being honest

 When I sat down today for my usual procrastination blog, this wasn't what I had planned on posting. It just kind of came out.

I had a really strange experience today. I had to present my term project for this graduate course I'm in, and I went in feeling marginally confident. And then I saw everyone else's work. It was ten times better, seven times more functional, and 22.3 times cooler. Ok, it wasn't actually cool. We had to grade each others' projects, and I about gave one group a really bad score just because I was hungry and they kept talking on and on and I'd lost interest 2 minutes into their presentation. Anyways - as I watched all these project demonstrations far more elegant than mine, I started schlunking way down in my seat. I'm not used to bottoming out.

And then I began to feel self-conscious...but truth be told, it wasn't just about my project. Out of a class of about 25, I am one of three girls. Out of a class of 25, I am one of three American students. Out of a class of about 25, I am the only American girl. 

Never before have I felt so self-conscious about being American and female. I'm used to being the oddball female in an engineering class. And generally I play it up and go all, "anything he can do I can do better because I'm high on flower power!" or something.

But I suddenly began to wonder if everyone would think I'm stupid because I'm American. Would anyone take me seriously? I was even wearing a skirt. Did they judge me for that? I am also the youngest student in the class. And the thing of it is, maybe I wouldn't have felt so self-conscious if I'd had a flashier project.

But ... why did I feel the need to validate my nationality and gender and age by having the sweetest project in the class? And what does it mean that I failed? And since when have stereotypes affected my self-image?


a little brutal bit of truth: I want to be the best. Especially because I'm a girl in a sea full of boys. Especially when I'm the one outsider in the class.  If that's the case, I feel like I have to fight that much harder. To prove something. To whom? To myself? To everyone else?

How broken is that? 

I think it must hurt God when I start to try and "prove" myself. I don't know much about kid-lings, but I guess, if  imagined having my own little daughter, it would hurt me a lot to know that she saw herself in that way: as if she had to prove herself. As if she needed to be better than what she is by performing well. And I think I would probably throw myself at her feet and beg her to stop because she never needs to do that and she is loved whether or not she ever does anything great or perfect or awful.

And knowing the little I know about God, I am pretty sure He wants me to know the same thing.

 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is His love for those who fear Him;
      as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has He removed our transgressions from us.  

As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.

 

-Psalm 103: 12 - 13

 



-bRob