Waiting, in Silence

I am a problem-solver. Not a particularly good one, but a problem-solver nevertheless. Have you heard that dumb interview question, "Which would you rather have: a problem or a blank piece of paper?" I will always pick the problem. If you hand me a blank piece of paper all you're going to get is 11 poorly drawn cubes, maybe a spiral, and blood from the two papercuts I'm basically contractually obliged to get.

But when you give me a problem, I spring into action. I love problems because I love answers. And I love answers because I love knowing exactly what to do.

In the middle of uncertainty and struggle, then, I immediately go into problem-solving mode. When money gets tight, when sickness enters the family, or when I can't stand the thought of working another day at this damn job - I start googling, drawing charts, building spreadsheets. I make contingency plans. And if that fails, I begin calling people - the boyfriend, someone from church, my Dad - someone who can tell me what to do.

I've been dealing with some personal battles for the past couple of weeks, and I desperately long for someone to give me answers. At this point I might even take a bad answer, so long as I have one. But, for the first time, as I began writing the text or an overwrought email, I stopped myself.

As much as I want a plan, and as I sit in the still, small, and necessarily intimate space of my 450 ft studio apartment, I have felt the quiet conviction that God wants me come to Him instead. Where I would text someone, He wants me to sit down. When I start googling, He wants me to be still and pray. When I want to cry to a friend, He is asking me to cry out to Him first.

I felt affirmed in my conviction as I was reading Lamentations the other day. Of a suffering man, the author writes,

Let him sit alone and be silent
Since He has laid it on him. (Lamentations 3:28, NASB)

I don't know why I found this verse so profound, because as I mulled it over, I realize God has been speaking this message to me again and again, year after year, across the pages of His word.

The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent. (Exodus 14:14, NASB)

Cease striving and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10, NASB), or
Be still, and know that I am God. (NIV)

Whom have I in heaven but You? (Psalm 73:25, NASB)

I don't have enough words within me to explain how hard and lonely it is to recognize and give up a reliance on human assurance. To put down the phone, shut off the laptop, and get down on your knees. To pray to a God that at times seems distant, while earthly advice seems so tangible.

But, at the end of the day and at the end of your life, it comes down to you and God. No one on this earth can fight the battles you will face. There is nothing in this world that can save you from your worst fears. The only hope you have is in Christ. God alone is the blessed controller of all things, and He demands your submission to His sovereignty.

So. We sit in our tiny, intimate rooms and quietly place our trust in a God who is far wiser and promises that every minute of waiting is for our good and His glory. We pray and cry out to a God that allows our suffering and sometimes meets us with silence, because we know we will not wait forever. We rely on a God who leads us down paths we do not understand, because He assures us that He is prospering us (Jeremiah 29:11), restoring us (1 Peter 5:10) , and fighting for us (Exodus 14:14).

We cease our striving and sit alone and wait on our God, because we know that our hope is not here.

-Britt

An Open Letter to No One // Edification

we heart it  via Darling, be daring.

Unless you've been living...oh, I don't know, nowhere, then you've probably heard about the Miley circa the VMA's debacle. That, in conjunction with her gratuitously sexual music videos and photos and erratic behavior, have driven her to the forefront of the public eye.

Recently, artist Sinead O'Connor facebooked an open letter to Miley Cyrus in which she describes how she is "extremely concerned for [Miley]" and blathers on about how Cyrus is being pimped, she is not caring for herself, she should use her talent instead of her sexuality, so on and so forth. Millions of people all over the interwebs have heralded O'Connor as some sort sort of martyr and mother figure for her deep-seated compassion and thoughtful advice to the younger artist.

Pardon my french, but I call bullsh*t.

A very public and open facebook post is NOT the appropriate forum to mentor or speak truth to a person in need. I find it troubling that so many people think that it is. (And based on Cyrus' defensive and questionable reaction, I would call into question its efficacy as well.)

I don't want to focus on the tabloid, star-studded, gossip-y controversy (i mean i totally do, but not right now), but rather the mentality driving a lot of the public response.

There are two very basic things we need to call out here:

•  If someone needs guidance or counsel that you are in a position to provide, a discrete and personal conversation will go a lot further in demonstrating your concern and compassion. Leave loud public announcements and open letters (that are really more about you and your highly publicized "compassion") behind. It seems a little Pharisaical, don't you think?

 If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 
Matthew 18:15

•  All guidance and advice should come from a place of love.

Let all that you do be done in love. 
1 Cor 16:14

...Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies. If anyone supposes that he knows anything, he has not yet known as he ought to know.
1 Cor 8:1-2

How do we ensure that we are speaking out of love?

