Fact over Feeling//Joy over Sadness

I don't know if I've told you this or not, Webs, but I struggle with depression. Now, depression comes in all colors and shapes and sizes, and I won't say mine is better or worse or harder or easier - what matters is that it is my burden. We all have our burdens, don't we?

Yesterday I felt the familiar dull, ache-y haze settling around me. Discouragement, apathy, and slow, throbbing heartache. I don't know what sadness or discouragement looks like for you, but it makes me just want to stop. Stop everything. Just lay in bed and stare at the wall in hopelessness. There are so many things that seem wrong right now.

I've been hobbling around on a cane for the past few days because my foot and ankle ache so badly, and I can't figure out why. I finally have the space and time to jog, only i can't. I don't know how I'll ever get back in shape and I CANT FIT INTO A SINGLE DAMN THING I OWN I WEAR THE SAME BURGUNDY PANTS ABOUT 12 TIMES A WEEK AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME A PAIR OF PANTS THAT FITS. I have work enough to last 3 lifetimes, I think, and it's all super important and high priority though for the life of me i don't understand why this powerpoint needs another illegible infographic. i sincerely have no idea how i'll get it all done. and then of course there's every hurt and every awful thought swarming around inside me. I see what the devil's doing, and i see where he's trying to get my brain to go, and sometimes i feel too powerless to fight it.

But I woke up to another luscious green day out here in podunk nowhere, and today I feel called to choose. Choose to dwell in my sorrows or acknowledge the joy I've been given*. I can't say I feel any joy right now, but the fact is this: I have every reason to be joyous.

I have received encouragement from so many unexpected places (every one of your messages, comments, texts, conversations means the world - thank-you). I have The Cosby Show on dvd (this just seems like a thing to be grateful for because it is HILARIOUS). I live in the most gorgeous areas with cows so i can have more cow conversations on walks with my janky cane. My Grandma takes great care of me and loves me well.

Most importantly, I am reminded that I have been wrenched from sin and darkness and my worst self. God had me in His eye throughout my entire rebellion and never stopped wanting more for me. His vision for me was never an angry, broken, selfish half life that falls so so short. My Adopted Father has a grand beautiful plan for me (and you, by the way) and my (..and your) life in His Kingdom, though it may take some hurting and healing and refining to get there.

So today I will choose to focus on the facts - my joy - rather than succumb to feelings - my sadness.

-bRob

* I mean it when I say I know that depression comes in all forms. And I know that managing sorrow is not often as simple as choosing not to dwell in it, and sadness and joy are not mutually exclusive. This is just my sadness, my today.

PS. We should probably just change the name of this blog to Whatever JJ Heller Song bRob is Currently Crying About.

Brokenness made beautiful

The wars that You have won

And the storms You calmed in me

A Fresh Adventure

For those of you that haven't kept up with this little blog, I take the Full Disclosure above very seriously. I'm an over-sharer. If that makes you squeamish, you might just avoid this post. Or just read it realllll awkward-like. Your choice.

I just cried in an airport bathroom. Like, in the stall. I chased that down with a Happy Meal from McDiabetes, where I cried a little more. in a crowded airport. And then at an empty gate. And now I'm blogging at another gate. If you didn't know me any better, you might think that was pretty embarrassing. But then again I'm the sort of person who drools all the way down her shirt in front of her boss [i don't even know] and walks around with her skirt tucked up in her pantyhose...like, a lot. So I guess in the grand scheme of things, sobbing my way through DFW is small fries.

//Then I caught a plane and this post was put on hold//

As I sit down to finish this post, my eyes are still stinging from fresh new tears, and I'm sitting in the middle of shoes, text books, and a cello that have yet to be packed. I'm moving into my Grandma's house today.

I've spent the better part of a year rebelling against the Lord. Ignoring His will and desires for me, and choosing my own. Forsaking joy for fleeting happiness. Hurting people who care about me. Meeting my very truest worst self.

And this past week in a sudden whirlwind that could've only been orchestrated by God, everything came to a sudden halt. In one abrupt moment, all the carefully laid plans and hopes and life I'd whittled away for myself broke into tiny, splintering shards.

I am scared. I am angry. I am hurting. I am broken.

I hate that I'm moving. I feel like I'm leaving this city that's been my home for the past few years in absolute shame. This is never how I wanted to leave.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm fleeing my temptations or running from my problems. I am broken-hearted about so many things. I'm angry at the friends that gave up on me in my rebellion - the ones that refuse to even talk to me anymore.  I wish I had the time to take one last walk around my beloved alma mater and breathe the campus air, eat one more London Broil from Mitch's, go jog around Lake Johnson, drive down Hillsborough street, worship one last time at the Summit. Leave on good terms. I am ashamed of how I've hurt people I care deeply about.

Coming out of my rebellion shows me how truly broken I am. My struggle with anger has become increasingly dangerous and self-destructive. I have little to no community. And I've spent so long stifling the Spirit's voice, I have no idea how to listen anymore.

I cried out to God last week, You PROMISED to remain faithful, even if I was faithless. How can I fix all my broken pieces and struggles? How will I find community in this new podunk town? How will I be better if I can't even figure out everything that's wrong? Where are You? And out of the chaos He quietly said, "I will provide."

So that's what I have right now. A broken heart and the promise of the God Who Will Provide.

Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,
and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, 

but rather be healed.

Hebrews 12: 12 - 13

Dear readers, you've seen me through Europe, pets, graduation, awkward moments, and many a splendid thing. But now it's time for a fresh adventure - learning to live a simple, peaceful life with my God. [...And my Grandma, a godly woman who says to me daily, Miss Britt, talk to Jesus.]

Here's to setting my paths straight and healing the broken bones.

I hope you'll keep reading.

-bRob

PS - I've sat down to write this post at least four times. It's taken a long time because a) this is hard, b) my life is genuinely chaotic at this moment. But already I've received encouragement from friends, and some of the ideas in this post are evolving. I will keep this post the way it is, however, because this is a journey. There will be good moments, bad moments, but I will try to be diligent about chronicling the Lord's faithfulness and salvation all the way through. And one day I will look back on the beginning of this journey and think, look how far the Lord has brought me.

Anchors Aweigh: McFly

Editor's Note: If you don't like gushy pet stories, feel free to not read this post. Honestly, I recommend it. I hate gushy pet stories. But this is mine. It's unapologetically gushy and I need to write it. It's more for me than it is for you.


I have lost three pets in an approximately six month time span. First it was Mariella, then my cat of 18ish years, Dorothy, died a few weeks ago, and now McFly. I miss him the most.

Pathetic though it may be, I bought him in a sort of lonely period in my life. I suppose in place of human friendship I sought animal companionship. Not really, but a little. Don't dwell on that.

It wasn't exactly an impulse - I spent a good month contemplating the purchase of my rat. And then bought him as a birthday present to me.

(McFly was from PetSmart, before I really knew about animal rescues)

McFly and I were not immediately best friends. He had an extremely jumpy personality. He also had a knack for escaping and squeezing into small spaces and running faster than I can.

When I first got McFly, I was living with a couple of girls who were animal whisperers. Whenever I brought him out to "play", he ran from me like I was the grim reaper, but he was always somewhat subdued around them. One time he actually fell asleep in S.'s arms [right after peeing on me]. It was a very precious scene, if you cropped out the part where I was sitting nearby looking bitter and pouting.

However, when he woke up, he heard a loud thump. He ran his speedy little self across the couch and cowered by me. S. cooed, "Aww, you're his anchor!" She explained an anchor is the person he clings to when he's scared or afraid.

Well, cool. I was his anchor.

