Awkward Truths

My bangs oft resemble a bowl cut. OFT.

While driving home from the airport with my windows down, I was sprayed by a skunk. While driving. In a car. As politely as she could, my Grandma demanded I go take a shower.

I walk around with my skirt tucked up in my pantyhose, like...a lot. It should be noted that my coworkers are typically male and awkward and blush when i so much as put on mascara in the car. i expect they'll let me walk around with my skirt all up all day, so long as they don't have to make eye contact.

Finding earwax in your earbuds. You know.

In a heroic effort to stand up during a particularly rigorous 2 minutes of spin class, my knees buckled and i fell down, clinging to the handlebars of my stationary bike.

Unfortunately yoga didn't go much better - where running = yoga: 

via running is impossible

just a lot of laying around and trying to ignore the stupid teacher who won't stop teaching and wants even the most hopeless of cases to succeed when all Hopeless Case wants to do is nap and good lord if the 74 year old man next to me can do a half-crescent moon then what am i doing with my life

I am mad obsessed with the Cosby Show. It's kind of all-consuming right now. I find myself constantly wanting to tweet things like, "Isn't Sandra like the most annoying person on earth??" but i know everyone would be too busy live tweeting GoT to care and also half of you don't even appreciate my twitter gold like i think you should.

Side note: I named my fish Cosby. Because he's so funny and definitely a people fish.

Second side note: It is probably an awkward truth that i am also mad obsessed with my twitter account and am on the verge of constantly being offended that you guys never retweet me or anything but hey who's counting.

She says it best:

My coworker came up whisperasked me if I heard our other coworker passing gas. Um, wasn't listening, weirdo.

This gross old lady crush I've been nursing on Hunter Hayes: 

Also of course I'm old enough to have an old lady crush. OF COURSE.

stay true, stay awkward, DONT LET ANYONE DULL YOUR SPARKLE,

bRob

Pondering Heaven

Sometimes I ponder (nachdenke) about Heaven. And, by extension, I acknowledge the fact that there is a Hell, but I spend less time pondering on that, because by the grace of the Good Lord I am not going there.

A [Christianly] friend once told me that she read a book about how a man went to Heaven and was stounded by what he saw: everyone was in a youthful body ( 1 Cor 15:52-54), and each man did whatever he did on earth, but was a billion times better at it. And I believe it.

I naturally wonder what I would do in heaven. I used to fear that there would be a lot of churchly singing and harp playing and maybe we'd eat some goldfish, like at VBS, which as you might imagine sounds really boring. I bought that Randy Alcorn book about heaven four years ago...and maybe after four more years I'll actually get around to reading it.

But, anymore, I don't think Heaven will be all that boring. I bet it's beautiful, and I bet I could travel all round Heaven and meet all sorts of people with different stories but still with one Truth.

I love hiking and canoeing on a lake and rafting down rivers and being in the desert and seeing a cactus and going to Alaska and standing by a glacier and swimming in the ocean and not getting stung by jellyfish. And I think I love these things because they are so organic and simple, and it makes me think of God. And about the raw vision He had for our brand new earth. What a Visionary, He is.

I hope that Heaven is like that. With raw, organic creation, unblemished and unbroken. And I will climb mountains and swim in streams and jog in fields, worshiping with my God and brothers and sisters, free from strife and angst and fear of not getting that promotion or gaining 43 more pounds.

I ponder Heaven a little more intensely when I feel like I'm going to die, truth be told. This past Thursday I had a really rocky flight. The whole plane was silent as we rolled up and down the sky, and being both morbid and a pessimist, I broached the idea of death...in the way only a twenty-something-year-old in good health who knows deep down that This plane will probably not actually crash could.

I wondered What if I actually die right now. And in my naive young way, I replied, I don't actually have anything to lose. Death has lost its sting.

Meeting God is going to be beautiful. Either way it's a win, right? I live a little longer or I go hike mountains and forge rivers with Jesus. Maybe climb a tree. WHO KNOWS.

I hoped my family wouldn't be sad for too long. I hoped they would think about how happy I was in Heaven, not listening to harp music, and I hoped they realize they would be joining me in their own time. We'd meet inside the pearly gates and I'd give them the grand tour and show them all the amazing things, only I'd probably have eaten all the good food already because I am a Baptist after all.

