Love Bird Public Announcement

Pre-Script: Sorry Jaclyn. I'll write your recommendation later. This post was ENTIRELY too pressing.

Dear InterWebs -
It's been so long, but before I burden you with my list of grievances, here is what I am thankful for today:

Mercy Verity Candles. I met the owner, Lisa, at a farmer's market, and I've spent half of my pay check buying her amazing candles with phenomenal scents. And by the way - they're especially good for when you microwave something that's not supposed to be microwaved and then catch your apt on fire [nearly] and want to get the nasty smell out.

Anyways - the point of today's post:

I'm single. Mostly by choice. Not because I'm incapable of meeting members of the opposite sex. As a single person, and I'm sure all other single people will attest to this, there are certain things we're sick of hearing from couples.

Things Happy Couples Should Quit Saying to Singles:

1. "I'm so jealous of all your free time!" <-- Usually accompanied by a cute eye roll and hair flip. [i think this is the one i stole from jon acuff...]

Obviously. My free time, spent watching dvr'd episodes of 30 Rock and finding the best edition of the German Bible on Amazon.com, is HIGHLY preferable to a suhweet date night at the Melting Pot and watching the latest Katherine Heigl flick. Your Outlook calender must be SO full of treacherous appointments such as, I don't know, going to the fair with some hunk you're dating. Man, do I love my free time.

2. "Cooking for one is hard."

Is it? If you're willing to settle for a family-sized bag of potato chips for dinner, cooking for one really isn't too hard. I make this a regular habit. Never mind that anything else you buy comes with a batrillion servings. Hot dogs, twinkies, instant mashed potatoes...even PopTarts come in packs of two! [Don't judge my culinary habits. I'm sure I'll care more when someone else cares.]

3a. "So what are your evening plans?"

Did you just raise your eyebrow at me? Did YOU just RAISE your eyebrow at ME? I don't know what I'm doing this weekend, but it probably won't be as cool as your sweet sweet movie night. I hope watching the Notebook for the bazillionth time and eating cookies you two made together is simply swell. I will be enjoying my Discovery Channel documentary on anacondas with stale Triscuits, and it will be sweller.
[picture cred: stolen]


3b. "Oh, well, um, you could always come along with us." [Number 3a's cousin]

Thanks for the invite. I could maintain my dignity and go learn how to knit sweaters for my cats, OR I could play third wheel to your cocoon of love. Shuooot girl, who does you think i iz?

4. "Paul was single."

Thank-you for reaffirming my worst fears. God has called me to be single for the rest of my life. Couldn't I be more of an Eve? I wouldn't mind a hot naked man. (Adam had to be hot right?)

5. If I invite you out of posterity to a group function: "Um, I'm not sure, it depends on how I'm feeling tonight."

Honesty is the best policy. I know what you're really saying here: "Lame sauce McGuffigan, I'm gonna run your silly single plans by my significant other, and chances are we'll be too busy cuddling and speaking baby talk to one another to make it." < -- That's what couples spend all their time doing, right? I wouldn't know, I'm single.


;)

love, bRob.