bRob the Romantic

Hi Webs -

I don't want you to feel sorry for me or anything but i did write this on Valentine's evening from the inside of an airport hotel room that smelled vaguely of oldness. I trust you're grateful I spared you all my Valentine's Day whinging on Valentine's Day proper, because that's the kind of thoughtful person I sometimes accidentally am.

As the snowpocalypse reigned supreme over in NC, my red-eye flight was delayed and I finally groveled my way into a ticket on Saturday morning.

via imgur

Which, if you do the math, leaves me in my airport hotel over Valentine's day. Being single on Valentine's Day is obviously not the most fun way to spend a holiday devoted to romance, and sitting alone in a hotel room spilling an ungodly amount of Thai food  (the lady offered me three sets of utensils. I'd probably find that amusing if it weren't such a cliche) all over the bed kind of exacerbates the whole ordeal.



After a lot of that ^^^ and about 3 hours of this  on repeat and just general all around self-pitying, I decided the best thing I could do to cheer myself up is to give back; giving back is so rewarding. Or so I've read.

In that generous spirit I have compiled some free romantic advice loosely based on a date I may or may not have had with Office Pervert, formerly know as OC for those who have followed along religiously.

How to Romance the Ladies, Probably

by bRob

1)  Practice saying "You look good" in a way that doesn't make me think you might have ladies' body parts stashed in your basement.

2) If a restaurant serves wine in a plastic glass, I promise you don't need to swirl and sniff before delicately sipping. That wine most definitely came from Wal-Mart.

3) Maybe don't hype up and make reservations for a restaurant that serves wine in a plastic glass.

4) Don't take me somewhere where your friend works and is going to make lewd gestures and point every time I turn around.

5) Also, if a girl does not seem to appreciate you staring at her chest, and if she's told you to stop grabbing/stroking her upper thigh ten times, the next best thing to do is not to grab her butt and yell "goosed you!"

It's my fault, really. I should have punched him the ninth time he grabbed my thigh.

6) Collecting pinball tables in your living room is not impressive. It's embarrassing and seriously makes me question your financial sense. And your sense in general. HOW old are you?

yeah no, not interested in seeing pictures.

stop texting me.

7) You: "What kind of Christian are you?"
Your gorgeous date: "Uh I guess I was raised Southern Baptist?"
You: "You might find this interesting. I'm going to the Vatican this summer."

Don't say that.

8) Did you just bring up marriage within a week of meeting me?

9) Know your strengths. If you take a sophisticated lady to an improv show, and if you aren't actually on stage, you are not a comedian. I cannot emphasize that enough. Do not try to be louder than the comedians. Do not get jealous and pout when I laugh at the comedians. They are funny. You are not. Deal.

10)  Because hope springs eternal and because i am a romantic at heart, i leave you with what highschool bRob considered the height of romance. Tip number 10 - just do this.

Oh, and here's one for the ladies: Drive yourselves. So important to have an escape plan.

I hope you feel a little loved today.

-bRob

The 2014 Short List

If you follow my tweets and statuses religiously, which I expect you do with bated breath, you'll recall that I rang in the New Year in Vietnam (on Cat Ba island which is technically not in the gorgeous Halong Bay but kind of is).

Now that I'm back Stateside, I suppose it's time to formally kick off the new year on the blog. I should let you know, however, that I am relatively anti-resolutions. Not your resolutions, mind you; kudos to you for making plans and the like. I personally never have the wherewithal to stick to these sorts of things for more than five minutes. And there's this perverse part of me that bucks as soon as I feel like I have to do anything, so establishing resolutions is merely setting myself up for failure.

In fact, let's look at the picked-up and put-right-back-down five-minute activities from this past year:

1. Ukulele

At one point I knew three chords. Presently I couldn't even tell you the string names.

2. Cross-stitch

That was an adorable albeit bloody month.

3. Dragon Boating


I'm on the winning boat, at least.

4. Pie-ing

I'm going to try keeping up with this one. In fact, I need to recreate this Triple Berry Pie tomorrow for Grandma's birthday...

I want to be realistic and not over-commit in 2014, and I'm 3 times less likely to do something if I feel bound by obligation, so in lieu of a set of resolutions (ew), I have put together

My 2014 Bucket List

Doesn't that sound more fun?

1. Go to Jordan and visit Petra (maybe tour Iran as well).

Or tour Italy. Doesn't Cinque De Terre look so dreamy? 