And I imagined walking through those gates and seeing my Grandpa for the first time in years, only healthy, before the cancer, and younger and more handsome than I'd ever remembered. And he'd smile his cocky grin and say, "Hey, Britt." And I'd probably rattle on for a while and tell him how I'd sometimes thought of him, like at graduation or during exams, because I knew he'd be thrilled I became an engineer. It brings tears to my eyes to think I'll see my Grandpa again, and we will be at peace together.

As the plane continued to toss about, I thought about one member of my family. The one with a hardened heart, who fights and rejects God and faith and wants nothing to do with our soft Christianity. And it pressed heavily on my heart to know that, if I or he died today, not only would I not see him in Heaven, but he'd be somewhere terrible, in unending agony. I didn't know what to do other than pray. I hope the Lord saves this burdened soul of his. I pray the Lord shows me how to help.

I'm guess you figured out that my plane did not, in fact, crash. I loosened my grip on the seat and read and did some more pondering. While it would be naive to pretend that plane ride was a true brush with death and that I was so so faithful and godly that I barely even got scared, I have no doubt that when death does come, I will only have greater things waiting.

Death has no sting.

-bRob

Boot Scootin'

Note: This song has an expletive in it. 

a few summers back, i lived a couple of blocks behind campus in the jankiest basement of a duplex on Van Dyke. i used to gun my little 5-speed light blue sentra up the death-trap driveway, and then i'd whip around corners and back roads, windows down, and blare this song out my speakers, which were probably also janky.

this monday morning Air Traffic Controller came up on my spotify, and just in the nick of time.

Before 8:00 am ...

i discovered my favorite white blouse's armpit stains

i had big beef (30 minutes worth) with Microsoft's online support

...and then ran late

my pants were being awkward and poochy. typical.

i woke up

So imagine how happy my little heart was when my old jam popped up.

muy happy. ganz happy. i was boot scootin' all over the bathroom while brushing my teeth and very decidedly not putting on makeup.

I hope you scoot a little too.

happy wednesday.

-bRob

Fact over Feeling//Joy over Sadness

I don't know if I've told you this or not, Webs, but I struggle with depression. Now, depression comes in all colors and shapes and sizes, and I won't say mine is better or worse or harder or easier - what matters is that it is my burden. We all have our burdens, don't we?

Yesterday I felt the familiar dull, ache-y haze settling around me. Discouragement, apathy, and slow, throbbing heartache. I don't know what sadness or discouragement looks like for you, but it makes me just want to stop. Stop everything. Just lay in bed and stare at the wall in hopelessness. There are so many things that seem wrong right now.

I've been hobbling around on a cane for the past few days because my foot and ankle ache so badly, and I can't figure out why. I finally have the space and time to jog, only i can't. I don't know how I'll ever get back in shape and I CANT FIT INTO A SINGLE DAMN THING I OWN I WEAR THE SAME BURGUNDY PANTS ABOUT 12 TIMES A WEEK AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME A PAIR OF PANTS THAT FITS. I have work enough to last 3 lifetimes, I think, and it's all super important and high priority though for the life of me i don't understand why this powerpoint needs another illegible infographic. i sincerely have no idea how i'll get it all done. and then of course there's every hurt and every awful thought swarming around inside me. I see what the devil's doing, and i see where he's trying to get my brain to go, and sometimes i feel too powerless to fight it.

But I woke up to another luscious green day out here in podunk nowhere, and today I feel called to choose. Choose to dwell in my sorrows or acknowledge the joy I've been given*. I can't say I feel any joy right now, but the fact is this: I have every reason to be joyous.

I have received encouragement from so many unexpected places (every one of your messages, comments, texts, conversations means the world - thank-you). I have The Cosby Show on dvd (this just seems like a thing to be grateful for because it is HILARIOUS). I live in the most gorgeous areas with cows so i can have more cow conversations on walks with my janky cane. My Grandma takes great care of me and loves me well.

