What you don't know...

Dear you (InterWebs)-

First off, today I am thankful for days that are gray and equally as thankful for the sweatpants that allow me to fully enjoy gray days, even if they do not accentuate and flatter my figure quite as much as it deserves.

(btdubs - i know this doesn't make it right, but i feel like if i admit to stealing most of the photos i put in my blog, i'm not quite as awful)

Anyways - there's something that is far greater than rainy days and sweatpants I wanted to share today.

And that is the fact that God knows your innermost thoughts and desires, even when you don't. I decided to blog about this while jogging ( with a soft j) today.

{Explanatory Digression}
I like to pray while I run. This is for many reasons:
a) Running is boring. I have to multitask so I don't die of sheer boredom and then go eat something instead of running that last mile
b) I'm a horrible pray-er (someone who prays...?). I figure that while running my mind is finally searching for something to do, so why not converse why God?
c) I always forget to charge my iPod.
{End Digression}

So today, while running, I tried to explain to God that I'm trying to give my heart to Him, and I know I have desires getting in the way, and would He kindly help me with that? And then I went off track (not literally, mentally) and wondered if I was really giving my heart to God. How do I know if I'm truly being honest with God when I say, "Lord, YOU are more important than anything else"?

You see, I'm the master of self-deceit. I can sell myself anything. I can convince myself that what I'm doing is morally or ethically right, or I can just rationalize my bad behaviour like a pro. And knowing the extent of my own self-deception, I don't trust myself anymore. Whenever I try to make an important decision, I end up wildly confused and am constantly second-guessing myself. It's a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and condemnations. What am I doing? Is this right? But now it feels wrong. Should I be doing this instead? But I'm still not certain if this is the right thing to do. By the end, I've gotten myself so twisted and turned around that I'm on the brink of tears, lost and hopeless.

And then I began to think about this verse.
^{Matthew 6:8} ...for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.

God knows. When my emotions and fickle thoughts and prayers leave me muddled, confused, heart-broken and weary, God knows what's going on. I may not be able to sort through my own mess and deception, but God can see down to my core -the evil and the good, He sees the things I'm don't know I'm hiding, He knows the things I'm trying desperately to give up to Him.

And that makes me want to cry with relief. My FATHER knows what I'm really about, deep down. I don't need to try and convince Him of anything. I may not trust myself, but I can certainly trust that the Lord sees through the lies I can't.

If your heart has ever wrestled with thoughts like How saved am I? Do I believe ENOUGH? Am I so muddled and lost that I don't know how muddled and lost I truly am?, find peace in this verse.

1 John 3: 19-20

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.

1 John 3 is one of those life verses you should write on an index card and stick on your bathroom mirror.

POST SCRIPT:
My bestie Marcia showed me this music video. I love it more and more with each passing day. (If you are not a fan of interpretive dance, I PROMISE you it gets better after the first minute or two...I am not an interpretive dance fan either.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA