Blogumenting

last week i was super sick.
i'm better now, and also we're out of kleenex and toilet paper.

Today's been another rough day. I say that not because I want pity, but because I'm blogumenting my feelings. And I'm big on full disclosure. 

Beyond that, there isn't much to say about my melodrama, but I wanted to share my go-to Bible verse for hard days.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

And my go-to tune:

Unrelatedly, I met with my senior design group to discuss a really unimportant ten-minute presentation for our Wednesday class. Here are one group member's thoughts on presentations:

"You know how I prepare for a presentation? I show up and then present."

"One time, to look like I'd actually prepared, I grabbed some blank notecards and flipped through them while I talked."

I am super thankful for my stellar team. We have too much fun, seeing as how we're putting in so many hours with a company that isn't paying us. hah.

-bRob

Sally Forth

About some time ago, I promised myself that I would never blog when I am either in the throes of anger or despair. Clearly, I forgot who I was dealing with, because obviously discretion and whatever the appropriate word is for keeping one's feelings to oneself  - these are not things in which I excel.

I know I'll find today's earlier post marginally embarrassing at some point, so I thought I'd qualify it with this post. However, I am neither embarrassed nor sorry enough to remove it entirely, because this is, at the end of the day, a blogumentary. The bad thing about being bRob is that you will embarrass yourself a lot percent of the time. The good thing about being bRob is that you'll probably forget about it pretty quickly.

However, I can still say that today has not been a good day. In fact, it's been unhappy.

But one thing I want to share with you is a little bit of truth and honesty. One of my biggest struggles is really understanding what God's love looks like. I know that it is all around me. But, broken as I am, it is something I have struggled to internalize for a while. It's God's Truth that keeps me going, but it's His Love that saved me, and it's His Love I don't really know. If that makes any sense at all.

However, something to which I've always been sensitive is how other people love me. When people make time for me, or follow up with me, or speak words of encouragement, it is such a blessing and it means SO much. Even when I am outright rebelling against the Lord, I see small glimmers of His grace through some of the people in my life and the kindness they extend.

 I  began to think about some of the things my brothers and sisters in Christ have done out of love for me. And really, I thought about how their love is a mere reflection of God's love. God's love that I see dimly. I dwelt on the fact that what my brothers and sisters do for me, they do on behalf of One who loves me more. Way more than they could. Not that they don't love me, but that He loves me unfathomably more, and their outpouring of love is a result of His love. Convoluted? Maybe when I explain it.

But as an exercise for myself - I replayed these events and things my friends have done for me as if God Himself was behind them.. Which He is.

Here's kind of how that worked (in my head):

* About a year ago, God sent me postcards every couple of days with encouraging words and verses on them for at least two months.

* Over a year ago, God stayed late after teaching a seminar late at night to ask me why I was upset and talk to me about my walk with God and why I was crying.

* In the fall of 2010, God pulled me aside before my baptism because He could tell I was nervous, and He prayed over me.

* Last semester, God paid for my lunch without even thinking twice about it, just because.

* Last month, God texted, messaged, and called me after Mariella got sick to see if I was alright and needed help.

* A few weeks ago, God texted me after Bible Study because I seemed upset. God then poured out words of encouragement and understanding.

* Tonight, God met me after a long day at work because I texted, in distress, at the last minute. God then listened intently, talked, laughed, and prayed with me.

All of you - I am so thankful God has blessed me with your friendships. He is gracious to have given me such sweet friends who show His love so well.

I have a lot of growing to do in understanding God's love [aaaaand in general]. But as I sally forth, I am reminded of His love by the way you guys love me.

Thanks for pointing me towards Him, even when I'm turned the other way.

-bRob

PS - I really thought the term was tally forth, but I googled it beforehand and changed it to sally forth puh-retty quickly. Because that would've been embarrassing. 

What you don't know...

Dear you (InterWebs)-

First off, today I am thankful for days that are gray and equally as thankful for the sweatpants that allow me to fully enjoy gray days, even if they do not accentuate and flatter my figure quite as much as it deserves.

(btdubs - i know this doesn't make it right, but i feel like if i admit to stealing most of the photos i put in my blog, i'm not quite as awful)

Anyways - there's something that is far greater than rainy days and sweatpants I wanted to share today.

And that is the fact that God knows your innermost thoughts and desires, even when you don't. I decided to blog about this while jogging ( with a soft j) today.

{Explanatory Digression}
I like to pray while I run. This is for many reasons:
a) Running is boring. I have to multitask so I don't die of sheer boredom and then go eat something instead of running that last mile
b) I'm a horrible pray-er (someone who prays...?). I figure that while running my mind is finally searching for something to do, so why not converse why God?
c) I always forget to charge my iPod.
{End Digression}

So today, while running, I tried to explain to God that I'm trying to give my heart to Him, and I know I have desires getting in the way, and would He kindly help me with that? And then I went off track (not literally, mentally) and wondered if I was really giving my heart to God. How do I know if I'm truly being honest with God when I say, "Lord, YOU are more important than anything else"?

You see, I'm the master of self-deceit. I can sell myself anything. I can convince myself that what I'm doing is morally or ethically right, or I can just rationalize my bad behaviour like a pro. And knowing the extent of my own self-deception, I don't trust myself anymore. Whenever I try to make an important decision, I end up wildly confused and am constantly second-guessing myself. It's a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and condemnations. What am I doing? Is this right? But now it feels wrong. Should I be doing this instead? But I'm still not certain if this is the right thing to do. By the end, I've gotten myself so twisted and turned around that I'm on the brink of tears, lost and hopeless.

And then I began to think about this verse.
^{Matthew 6:8} ...for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.

God knows. When my emotions and fickle thoughts and prayers leave me muddled, confused, heart-broken and weary, God knows what's going on. I may not be able to sort through my own mess and deception, but God can see down to my core -the evil and the good, He sees the things I'm don't know I'm hiding, He knows the things I'm trying desperately to give up to Him.

And that makes me want to cry with relief. My FATHER knows what I'm really about, deep down. I don't need to try and convince Him of anything. I may not trust myself, but I can certainly trust that the Lord sees through the lies I can't.

If your heart has ever wrestled with thoughts like How saved am I? Do I believe ENOUGH? Am I so muddled and lost that I don't know how muddled and lost I truly am?, find peace in this verse.

1 John 3: 19-20

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.

1 John 3 is one of those life verses you should write on an index card and stick on your bathroom mirror.

POST SCRIPT:
My bestie Marcia showed me this music video. I love it more and more with each passing day. (If you are not a fan of interpretive dance, I PROMISE you it gets better after the first minute or two...I am not an interpretive dance fan either.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA