n00bs: How to Spot a Freshman

InterWebs, long ago, way back when, here, actually, I promised I would write a post on spotting freshmen from miles away. And now is the time, Webs. I'm seizing the day and carpe diem-ing it up and writing this post about those little ole n00bs [<-- that's right, I keep it real with the nerd lingo] that seem to infiltrate every college campus year after year after year. Seriously, we've called pest control, but the kidz just keep coming back...and back...hah.
    Anyways - freshmen are so full of promise and hope. They all dream so so big, probably because they haven't been in college long enough to get that swift reality kick, Chuck Norris style, to the head. How CAN you spot a freshman from miles away? Oh, believe me, it isn't very hard. But after reading these four key steps, you'll be a freshman spotting expert. Truthfully, I don't know to what end you would want to make a tally of all the freshmen you see....but you should read anyways. For me? Thanks, InterWebs.

And thus we begin:

How to Spot A Freshman from Miles Away

1. They Live a Life of Extremes

Have you ever noticed that there is no middle ground with freshies? It's absolutely all or nothing with the youngins. They either come to class in their pajamas, slippers, and some cray cray hair, or they come in dressed to the nines [what a legit saying], complete with heels or shiny loafers, and occasionally a fedora, or a briefcase. Freshmen either run to class to get there on time and sit on the front row or fall asleep/never come to class [I was the former. Obvs.].They either spend every night in the library, dividing their time between sleeping in the bean bags, skyping with their friends in the commons, ordering triple-shot Bookstack Mochas, and pretending to do their Webassigns, or, it is not uncommon to hear freshmen claim they have to have 12 hours of sleep to function. So instead they spend their time playing video games, taking mental health days, and sleeping an unreal number of hours.I think the steady-state does not occur until halfway into junior year, honestly.

2. MEAL PLANS

Freshmen, I envy you SO much. I have no desire to cook, nor have I ever had a desire to cook (you can read further about my domestic shortcomings in #2 of this post.) But, since I don't have a MEAL PLAN, it's either do or die. And mostly, that means starving myself of essential nutrients and living on a bagel and a can of tuna per day. Are you guys even aware of how much food lies at the tips of your fingers? Do you KNOW how sweet it is to just walk up and grab whatever food you want from the dining hall? They have CAPTAIN CRUNCH in there! Were you aware of this?? And you can get unlimited amounts of soft serve yogurt, and you can even put peanut butter in it [try it...it's delicious]. The worst is when I have to watch you guys at the on-campus coffee shop. I dig deep into my pockets and weed through all the lint for dimes simply so I can I can afford my coffee. And then I watch a freshman come up and order approximately 10 orange juices, one cookie, a whole wheat bran muffin [yep, that'll spare you, like, 10 calories], and "uh, what else can I fit on my meal plan?" I used to work at that coffee shop, and every day these n00bs with excessive amounts of meal plans would just buy a bajillion cookies to use 'em up. Mostly, I'm just jealous because I want excessive amounts of cookies too.

3. They Have a Facebook Album Succinctly Titled 'College'

Because they will only ever have one album's worth of pictures in their entire university career. Obviously.

4. [My favorite] Freshmen Know Exactly When They'll Graduate and What They'll Be Doing

No, really. I think every single freshman I've ever met ever in the history of ever knows precisely what he/she wants to do post-graduation. No one else seems to know, but somehow, as a young ambitious freshman, he/she's got the key. I've actually had a freshman come up to me and tell me why his major was better than mine, then he proceeded to tell me that there wasn't a whole lot one could do with my major [really? engineering?]. Bless his little heart, I kind of wanted to kick him in the shin. But lest I judge - I used to be that kid. I was originally going to graduate in 3 years (hah. hah. HAH) and go change the world doing something. I forget what. But seriously - go ask any freshman what he wants to do when he graduates - and with a twinkle in his eye, he'll give you his surefire 5 step plan to success. Adorable. I'm in my [first] senior year, and I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going. How funny would it be to get a freshman to mentor me to the path of success? They're all so confident that they have it.

I think that's the thing about freshmen. They crazy confident. They're away from home - no more rules, no more mamasitas telling them to brush their teeth, no more chores, lots of independence, unlimited computer access, soft serve yogurt, and pajama Fridays [can we make that a "thing"?]. Oh little freshman, the world is YOUR oyster. Like Dr. Suess said, go climb that big mountain or whatever. 

  Pictures of little freshman bRob.  So awkward.