That did not stop him from being downright obnoxious. Our first year together was, at times, rocky. At one point he escaped from his cage and hid in the box springs of my bed - what followed was an hour of cursing, squeaking, and rat wrestling, and then days of paranoia about whether or not he would hate me forever. Then there was the day he up and bit me my chin all the way to the bone. Rough.

over the past two years, mcFly and i have done lots of studying together

But at some point I think he adjusted to the fact that he was stuck with me. Especially after Mariella died, he and I developed a sort of rhythm. He learned to quit peeing on me, and I learned that when he sat in a certain spot, he wanted to be picked up.

this picture melts me

And then he got sick. I tried to be more proactive this time around - antibiotics, vet visits, switching to baby food fairly early in his sickness. All the same - his breathing was laborious and strained, and he'd stopped running around. Eventually his days consisted of sitting in one spot and maybe eating a bit of food. He did not even go into his cage; he merely sat on top.

During his sickness he became extremely clingy. He wanted me to hold him all of the time. If I left the room, the rat who barely moved would rotate so that he was facing the door. He would rest gently and actually fall asleep in my arms. McFly was sick, tired, and every breath exhausted him. And in his pain and what I think might have been a little bit of fear, he clung to me.

I was his anchor.

just a day or two ago

His last option involved a series of daily treatments that might manage his illness. Or euthanasia. When Mariella died I wasn't really educated on the timing and details of putting a pet down. But having seem one pet die a slow, painful death, I knew better this time.

Making this decision was agonizing. I hated all the factors that weighed in - expense, time, convenience, McFly's suffering. And then my job. Next week I start travelling on a regular basis - at the least, four days a week.

If I were still in college, I think I would push him through those treatments. And I would fight the good fight with him. But that isn't really an option, now that my job is starting. While I was on the road, he would go through a series of stressful treatments with someone else pushing the buttons.

I felt the most merciful thing, then, would be to put him down. I was the only person he liked, and not being there while he went through all of that seemed cruel.

I took him to the vet yesterday. A dear friend drove me there and held my hand the entire time. The staff and vet were so kind. Dr. L answered all my questions before I could even ask them. And she assured me I was making a good decision - which is what I think I needed to hear most. I don't know that there is any way to make this situation comfortable, but they made it much more bearable. [If you have an exotic in North Carolina, check them out].

Anyways, his death was quick. A brief injection, a squeak, and then I held him as his eyes glazed over.

I came home to the empty cage and untouched food and the rumpled blanket where we spent our last day together cuddled up. Today I worked up the courage to clean it all.

This has been the hardest loss of all my pets. McFly and I were, to quote today's youths, tight. I am so grateful for a pet that actually loved me. Trust me - animals that like me for more than a belly rub are few and far between. I'm also grateful that he died on our terms - without too much suffering, quickly and quietly.

compliments of my little sister

I'll miss him to heaven and back, for sure. McFly was an amazing pet and we've weathered quite a bit together.

Anchors aweigh, little man.

I think I'll be off pets for a while.

-bRob

PS. I feel it needs to be said, somewhere on the interWebs, that a sweet pet rat is so much cuter than a Corgi.

The Fruits of My Not Laboring

Hey Webs.

I should be studying for my a test tomorrow. I went out and bought:

- 4-pack of Starbucks Bottled Fraps 

- an Energy Drink (...my first ever...)

- a bag of gummi worms

- pizza rolls

- a microwavable cookie dish

- soda

...

and I still haven't worked up the motivation to start studying. [I did, however, crack open those gummi worms.] So I figured I'd use my studying time efficiently and blog instead.

Today is one of those days where I feel slightly sad, for about a billion different reasons. Last week I got a test back - a test on which I thought I'd done well. I received the lowest test score I've ever received before. When I went to talk to the professor today and ask questions about it, he asked me what I'd gotten on the previous test. It was also remarkably low. The professor shook his head sadly and gave me a look of pity - whether because I'm a forecasting/inventory control imbecile or because I'm doomed to failure, I'm not quite sure. Then he said, "Well, I hate that." Oh for SOMETHING's sakes! You hating my horrible test grade on my behalf is like me hating how bald you are for you. It's stupid. Let's just both leave one another with our dignity and not mention how sad it all is. 

That may have been a dumb analogy.

