Fact over Feeling//Joy over Sadness

I don't know if I've told you this or not, Webs, but I struggle with depression. Now, depression comes in all colors and shapes and sizes, and I won't say mine is better or worse or harder or easier - what matters is that it is my burden. We all have our burdens, don't we?

Yesterday I felt the familiar dull, ache-y haze settling around me. Discouragement, apathy, and slow, throbbing heartache. I don't know what sadness or discouragement looks like for you, but it makes me just want to stop. Stop everything. Just lay in bed and stare at the wall in hopelessness. There are so many things that seem wrong right now.

I've been hobbling around on a cane for the past few days because my foot and ankle ache so badly, and I can't figure out why. I finally have the space and time to jog, only i can't. I don't know how I'll ever get back in shape and I CANT FIT INTO A SINGLE DAMN THING I OWN I WEAR THE SAME BURGUNDY PANTS ABOUT 12 TIMES A WEEK AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME A PAIR OF PANTS THAT FITS. I have work enough to last 3 lifetimes, I think, and it's all super important and high priority though for the life of me i don't understand why this powerpoint needs another illegible infographic. i sincerely have no idea how i'll get it all done. and then of course there's every hurt and every awful thought swarming around inside me. I see what the devil's doing, and i see where he's trying to get my brain to go, and sometimes i feel too powerless to fight it.

But I woke up to another luscious green day out here in podunk nowhere, and today I feel called to choose. Choose to dwell in my sorrows or acknowledge the joy I've been given*. I can't say I feel any joy right now, but the fact is this: I have every reason to be joyous.

I have received encouragement from so many unexpected places (every one of your messages, comments, texts, conversations means the world - thank-you). I have The Cosby Show on dvd (this just seems like a thing to be grateful for because it is HILARIOUS). I live in the most gorgeous areas with cows so i can have more cow conversations on walks with my janky cane. My Grandma takes great care of me and loves me well.

Most importantly, I am reminded that I have been wrenched from sin and darkness and my worst self. God had me in His eye throughout my entire rebellion and never stopped wanting more for me. His vision for me was never an angry, broken, selfish half life that falls so so short. My Adopted Father has a grand beautiful plan for me (and you, by the way) and my (..and your) life in His Kingdom, though it may take some hurting and healing and refining to get there.

So today I will choose to focus on the facts - my joy - rather than succumb to feelings - my sadness.


* I mean it when I say I know that depression comes in all forms. And I know that managing sorrow is not often as simple as choosing not to dwell in it, and sadness and joy are not mutually exclusive. This is just my sadness, my today.

PS. We should probably just change the name of this blog to Whatever JJ Heller Song bRob is Currently Crying About.

Brokenness made beautiful
The wars that You have won
And the storms You calmed in me


A Fresh Adventure

For those of you that haven't kept up with this little blog, I take the Full Disclosure above very seriously. I'm an over-sharer. If that makes you squeamish, you might just avoid this post. Or just read it realllll awkward-like. Your choice.

I just cried in an airport bathroom. Like, in the stall. I chased that down with a Happy Meal from McDiabetes, where I cried a little more. in a crowded airport. And then at an empty gate. And now I'm blogging at another gate. If you didn't know me any better, you might think that was pretty embarrassing. But then again I'm the sort of person who drools all the way down her shirt in front of her boss [i don't even know] and walks around with her skirt tucked up in her pantyhose...like, a lot. So I guess in the grand scheme of things, sobbing my way through DFW is small fries.

//Then I caught a plane and this post was put on hold//

As I sit down to finish this post, my eyes are still stinging from fresh new tears, and I'm sitting in the middle of shoes, text books, and a cello that have yet to be packed. I'm moving into my Grandma's house today.

I've spent the better part of a year rebelling against the Lord. Ignoring His will and desires for me, and choosing my own. Forsaking joy for fleeting happiness. Hurting people who care about me. Meeting my very truest worst self.

And this past week in a sudden whirlwind that could've only been orchestrated by God, everything came to a sudden halt. In one abrupt moment, all the carefully laid plans and hopes and life I'd whittled away for myself broke into tiny, splintering shards.

I am scared. I am angry. I am hurting. I am broken.

I hate that I'm moving. I feel like I'm leaving this city that's been my home for the past few years in absolute shame. This is never how I wanted to leave.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm fleeing my temptations or running from my problems. I am broken-hearted about so many things. I'm angry at the friends that gave up on me in my rebellion - the ones that refuse to even talk to me anymore.  I wish I had the time to take one last walk around my beloved alma mater and breathe the campus air, eat one more London Broil from Mitch's, go jog around Lake Johnson, drive down Hillsborough street, worship one last time at the Summit. Leave on good terms. I am ashamed of how I've hurt people I care deeply about.

Coming out of my rebellion shows me how truly broken I am. My struggle with anger has become increasingly dangerous and self-destructive. I have little to no community. And I've spent so long stifling the Spirit's voice, I have no idea how to listen anymore.

I cried out to God last week, You PROMISED to remain faithful, even if I was faithless. How can I fix all my broken pieces and struggles? How will I find community in this new podunk town? How will I be better if I can't even figure out everything that's wrong? Where are You? And out of the chaos He quietly said, "I will provide."

So that's what I have right now. A broken heart and the promise of the God Who Will Provide.

Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,
and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, 
but rather be healed.
Hebrews 12: 12 - 13

Dear readers, you've seen me through Europe, pets, graduation, awkward moments, and many a splendid thing. But now it's time for a fresh adventure - learning to live a simple, peaceful life with my God. [...And my Grandma, a godly woman who says to me daily, Miss Britt, talk to Jesus.]

Here's to setting my paths straight and healing the broken bones.

I hope you'll keep reading.


PS - I've sat down to write this post at least four times. It's taken a long time because a) this is hard, b) my life is genuinely chaotic at this moment. But already I've received encouragement from friends, and some of the ideas in this post are evolving. I will keep this post the way it is, however, because this is a journey. There will be good moments, bad moments, but I will try to be diligent about chronicling the Lord's faithfulness and salvation all the way through. And one day I will look back on the beginning of this journey and think, look how far the Lord has brought me.

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