I would humbly suggest that we look at our relationship with the person to whom we are speaking. Do you have any actual knowledge about this person's life or struggles? Have you truly lived life with them? Been there when they've hurt, rejoiced when they've rejoiced? Have you built a foundation for a conversation, not a lecture? Preaching at someone is not loving. Building a sincere and genuine two-way relationship, one in which you listen and talk, is.

I've been a person in need of guidance and instruction. I've been entrenched in sin and had people speak Truth to me. But the advice and support that's meant the most has been given by people who loved me well. The ones who held their hand out when I was in need, who rejoiced with me in my blessings, and intentionally invested in my life...it's never been the ones who arrogantly step in only to  counsel and then step out again.

To the self-righteous open letter writers, to the people who are professional hand-shakers and five-minute conversation-havers in between the pews, to the Sunday School classmates who collect prayer requests like Pokemon cards but never follow up:

Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean it's your place to say it.

Counsel and advice should always be rooted in Love, and Love requires investment. 

Ok, that's my last open letter.

-bRob

Is there Room for Grace in an 80 hour Work Week?

Where does my faith fit into my work-dominated life?

In many ways, the Lord has crafted me for this sort of work environment. Being in consulting is a high-intensity, intellectually challenging, fast-paced, continuously changing calling. All of which I craved coming out of undergrad.

I truly enjoy what I do. But more and more, I wonder how, in a job that requires a high degree of aggression, competition, and sacrifice, I am supposed to embody the grace, humility, and meekness God asks of His followers.

After a non-stop month of constant sleep deprivation, working all weekend, dealing with terrible coworker drama llama, blowing off my family and friends because I have a lifetime supply of excel sheets to sift through, completely blowing my diet out of the water and living on diet coke, sandwiches, energy drinks, and thai food...I'm exhausted.

oh...and I've completely turned into this kind of jackwagon:

Not by choice, mind you. I hate interrupting conversations and interactions with work calls, but, candidly, when your boss calls you about something last minute, what are you supposed to do??

I'm in a very confusing place right now. God has given me this personality and work ethic and drive that make me a good fit for consulting. And I don't think being a blunt, ambitious person is inherently wrong. I truly believe that God has put me here, and these parts of my personality that might strike some as abrasive have served me well in this environment.

But what I don't know is how to do these things with the grace of a woman of God. How do you turn the other cheek while still protecting yourself against a manipulative coworker who is attempting to undermine you? I've actually had a few people suggest that negotiating raises and salaries is greedy, but I believe there's something to be said for defending your worth as an employee. But where is that balance? And how do you make intentional time for friends, family, and, most importantly, the Lord, when you pound back energy drinks just to stay awake? How do I find the stamina to glorify God through my work when quite frankly I can't even get to all of it? Where does a healthy and necessary dose of ambition and aggression meet grace and humility?

And I think what worries me the most is that I don't have any godly examples around me. It's no secret that consulting can be a very secular, worldly career, and though I'm fortunate to be in a firm that is a far cry from House of Lies, consultants that openly identify themselves as a Christ-followers are few and far between (not non-existent, mind you, but certainly scarce). I don't think these intense, competitive professional careers are inherently antagonistic to a godly way of life, but why do I feel so alone in this? And how....do I do it?

In a world full of wolves, how am I supposed to be as shrewd as a serpent and innocent as a dove? It seems like a juggling act that I haven't quite grasped.

Here lies a post without resolution. I just don't know.

-bRob

Fact over Feeling//Joy over Sadness

I don't know if I've told you this or not, Webs, but I struggle with depression. Now, depression comes in all colors and shapes and sizes, and I won't say mine is better or worse or harder or easier - what matters is that it is my burden. We all have our burdens, don't we?

Yesterday I felt the familiar dull, ache-y haze settling around me. Discouragement, apathy, and slow, throbbing heartache. I don't know what sadness or discouragement looks like for you, but it makes me just want to stop. Stop everything. Just lay in bed and stare at the wall in hopelessness. There are so many things that seem wrong right now.

I've been hobbling around on a cane for the past few days because my foot and ankle ache so badly, and I can't figure out why. I finally have the space and time to jog, only i can't. I don't know how I'll ever get back in shape and I CANT FIT INTO A SINGLE DAMN THING I OWN I WEAR THE SAME BURGUNDY PANTS ABOUT 12 TIMES A WEEK AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME A PAIR OF PANTS THAT FITS. I have work enough to last 3 lifetimes, I think, and it's all super important and high priority though for the life of me i don't understand why this powerpoint needs another illegible infographic. i sincerely have no idea how i'll get it all done. and then of course there's every hurt and every awful thought swarming around inside me. I see what the devil's doing, and i see where he's trying to get my brain to go, and sometimes i feel too powerless to fight it.