Most importantly, I am reminded that I have been wrenched from sin and darkness and my worst self. God had me in His eye throughout my entire rebellion and never stopped wanting more for me. His vision for me was never an angry, broken, selfish half life that falls so so short. My Adopted Father has a grand beautiful plan for me (and you, by the way) and my (..and your) life in His Kingdom, though it may take some hurting and healing and refining to get there.

So today I will choose to focus on the facts - my joy - rather than succumb to feelings - my sadness.

-bRob

* I mean it when I say I know that depression comes in all forms. And I know that managing sorrow is not often as simple as choosing not to dwell in it, and sadness and joy are not mutually exclusive. This is just my sadness, my today.

PS. We should probably just change the name of this blog to Whatever JJ Heller Song bRob is Currently Crying About.

Brokenness made beautiful

The wars that You have won

And the storms You calmed in me

A Fresh Adventure

For those of you that haven't kept up with this little blog, I take the Full Disclosure above very seriously. I'm an over-sharer. If that makes you squeamish, you might just avoid this post. Or just read it realllll awkward-like. Your choice.

I just cried in an airport bathroom. Like, in the stall. I chased that down with a Happy Meal from McDiabetes, where I cried a little more. in a crowded airport. And then at an empty gate. And now I'm blogging at another gate. If you didn't know me any better, you might think that was pretty embarrassing. But then again I'm the sort of person who drools all the way down her shirt in front of her boss [i don't even know] and walks around with her skirt tucked up in her pantyhose...like, a lot. So I guess in the grand scheme of things, sobbing my way through DFW is small fries.

//Then I caught a plane and this post was put on hold//

As I sit down to finish this post, my eyes are still stinging from fresh new tears, and I'm sitting in the middle of shoes, text books, and a cello that have yet to be packed. I'm moving into my Grandma's house today.

I've spent the better part of a year rebelling against the Lord. Ignoring His will and desires for me, and choosing my own. Forsaking joy for fleeting happiness. Hurting people who care about me. Meeting my very truest worst self.

And this past week in a sudden whirlwind that could've only been orchestrated by God, everything came to a sudden halt. In one abrupt moment, all the carefully laid plans and hopes and life I'd whittled away for myself broke into tiny, splintering shards.

I am scared. I am angry. I am hurting. I am broken.

I hate that I'm moving. I feel like I'm leaving this city that's been my home for the past few years in absolute shame. This is never how I wanted to leave.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm fleeing my temptations or running from my problems. I am broken-hearted about so many things. I'm angry at the friends that gave up on me in my rebellion - the ones that refuse to even talk to me anymore.  I wish I had the time to take one last walk around my beloved alma mater and breathe the campus air, eat one more London Broil from Mitch's, go jog around Lake Johnson, drive down Hillsborough street, worship one last time at the Summit. Leave on good terms. I am ashamed of how I've hurt people I care deeply about.

Coming out of my rebellion shows me how truly broken I am. My struggle with anger has become increasingly dangerous and self-destructive. I have little to no community. And I've spent so long stifling the Spirit's voice, I have no idea how to listen anymore.

I cried out to God last week, You PROMISED to remain faithful, even if I was faithless. How can I fix all my broken pieces and struggles? How will I find community in this new podunk town? How will I be better if I can't even figure out everything that's wrong? Where are You? And out of the chaos He quietly said, "I will provide."

So that's what I have right now. A broken heart and the promise of the God Who Will Provide.

Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,
and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, 

but rather be healed.

Hebrews 12: 12 - 13

Dear readers, you've seen me through Europe, pets, graduation, awkward moments, and many a splendid thing. But now it's time for a fresh adventure - learning to live a simple, peaceful life with my God. [...And my Grandma, a godly woman who says to me daily, Miss Britt, talk to Jesus.]

Here's to setting my paths straight and healing the broken bones.

I hope you'll keep reading.

-bRob

PS - I've sat down to write this post at least four times. It's taken a long time because a) this is hard, b) my life is genuinely chaotic at this moment. But already I've received encouragement from friends, and some of the ideas in this post are evolving. I will keep this post the way it is, however, because this is a journey. There will be good moments, bad moments, but I will try to be diligent about chronicling the Lord's faithfulness and salvation all the way through. And one day I will look back on the beginning of this journey and think, look how far the Lord has brought me.