So. I've been less than awesome lately. In fact, I might say my life was downright pathetic. I've been spiritually dry, mostly because there are things I don't want to let go. The thing about Jesus - you're either in or you're out. You can't say, "Hold on...there's this thing, Jesus." No - we have to deny ourselves DAILY.
Every single day.
Some Christians find such joy in that. For some, they are so in love with Jesus Christ that they would do anything asked of them.
Me...I hope to be there soon. Yet I still struggle. I've recently been really angry with God. Why can't I have THIS ONE THING? Hmmm? WHY? I'm doing so great at everything else (ps - that is most definitely not true). All I ask, God, is that you grant me this one wish.
I thought that just maybe if I did everything else right, I would get what I wanted. But sometimes...the answer is still a resounding NO (plus, it's pretty presumptuous to think I'm doing "everything else right.").
I don't know why God has me where He does right now, and we have been more than a little distant as of late. I feel like the Holy Spirit has gotten quieter, which is heartbreaking. But the one thing I know for certain is that He has been saying NO, and while I've tried to rationalize holding on and wishing and wanting and all of that mess, He has been unwavering. You don't negotiate these things with God, I'm learning. So, last night, I relinquished this thing to God .
And while I'm sad and hurt, I take such solace in the fact that I'm back in my Savior's arms again. They'd been there all along, but it's pretty hard to run after God when you're holding on to earthly things.
My pops happened to mention this verse the other day (I, of course, rolled my eyes; who wants to hear a Bible verse when she's feeling foul and bitter?) - and while NO ONE wants to be Cain in the story of Cain and Abel - I find myself identifying wholly with him in these simple verses.
"Then the LORD said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crushing at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it."
-Genesis 4: 6-7
I have been SO angry at God. We've had multiple showdowns these past few weeks (He won...in case you were wondering). I've been frustrated, bitter, rebellious, and mostly, just in a desert. You know? Dry and unsatisfied. And lonely. Distancing yourself from God will leave you feeling very very lonely. Ostracized from other Christians, friends, family, and God - the One who longs for the most intimate relationship.
And that's just it - I haven't done "well." I know it. I knew it all along. I tried to rationalize feeding my own selfish wants and desires instead of going to the Lord. I tried so hard. Seriously, E for Effort, bRob (but really, F for Fail).
That passage made me realize that God knew exactly what I was doing all along. Ignoring Him. Saying no. That's not doing well. That's failing.
I knew it too. But I pretended I didn't.
Let me tell you - I am not happy right now. I am sad. But you know what? I'm NOT lonely. God took me right back. He has been sitting right beside me with a raised brow, patiently loving me and waiting for me to return. I may not feel hopeful, but I have faith that God has a plan for me, one that does not entail my being miserable for forever. I may struggle with these unfulfilled wants, but I am unbelievably relieved that God and I are friends again.
God always wins.