But as I left the professor's office, I broke down in tears. TEARS. Over a test grade. Or two horrible test grades, rather.

It's just one of those days where there isn't  much fight left in me, you know?

And I was thinking about that - about how just mundanely sad I'm feeling right now. Not just about tests or mosquito-bitten legs or the fact that I haven't done my taxes yet [...]. Just a little pathetic-ly sad.

I read Psalm 55 earlier today:

⁴ My heart is in anguish within me, And the terrors of death have fallen upon me. ⁵ Fear and trembling come upon me, And horror has overwhelmed me. ⁶ I said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. ⁷ “Behold, I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness.  

David's got it. Some days I just want to pick up my stuff and head west. 

There's a small [big] melodramatic part of me that wants to stop there and just be like, yeah. YEAH. Headed west, losers.

But I don't think that's the point. Psalm 55, again:

²² Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. ...But I will trust in You. 

God is good, guys. God. is. good.

-bRob

PS: My buddy E came to my front door and brought me a cupcake. Whatttt? That girl so bomb. snarked it down in two seconds flat.

There's a Curve, and I'm Most Assuredly Behind It

My roommate just made fun of me because apparently everybody has already heard Gotye's Somebody That I Used to Know (featured in the previous post).

I was so disappointed; I thought for once I was ahead of the curve - sharing new music to the masses [via my extremely popular blogumentary] - to which she responded, "Nah, Ryan Seacrest beat you to it."

Ugh. There is no curve that I will ever be ahead of.

-bRob

Blogumenting

last week i was super sick.
i'm better now, and also we're out of kleenex and toilet paper.

Today's been another rough day. I say that not because I want pity, but because I'm blogumenting my feelings. And I'm big on full disclosure. 

Beyond that, there isn't much to say about my melodrama, but I wanted to share my go-to Bible verse for hard days.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

And my go-to tune:

Unrelatedly, I met with my senior design group to discuss a really unimportant ten-minute presentation for our Wednesday class. Here are one group member's thoughts on presentations:

"You know how I prepare for a presentation? I show up and then present."

"One time, to look like I'd actually prepared, I grabbed some blank notecards and flipped through them while I talked."

I am super thankful for my stellar team. We have too much fun, seeing as how we're putting in so many hours with a company that isn't paying us. hah.

-bRob

Sally Forth

About some time ago, I promised myself that I would never blog when I am either in the throes of anger or despair. Clearly, I forgot who I was dealing with, because obviously discretion and whatever the appropriate word is for keeping one's feelings to oneself  - these are not things in which I excel.

I know I'll find today's earlier post marginally embarrassing at some point, so I thought I'd qualify it with this post. However, I am neither embarrassed nor sorry enough to remove it entirely, because this is, at the end of the day, a blogumentary. The bad thing about being bRob is that you will embarrass yourself a lot percent of the time. The good thing about being bRob is that you'll probably forget about it pretty quickly.

However, I can still say that today has not been a good day. In fact, it's been unhappy.

But one thing I want to share with you is a little bit of truth and honesty. One of my biggest struggles is really understanding what God's love looks like. I know that it is all around me. But, broken as I am, it is something I have struggled to internalize for a while. It's God's Truth that keeps me going, but it's His Love that saved me, and it's His Love I don't really know. If that makes any sense at all.

However, something to which I've always been sensitive is how other people love me. When people make time for me, or follow up with me, or speak words of encouragement, it is such a blessing and it means SO much. Even when I am outright rebelling against the Lord, I see small glimmers of His grace through some of the people in my life and the kindness they extend.

 I  began to think about some of the things my brothers and sisters in Christ have done out of love for me. And really, I thought about how their love is a mere reflection of God's love. God's love that I see dimly. I dwelt on the fact that what my brothers and sisters do for me, they do on behalf of One who loves me more. Way more than they could. Not that they don't love me, but that He loves me unfathomably more, and their outpouring of love is a result of His love. Convoluted? Maybe when I explain it.

But as an exercise for myself - I replayed these events and things my friends have done for me as if God Himself was behind them.. Which He is.

