InterWebs - I've got to go for a run shortly, but I just ate lunch and am waiting [procrastinating] for a little bit. I ate a really good Philly cheese steak sub, and the conversation was great, but I do stink, permanently perhaps, of greasy onion rings and all things fried. Hah.
Recently, I've been struggling. I'm back at school, and that means seeing old people and revisiting old situations, and sometimes it's hard. Really hard. And it hurts a lot. And I feel like the Lord's putting me in place where I really don't have someone on whom I can lean...except for Him. And it's painful. I want someone to cuddle with on a Friday night, and friends to brunch with on Saturday morning. I want someone to call at night who cares about my day. Just...someone to be there. You know? I'm dealing with temptations, missing old friends and various people, dealing with loneliness and, at times, rejection.
I was talking to my friend at lunch today, and I confided in her that, while I am glad the Lord is refining me, I feel like I've been here before. I've been crushed. I've been broken and hurting. It's all too familiar. And [Star Trek fans, if you've read this far, I'm truly proud of you!] this is a fairly common movie plot - a character is in some situation, but somehow, at some later point in time, for some reason, the character is in the exact same situation again.
Forgive me, but the ONLY movie I could think of was The Wrath of Khan. I'm probably going to tick off a couple of Trekkies with my horrible explanation, but I think the basic idea is that the crew is pretty much out of luck and everyone's about to die and the ship's failing and blah blah blah pandemonium blah blah blah. The enemy [I think his name is Khan? hah] is super close to being victorious...WHEN...all of a sudden, Kirk hits a re-do button [it's some sort of time re-maker that re-somethings something - ok, I have no idea. I think it was called Genesis, but I won't offend anyone further by trying to explain it], and time rolls back to 10 (?) seconds earlier. And Kirk has this awesome chance to redeem himself and save his crew and redo everything, but correctly this time.
Perhaps a more fitting example would have been Disney's The Kid: the fight scene when that famous bald actor goes back into time to tell his childhood self how to fight or something. Whatever - I zone out at inspirational movies.Point is -- it's that moment where you get somewhere, and then you begin to realize you've seen this all before. And you get this sinking pit in your stomach...you've seen it all before and you never wanted to be back here.
When I told my friend about how I don't want to be back "here", and it didn't go well last time, she reminded me of a simple truth: I'm different now. I've grown, spiritually. My relationship with the Lord has grown, however microscopically, just a bit stronger. And here's where the Star Trek analogy breaks down - I don't like to simply label the "last time" as a bad run. I don't want to believe I got it so wrong last time that God's thinkin', "Ok, clearly she doesn't get it. Re-do."
Maybe this is a re-do. Maybe God is re-breaking me so I rely on Him well this time. But if I begin to think that the last trial was a waste and I messed it up, I'll forget the intentionality of each moment. One of the smartest and truest things I've ever heard: Everything that comes to us, good or bad, has passed through the hands of our Father. Perhaps I did mess up my last trial. This could be the Lord allowing me to redeem myself - which is SO merciful. Or maybe this trial is for refining me in completely new ways. I. Don't. Know. And I guess, in the end, the why isn't what's important.
Though I'm feeling extraordinary deja vu, I believe God is orchestrating my life with great intentionality. He has me in this trial for reasons beyond my understanding. The Lord has brought me to a similar place, but as a slightly different person. It is in His timing and His will I trust. If I truly believe Jeremiah 29:11, that He has plans to prosper me, then I know, whatever it is I'm going through, it's what I need. This trial is what I need.
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."
However melodramatic this post may seem, we are meant to rejoice in our trials - not mope. My biggest prayer right now is that the Lord use this time to help me find true contentment in Him. Not in friends, boys, grades, sweet hot red cars, or high blogging stats Or whatever. Rather, contentment in Him, and Him alone. BAH! It feels too big, too hard. Finding sole contentment in God? But He who began His good work in me will continue it (Phil 1:6). Transformation of the soul is a divine process.
Today I am thankful for the promise of a future and hope found in God's word.
love,
bRob
5/22/11
Post Script - After consulting with a Star Trek expert [my dad]...this post is highly inaccurate. Whatevs.
That verse in Proverbs is one of my favorite verses ever!! If only I would remember it more often....thanks for this post brittany!
ReplyDeleteOK: there was no redo machine in Wrath of Khan. In Wrath, Khan was like Captain Ahab in that he wanted to avenge Kirk. Khan had gotten off his dreary little planet and had a Startship at his disposal. He could have taken his spoils and hit the intergalactic road in search of adventure. Instead, Khan was so pissed, that he followed Kirk's ship into a nebulae cloud such that Kirk was able to low him out of the sky. The cheesy lesson here was that revenge leads to one's own destruction.
ReplyDeleteNow as for the 10 second redo, that was the Omega 13 from Galaxy Quest. BTW, Galaxy Question was a kind of spoof of the old Star Trek TV show. However, by activating the O13, captain Nesbit (Tim Allen) was able to get a cosmic redo and thereby save his crew. The moral of this story was that Nesbit learned to be a true leader and work as part of a team.