God Won't Hear You Unless You Pray Like This

Happy Holidays, InterWebs.

Today I am thankful for my Grandma. She would kill me if she knew I put this photo up. On the bright side - I didn't actually steal this picture. :)

Today's Post:

My dad once told me that when I answer the phone I speak with a British accent. I don't think that's entirely true, but I have listened to myself on an answering machine, and I might sound a little wacky. However, I've begun to notice that when I talk to God, my entire vernacular and syntax changes. I've come to the conclusion that prayer requires certain language. Much more sophisticated. I mean, we have to dress up for church, it makes sense that we would have to step up our A-game when it comes to how we speak to God, ja?

Here are a few tips to get through to God. I guarantee God will hear you if you use them.

1. Transitional Phrases
I've noticed that when I pray, my transitional words get much fancier. Last week, as I was rattling off a long list of requests, instead of merely listing them numerically, I squeezed in a formally-appropriate "moreover". I mean - you *could* say something along the lines of, "Also, or next, or secondly"...if you were ordering a biggie fry at Hardees. "Additionally, furthermore, in conjunction with..." <<<< these are also hot transitional phrases.

2. Inverted Syntax
Or as I like to call it, Yoda-speak. You DO want your prayers to be heard, don't you? Show your commitment and earnestness by twisting up your words. Mix it up a little bit...put your verb last! Put it first! DON'T USE VERBS. Don't use a subject. It may sound a little funny to the prayer n00bs, but I'm sure, given practice (MORE PRAYER), you'll understand that conversation with God transcends regular syntax and sentence structure.

As with A.P. English papers, contractions are a no-no in prayers. You aren't at Chucky-Cheese; don't act like you're seven. Mrs. Rudkin would dock you a point, and maybe God docks one prayer request allotment per contraction. Better be safe than sorry; avoid shortcuts. For example, here is the beginning of a prayer recently journaled in my Jesus Journal, "LORD, Let me not blahblahblah." See? Formal. Aristocratic. Prayer-worthy.

4. Replace all your "vanilla" words with fancier ... words.
Duh. Find the flowery poetic lingo. Have you ever even read Song of Solomon (Parental Guidance suggested)? Step 1: Pull out your thesaurus! No matter how great you think your adjective is, I'm sure there's a better one. Typically, it's the one with 3 more syllables. Step 2: Simile it up. Seriously. Song of Songs. Perhaps I don't understand what it means to be likened to a mare...but if Solomon says it, it sounds chill to me.

5. Rhyme.
Check it. Shakespeare did it. So can you. You may just want to work a little harder on your prayer preparations.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thess 5: 16-18



Love Bird Public Announcement

Pre-Script: Sorry Jaclyn. I'll write your recommendation later. This post was ENTIRELY too pressing.

Dear InterWebs -
It's been so long, but before I burden you with my list of grievances, here is what I am thankful for today:

Mercy Verity Candles. I met the owner, Lisa, at a farmer's market, and I've spent half of my pay check buying her amazing candles with phenomenal scents. And by the way - they're especially good for when you microwave something that's not supposed to be microwaved and then catch your apt on fire [nearly] and want to get the nasty smell out.

Anyways - the point of today's post:

I'm single. Mostly by choice. Not because I'm incapable of meeting members of the opposite sex. As a single person, and I'm sure all other single people will attest to this, there are certain things we're sick of hearing from couples.

Things Happy Couples Should Quit Saying to Singles:

1. "I'm so jealous of all your free time!" <-- Usually accompanied by a cute eye roll and hair flip. [i think this is the one i stole from jon acuff...]

Obviously. My free time, spent watching dvr'd episodes of 30 Rock and finding the best edition of the German Bible on Amazon.com, is HIGHLY preferable to a suhweet date night at the Melting Pot and watching the latest Katherine Heigl
flick. Your Outlook calender must be SO full of treacherous appointments such as, I don't know, going to the fair with some hunk you're dating. Man, do I love my free time.

2. "Cooking for one is hard."

Is it? If you're willing to settle for a family-sized bag of potato chips for dinner, cooking for one really isn't too hard. I make this a regular habit. Never mind that anything else you buy comes with a batrillion servings. Hot dogs, twinkies, instant mashed potatoes...even PopTarts come in packs of two! [Don't judge my culinary habits. I'm sure I'll care more when someone else cares.]

3a. "So what are you
r evening plans?"

Did you just raise your eyebrow at me? Did YOU just RAISE your eyebrow at ME? I don't know what I'm doing this weekend, but it probably won't be as cool as your sweet sweet movie night. I hope watching the Notebook for the bazillionth time and eating cookies you two made together is simply swell. I will be enjoying my Discovery Channel documentary on anacondas with stale Triscuits, and it will be sweller.
[picture cred: stolen]

3b. "Oh, well, um, you could always come along with us." [Number 3a's cousin]

Thanks for the invite. I could maintain my dignity and go learn how to knit sweaters for my cats, OR I could play third wheel to your cocoon of love. Shuooot girl, who does you think i iz?

4. "Paul was single."

Thank-you for reaffirming my worst fears. God has called me to be single for the rest of my life. Couldn't I be more of an Eve? I wouldn't mind a hot naked man. (Adam had to be hot right?)

5. If I invite you out of posterity to a group function: "Um, I'm not sure, it depends on how I'm feeling tonight."

Honesty is the best policy. I know what you're really saying here: "Lame sauce McGuffigan, I'm gonna run your silly single plans by my significant other, and chances are we'll be too busy cuddling and speaking baby talk to one another to make it." < -- That's what couples spend all their time doing, right? I wouldn't know, I'm single.


love, bRob.

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