel too powerless to fight it.

But I woke up to another luscious green day out here in podunk nowhere, and today I feel called to choose. Choose to dwell in my sorrows or acknowledge the joy I've been given*. I can't say I feel any joy right now, but the fact is this: I have every reason to be joyous.

I have received encouragement from so many unexpected places (every one of your messages, comments, texts, conversations means the world - thank-you). I have The Cosby Show on dvd (this just seems like a thing to be grateful for because it is HILARIOUS). I live in the most gorgeous areas with cows so i can have more cow conversations on walks with my janky cane. My Grandma takes great care of me and loves me well.

Most importantly, I am reminded that I have been wrenched from sin and darkness and my worst self. God had me in His eye throughout my entire rebellion and never stopped wanting more for me. His vision for me was never an angry, broken, selfish half life that falls so so short. My Adopted Father has a grand beautiful plan for me (and you, by the way) and my (..and your) life in His Kingdom, though it may take some hurting and healing and refining to get there.

So today I will choose to focus on the facts - my joy - rather than succumb to feelings - my sadness.

-bRob

* I mean it when I say I know that depression comes in all forms. And I know that managing sorrow is not often as simple as choosing not to dwell in it, and sadness and joy are not mutually exclusive. This is just my sadness, my today.

PS. We should probably just change the name of this blog to Whatever JJ Heller Song bRob is Currently Crying About.

Brokenness made beautiful

The wars that You have won

And the storms You calmed in me

Things You Probably Don't Think Are Worth Blogging About

But they are, to me. They are.

I ripped my pants this weekend. If that isn't a sign that someone needs to get her slightly doughy self to the gym, I sure don't know what is.

My friend, who doubles as my personal trainer because I asked her what sort of things I could do to not have my pants rip open again, sent me a link on being a motivated runner.

Well, lucky for me, I am one step ahead of the game, because Tip #1 is to blog. So now I just have to be fully transparent with you and let you know whether or not I'm running. You, of course, are not allowed to judge me, but rather love me and support me, and by that I mean just praise me when I run and absolutely do not question me if I don't. Also, it would be great if you exclaimed, "WOW look how much weight you've lost you must be running marathons on a bi-daily basis" every so often when passing me on campus or at the Lion or wherever. wherever.

Guys, here goes. I RAN today. 5 [read: 2] miles. Ok, ok, ok, I'll be more honest about my mileage when it isn't so I-eat-Gigi's-free-cupcakes-every-Thursday sad, you know what I mean?

In other news, my little weekend jaunt resulted two project extensions. And here I sit, after the initial due date of the project, not any closer to having started. I'm kind of operating under the "Well, i can't NOT turn it in so it'll get done somehow before tomorrow night" philosophy. Just not right now. It won't get done now.

Aside from me going to the gym by myself of my own accord, today was not special, if you know what I mean. If you are in a happy relationship, congratulations for you [seriously. ish.], but you probably don't know what I mean. If you're single and relishing your freedom, you also don't know what I mean. If you are 10x the Christian I am and spent today focusing on God's love for us, you are way more on your A-game and also probably do not know what I mean. For the rest of you, you might know what I mean.

Time to go listen to Duffy or Ray.

-bRob

PS - I'm really hungry.

Step 2

Happy Blogging Step 2: Blog when you are happy. Actually take the time to sit down and blog when you're feeling good. I generally sad blog because I want someone (the internet counts as a friend, right?) to listen to meeeee. Well now my friend, InterWebs, is going to listen to me talk about the good things going on right now.

First of all, new rule: I have to say something for which I'm thankful EVERY TIME I BLOG.







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Get it??? Oatmeal + peanut butter! YUM. I'm so impressed that I was I able to load these pics. I'm really not very technologically inclined.

Also - I'm thankful for instant forgiveness (I could have made a cheesy segue from instant oatmeal to instant forgiveness, but I DID NOT. )
I'm one of those people that never forgives myself. God, however, is not like that. When you pray sincerely for forgiveness, the Lord doesn't "need a little time to think about it". He forgives you. Right then and there. Is that not weird? WEIRD IN A GOOD WAY. When I pray for forgiveness, I tend to pray about 7 times for the same sin. But guess what? God forgave me after the first prayer. I tend to limit God by my own perceptions of myself and humanity. Because I take so long to forgive myself, God must too. I must FEEL forgiven before I actually am, right? In the words of Jim Carry as the Grinch, WRONG-O. No. If you don't "feel" forgiven, that's on you. Get past it. Get over it. You've repented, and God's forgiven you - messy, broken, stubborn you.

Holla - lujah!

Anyways -

I talked to the South Africa study abroad people (I will just call them "the people" because they're through a third party and I don't really know what else to call them). I get an automatic grant because I go to a public university! It's not huge, but it definitely helps alleviate some costs. And classes DO transfer credit towards my major. I have hope!!!! Onward and upwards: tomorrow I will be calling the study abroad office and sweet-talking my adviser. Let us hope that this will go somewhere (like....South Africa!!!).

Also - I will be mentoring a little girl during my time here at the Dubya. Well, I'll be meeting her tomorrow to see if she's a good match. Shout a prayer out (all one of you readers...) for me - apparently she is a bit of a "mess." I don't know what that means...does she not shower? Will she set my apartment on fire? I don't know. All I know is I'm super excited to have a little friend :) Elementary schoolers are in love with absolutely everything. Everything's fun when you're 8! I hope it works out.

So. Other than that - today was normal. I got yelled at again at work. I didn't really do anything that merited being chewed out. People just like to yell at me because they need someone to yell at. I've been thinking about putting a coin jar out - every time you yell at the co-op, put in a dollar.

Imma be rollin in mad moneyzzzzz.

I should go running now.... 3 miles? (And by 3 I mean 1.5).

tschau,
bRob