2.  Start learning a new language...Chinese maybe? Or Korean? I feel like Mandarin would be more helpful as I grow my professional network (<<< dweeby)...but I think Korean might be easier on my linguistically-challenged brain. Do any of you-alls have resource recommendations?

3. Learn to speed read.

4. Actually sit down and watch these psychology lectures from Yale.

5. Learn how to properly contour and highlight my pasty, acne-studded face. I've tried looking up tutorials and the like but as soon as some girl pulls out 12 different makeup brushes and 17 different types of concealer and foundations, I freak out and go through this five-minute self-affirmation process about how beauty is what's on the inside or something.

6. Learn how to cook a few southeast asian dishes. I really do need to stop spending all my bitcoins on Thai food. 

JK. Don't own bitcoins. 

via

7. And on that note, try cooking some healthy dishes. Maybe one a month. Again, not trying to get carried away here on the self-improvement train...

8. Move out of North Carolina. Thinking Boston? Also thinking I need to buy a real coat.

9. Spend less money on books, not because I want to get fewer books but because I need to find better alternatives to spending too much percent of my paycheck on them. Fortunately I'm starting to use paperbackswap.com. Obviously I'm really excited about it, given that I've told everyone I know about this website approximately 10 times. I've already mailed out a few books and I've requested another.

UGH Is there anything better than getting books in the mail?? No of course there isn't, duh.

10. Maybe post pictures of Vietnam. Maybe.

I was going to add train for a half marathon to this list, but this morning I was unceremoniously chased down by a pitbull while soft-j-jogging, so bRob's gonna hold off on that....maybe "Get pepper spray" should be added to this list instead.

What are your goals/aspirations/bucket lists for 2014? And, if you're trying to learn something new, such as coding or a language or taking an online course, how do you manage that on top of your regularly-scheduled workload? I thought about trying to devote one hour each evening to learning one of the aforementioned topics, but I can already tell that's gonna be a bust...

Happy Belated New Year, kiddos.

- bRob

Awkward Truths of 2013

It's no secret management has been slacking on the upkeep of this blog. Life has not started being any less awkward than usual, so let's do a 2013 round up before I head to Vietnam. Which I'm sure will be a lot awkward in and of itself.

hi; not a recovering addict

1. I ended up falling asleep in the backseat of car on the way to the airport while the client was driving. Luckily I woke myself up with a loud snore.

2. A little while later, I had a dream with a pop-scare in it and woke up screaming...on a crowded plane.

Side note: My dreams have been startlingly vivid lately, in a completely evil and horrifying way. All incredibly dark nightmares or really melancholy memories. Never, like, a really realistic walk through Candyland. It's only been within the past six months to a year that my dreams have gotten really vivid and dark. Any advice? 

3. I got into some serious beef with a waitress at a fancy french restaurant because she claims that "You can't order the cheese plate as an appetizer because it's only for dessert." It didn't help I was super late to the dinner (wrong train stop + rolling a suitcase around San Fran + STUPID GOOGLE WALKING DIRECTIONS IN BETA) and had already annoyed the hostess with my giant suitcase and frazzled entrance. Regardless, no one puts Baby in a corner and no one tells bRob she can't order cheese whenever she durn well pleases. Obviously I had to order two desserts because even though I wanted the cheesecake I still needed that cheese platter. 70% on principle.

4. This profound purchase from my most first ever IKEA trip:

taking name suggestions...

For those of you still wondering, it's a stuffed rat. Never bought a stuffed animal in my life; in fact, i threw most stuffed animals i received under the bed because they took up too much space (i was a bratty little pragmatist). But maybe the wind was just right and the planets had aligned and also i was feeling super sentimental about McFly, and i could not leave the store without him.

5. Earlier this evening "The other day" I rationalized a two-hour nap because my arm was sore from the flu shot. Heaven help this girl if she ever actually gets the flu.

6. That time I fell in five-minute love with the guy I sat beside in first-class. He smelled nice, wore a smart corduroy blazer, told me about his yachting trip through Norwegian islands or something, smelled nice, was tall, dark and ambiguously ethnic, and walked me to my next gate. We'd obviously be married by now if I had actually gotten his name. hashtag missed connections. (HAHAHA We were in an airport. Connections. I'm killing myself over here....).

7. After I got incredibly fussy with the US Air ticket agent because she couldn't find my flight to Philadelphia, she patiently asked me, "Could you mean Pittsburgh?" Yeah, I meant Pittsburgh. Snotty bRob doesn't know the difference between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.

