God Won't Hear You Unless You Pray Like This

Happy Holidays, InterWebs.

Today I am thankful for my Grandma. She would kill me if she knew I put this photo up. On the bright side - I didn't actually steal this picture. :)

Today's Post:

My dad once told me that when I answer the phone I speak with a British accent. I don't think that's entirely true, but I have listened to myself on an answering machine, and I might sound a little wacky. However, I've begun to notice that when I talk to God, my entire vernacular and syntax changes. I've come to the conclusion that prayer requires certain language. Much more sophisticated. I mean, we have to dress up for church, it makes sense that we would have to step up our A-game when it comes to how we speak to God, ja?

Here are a few tips to get through to God. I guarantee God will hear you if you use them.

1. Transitional Phrases
I've noticed that when I pray, my transitional words get much fancier. Last week, as I was rattling off a long list of requests, instead of merely listing them numerically, I squeezed in a formally-appropriate "moreover". I mean - you *could* say something along the lines of, "Also, or next, or secondly"...if you were ordering a biggie fry at Hardees. "Additionally, furthermore, in conjunction with..." <<<< these are also hot transitional phrases.

2. Inverted Syntax
Or as I like to call it, Yoda-speak. You DO want your prayers to be heard, don't you? Show your commitment and earnestness by twisting up your words. Mix it up a little bit...put your verb last! Put it first! DON'T USE VERBS. Don't use a subject. It may sound a little funny to the prayer n00bs, but I'm sure, given practice (MORE PRAYER), you'll understand that conversation with God transcends regular syntax and sentence structure.

3. YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO USE CONTRACTIONS
As with A.P. English papers, contractions are a no-no in prayers. You aren't at Chucky-Cheese; don't act like you're seven. Mrs. Rudkin would dock you a point, and maybe God docks one prayer request allotment per contraction. Better be safe than sorry; avoid shortcuts. For example, here is the beginning of a prayer recently journaled in my Jesus Journal, "LORD, Let me not blahblahblah." See? Formal. Aristocratic. Prayer-worthy.

4. Replace all your "vanilla" words with fancier ... words.
Duh. Find the flowery poetic lingo. Have you ever even read Song of Solomon (Parental Guidance suggested)? Step 1: Pull out your thesaurus! No matter how great you think your adjective is, I'm sure there's a better one. Typically, it's the one with 3 more syllables. Step 2: Simile it up. Seriously. Song of Songs. Perhaps I don't understand what it means to be likened to a mare...but if Solomon says it, it sounds chill to me.

5. Rhyme.
Check it. Shakespeare did it. So can you. You may just want to work a little harder on your prayer preparations.


Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thess 5: 16-18


Love,
bRob