Here's kind of how that worked (in my head):

* About a year ago, God sent me postcards every couple of days with encouraging words and verses on them for at least two months.

* Over a year ago, God stayed late after teaching a seminar late at night to ask me why I was upset and talk to me about my walk with God and why I was crying.

* In the fall of 2010, God pulled me aside before my baptism because He could tell I was nervous, and He prayed over me.

* Last semester, God paid for my lunch without even thinking twice about it, just because.

* Last month, God texted, messaged, and called me after Mariella got sick to see if I was alright and needed help.

* A few weeks ago, God texted me after Bible Study because I seemed upset. God then poured out words of encouragement and understanding.

* Tonight, God met me after a long day at work because I texted, in distress, at the last minute. God then listened intently, talked, laughed, and prayed with me.

All of you - I am so thankful God has blessed me with your friendships. He is gracious to have given me such sweet friends who show His love so well.

I have a lot of growing to do in understanding God's love [aaaaand in general]. But as I sally forth, I am reminded of His love by the way you guys love me.

Thanks for pointing me towards Him, even when I'm turned the other way.

-bRob

PS - I really thought the term was tally forth, but I googled it beforehand and changed it to sally forth puh-retty quickly. Because that would've been embarrassing. 

98 and a half

Do you remember that scene from Mean Girls where Lindsey's character eats her lunch on a toilet in a stall in the girl's high school bathroom?

Ninety-eight and a half percent of the time I find that scene utterly revolting. Why on earth would anyone ever eat in a public restroom? I cannot think of any nastier place to eat food.

But today, for the first time, I had the sort of day that made me want to eat my lunch quietly and by myself in a high school bathroom.

I get it, Lindsey Lohan character.

Some days there are worse things than germs and gross.

-bRob

Bye Bye, Little Nugget

Hey guys -
    Just a quick post to let y'all know that Mariella, my little rat, died today.

It was kind of a shock, because for the past few days she'd been getting much better, it seemed. She was gaining weight, she was being feisty, and she seemed more energetic. However, overnight, something went really wrong - maybe something gave out. I don't really know, and I don't understand, but today she was very limp and couldn't move at all. Luckily my roommate and I got back in time to be with her when she died.

Anyways, at least she isn't suffering anymore. I want to say a BIG thank-you to all of the friends and family that have helped me take care of her this past week. Giving me suggestions, buying her food, helping me feed her, showing me how to give her medicine...thank-you for all the sweet texts, emails, and comments. And thank-you for your prayers.

I'm pretty sure that there isn't any Biblical basis for a pet heaven, but if there was, I'm also sure Mariella would be in it. She was the bomb diggity. She hated being held, she was insanely squirmy, she was very good at running on the wheel, and she loved stealing food from her much bigger cage mate, McFly. She was extremely nosy, but simultaneously cautious. Also, she had a horrible sense of balance. It was really adorable and endearing.

My sweet little nugget is gone.

-bRob

Decommissioning Facebook

It's come down to that. This semester is kicking my heiney (is that word even spell-able?). I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to pull four consecutive all-nighters to complete my homeworks, projects, and tests this week.

But we're all busy, right? Well,  yours truly here has a serious lack of self-control and is incapable of going 3.7 seconds without checking facebook. So here's to extreme measures.

Honestly, as dumb as this sounds, I'm slightly concerned no one will read my blog without checking facebook.
But YOU, dear loyal reader, are here now, so you can either click that little follow button -->, or just read whenever. Or not read. That, too, is an option.

 I've been turning into kind of a Stats Addict anyways. It'll be humbling when I wake up and only have three page views. Who doesn't need more humility?

And let's be real for a hot minute...this will probably last until next weekend, at best.

Anyways, over the course of the next week, I promise to try not to just post a slew of would-be status updates.

Here's to a week of more intentional contact with people, but mostly just more productivity..

over and out, facebook.
 [for a week]
-bRob

Vote now: Is this fare well more or less dramatic than this farewell?