8. Early this fall I went on a date which we rounded out with a trip to the movie theater. Only neither of us actually knew what was playing, so we asked the ticket girl for recommendations for 'something funny'. She adorably suggested Don Jon. Neither of us was familiar with the movie, except I knew it starred JGL, whom i love dearly, and the ticket girl was just so darn adorable, so we bought the tickets.

Don Jon  was a bad choice.

My date and I had barely held hands up til that point, and I'll have it be known that watching sexy-time films [more like soft-core porn] together is not the relationship-builder you might think it is. The whole movie I sat as far away from my date as possible with my blushing head in my hands. You could have fit at least one other tiny person between us. You know how half the fun of movie dates is waiting for someone to grab your hand or look over adoringly mid-movie? Yeah, that never happened. As soon as the lights came on, I full on ran out of that movie theater without looking to see if my date followed. 

9. Awkward Truth number 9: My 2013 blogging record

10. This truth is more of a question, but everyone reads books in the bathroom, right? I believe in multi-tasking, but i'm starting to think maybe not everyone's as open-minded about efficiency. One semester I read A Streetcar Named Desire entirely while 'multi-tasking'. Follow-up question, if you borrow someone's book, is it implied that you'll be 'multi-tasking' with it, or should you ask explicitly?

Michelle if you're reading this, I don't mean your books. Honest.

I know. girl's a mess.

love,
bRob

FestaPIElooza

^^ that was obnoxious; you know it, i know it, move on.

I told a friend I've been on a real pie kick lately, to which he responded, "Baking or eating?" Fair enough...BOTH. It's so hard to find a good pie, don't you think? When is the last time you ate a pie that WAS NOT apple or pecan? Like never ago? Time to get more fun with our pies, folks. I want to eat flashy pie.

In that spirit, i potentially over-committed to making three flashy Thanksgiving pies. Notwithstanding my former kitchen experiences (weren't those so fun), i would say my attempts were marginally successful.

Front to back: Mango Chili, Honey Rose, Chocolate Chip Pies

In case you have any interest in reproducing any of these (I won't even be offended if yours look better), here're the deets:

1. Mango Chili Pie - Once upon a time, little bRob went to Mexico and had the best Mango Chili ice cream of her life. Really, the best ice cream of her life bar none. Since then I've been mad obsessed with the sweet-spicy flavor palate. The flavors in this pie were so spot on. The texture of the mango, however, was a bit of a turn-off. Textures don't typically freak me out, but mango is kind of stringy. Also, in case you're interested, Grandma was mad the pie was so spicy. By the way - I used the pie crust recipe from this recipe by simply doubling it. I am proud to say I have never used a pre-made pie crust. For better or worse.
Verdict: 4/5 pie stars

I might try this again with papaya. Then again I might just grow out of this hobby in a week or two.

2. Salted Rose & Honey Pie - I love a good honey chess pie, and I've been wanting to use my rosewater ever since I bought it. This pie was fairly simple, though after refrigeration the crust was very tough. I can't tell if this is a bRob problem or if that's how it's supposed to be or if it's the recipe, though I doubt it because look at her pictures with their moody lighting and raw wood tables and organic honey. I would trust her over me. I think the pie came out according to plan, tough crust aside, but the floral notes are a little jarring. I enjoy rose, but my dad describes the pie as tasting like "a bathroom deodorizer". If you, however, are more open to the florals, then this pie is for you.
Verdict: 3.5/5 pie stars

3. Chocolate Chip Pie - After a visit to Royer's Round Top Cafe outside of Austin the other day, I fell in love with their famous Chocolate Chip Pie. Obviously this pie was not as good as the actual pie, mostly because I overcooked it. There is nothing I hate more than a burnt crust. I'm getting angry just thinking about it. My beef with this recipe is that it tells you to cook until the knife comes out clean, which never happened....trust me, I overcooked the pie waiting for it to happen. I should have remembered that the pie is pretty tender and gooey on the inside, which would mean it would never come out clean. Regardless, this pie is a crowd-pleaser. Despite the toasty crust, my family ate the entire pie. Verdict: 3.5/5 pie stars (the pie will be a huge hit no matter what - i mean it's cookie pie - but i'm just so mad that it got burnt). Crust: http://flossysfuel.com/lemon-lavender-pie/

I also baked a Lemon Lavendar Pie a while back. It was alright. Note to self: Do not use a regular grater to zest your lemons unless you want giant chunky lemon zest. It was a little gross.

I also tried making bread from scratch for thanksgiving, thanks to Pinterest (duh). It actually went fairly well, though it was stickier than I anticipated and I never got loaf-y ball shape. Mine looked more like an amoeba or something. Whatever. it was delicious. Don't forget to take the lid off if you want that romantic brown crust. 

Also, check out that Le Creuset in her post. Now that I'm so good at bread-ing, I kind of need one. Wouldn't it be the perfect Christmas gift for that darling aspiring baketress in your life on whom you wish to spend $300? I actually found another dutch oven on sale, but the name isn't french so i'm not interested. hashtag bougie.

(this color is called "Ocean". love.)

So that's me and my initial foray into baking. It's actually been very good for me, and I think I've worked up enough courage to try, oh i don't know, real food. Not today, but soon.

In other news, I'm going to Vietnam over Christmas, I am still in love with Jason Schwartzman and this guy I found in an LL Bean catalog, I'm mad obsessed with Blacklist, and I'm looking for a new sitcom since I finished It's Always Sunny (recommendations?). I want my next cooking adventure to be  Egg Tarts. If you never hear about the tarts again, it's because it didn't work. I'm looking to move to either Denver or Boston, so if you have any advice, hit me up. Finally, I should wrap up this post and go pack for tomorrow's early early flight. Let me tell you how thrilled I'm not about Monday morning flights.

Anyways, I hope you're doing well.

I'll just be over here living my baking dream, which may end with me quitting my job, moving to New Zealand, and opening a bakery, and maybe marrying a sheep farmer from Australia.

tschau,
bRob

An Open Letter to No One // Edification

we heart it  via Darling, be daring.

Unless you've been living...oh, I don't know, nowhere, then you've probably heard about the Miley circa the VMA's debacle. That, in conjunction with her gratuitously sexual music videos and photos and erratic behavior, have driven her to the forefront of the public eye.

Recently, artist Sinead O'Connor facebooked an open letter to Miley Cyrus in which she describes how she is "extremely concerned for [Miley]" and blathers on about how Cyrus is being pimped, she is not caring for herself, she should use her talent instead of her sexuality, so on and so forth. Millions of people all over the interwebs have heralded O'Connor as some sort sort of martyr and mother figure for her deep-seated compassion and thoughtful advice to the younger artist.

Pardon my french, but I call bullsh*t.

A very public and open facebook post is NOT the appropriate forum to mentor or speak truth to a person in need. I find it troubling that so many people think that it is. (And based on Cyrus' defensive and questionable reaction, I would call into question its efficacy as well.)

I don't want to focus on the tabloid, star-studded, gossip-y controversy (i mean i totally do, but not right now), but rather the mentality driving a lot of the public response.

There are two very basic things we need to call out here:

•  If someone needs guidance or counsel that you are in a position to provide, a discrete and personal conversation will go a lot further in demonstrating your concern and compassion. Leave loud public announcements and open letters (that are really more about you and your highly publicized "compassion") behind. It seems a little Pharisaical, don't you think?

 If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 
Matthew 18:15

•  All guidance and advice should come from a place of love.

Let all that you do be done in love. 
1 Cor 16:14

...Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies. If anyone supposes that he knows anything, he has not yet known as he ought to know.
1 Cor 8:1-2

How do we ensure that we are speaking out of love?

I would humbly suggest that we look at our relationship with the person to whom we are speaking. Do you have any actual knowledge about this person's life or struggles? Have you truly lived life with them? Been there when they've hurt, rejoiced when they've rejoiced? Have you built a foundation for a conversation, not a lecture? Preaching at someone is not loving. Building a sincere and genuine two-way relationship, one in which you listen and talk, is.

I've been a person in need of guidance and instruction. I've been entrenched in sin and had people speak Truth to me. But the advice and support that's meant the most has been given by people who loved me well. The ones who held their hand out when I was in need, who rejoiced with me in my blessings, and intentionally invested in my life...it's never been the ones who arrogantly step in only to  counsel and then step out again.

To the self-righteous open letter writers, to the people who are professional hand-shakers and five-minute conversation-havers in between the pews, to the Sunday School classmates who collect prayer requests like Pokemon cards but never follow up:

Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean it's your place to say it.

Counsel and advice should always be rooted in Love, and Love requires investment. 

Ok, that's my last open letter.

-bRob