But I woke up to another luscious green day out here in podunk nowhere, and today I feel called to choose. Choose to dwell in my sorrows or acknowledge the joy I've been given*. I can't say I feel any joy right now, but the fact is this: I have every reason to be joyous.

I have received encouragement from so many unexpected places (every one of your messages, comments, texts, conversations means the world - thank-you). I have The Cosby Show on dvd (this just seems like a thing to be grateful for because it is HILARIOUS). I live in the most gorgeous areas with cows so i can have more cow conversations on walks with my janky cane. My Grandma takes great care of me and loves me well.

Most importantly, I am reminded that I have been wrenched from sin and darkness and my worst self. God had me in His eye throughout my entire rebellion and never stopped wanting more for me. His vision for me was never an angry, broken, selfish half life that falls so so short. My Adopted Father has a grand beautiful plan for me (and you, by the way) and my (..and your) life in His Kingdom, though it may take some hurting and healing and refining to get there.

So today I will choose to focus on the facts - my joy - rather than succumb to feelings - my sadness.

-bRob

* I mean it when I say I know that depression comes in all forms. And I know that managing sorrow is not often as simple as choosing not to dwell in it, and sadness and joy are not mutually exclusive. This is just my sadness, my today.

PS. We should probably just change the name of this blog to Whatever JJ Heller Song bRob is Currently Crying About.

Brokenness made beautiful

The wars that You have won

And the storms You calmed in me

A Fresh Adventure

For those of you that haven't kept up with this little blog, I take the Full Disclosure above very seriously. I'm an over-sharer. If that makes you squeamish, you might just avoid this post. Or just read it realllll awkward-like. Your choice.

I just cried in an airport bathroom. Like, in the stall. I chased that down with a Happy Meal from McDiabetes, where I cried a little more. in a crowded airport. And then at an empty gate. And now I'm blogging at another gate. If you didn't know me any better, you might think that was pretty embarrassing. But then again I'm the sort of person who drools all the way down her shirt in front of her boss [i don't even know] and walks around with her skirt tucked up in her pantyhose...like, a lot. So I guess in the grand scheme of things, sobbing my way through DFW is small fries.

//Then I caught a plane and this post was put on hold//

As I sit down to finish this post, my eyes are still stinging from fresh new tears, and I'm sitting in the middle of shoes, text books, and a cello that have yet to be packed. I'm moving into my Grandma's house today.

I've spent the better part of a year rebelling against the Lord. Ignoring His will and desires for me, and choosing my own. Forsaking joy for fleeting happiness. Hurting people who care about me. Meeting my very truest worst self.

And this past week in a sudden whirlwind that could've only been orchestrated by God, everything came to a sudden halt. In one abrupt moment, all the carefully laid plans and hopes and life I'd whittled away for myself broke into tiny, splintering shards.

I am scared. I am angry. I am hurting. I am broken.

I hate that I'm moving. I feel like I'm leaving this city that's been my home for the past few years in absolute shame. This is never how I wanted to leave.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm fleeing my temptations or running from my problems. I am broken-hearted about so many things. I'm angry at the friends that gave up on me in my rebellion - the ones that refuse to even talk to me anymore.  I wish I had the time to take one last walk around my beloved alma mater and breathe the campus air, eat one more London Broil from Mitch's, go jog around Lake Johnson, drive down Hillsborough street, worship one last time at the Summit. Leave on good terms. I am ashamed of how I've hurt people I care deeply about.

Coming out of my rebellion shows me how truly broken I am. My struggle with anger has become increasingly dangerous and self-destructive. I have little to no community. And I've spent so long stifling the Spirit's voice, I have no idea how to listen anymore.

I cried out to God last week, You PROMISED to remain faithful, even if I was faithless. How can I fix all my broken pieces and struggles? How will I find community in this new podunk town? How will I be better if I can't even figure out everything that's wrong? Where are You? And out of the chaos He quietly said, "I will provide."

So that's what I have right now. A broken heart and the promise of the God Who Will Provide.

Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,
and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, 

but rather be healed.

Hebrews 12: 12 - 13

Dear readers, you've seen me through Europe, pets, graduation, awkward moments, and many a splendid thing. But now it's time for a fresh adventure - learning to live a simple, peaceful life with my God. [...And my Grandma, a godly woman who says to me daily, Miss Britt, talk to Jesus.]

Here's to setting my paths straight and healing the broken bones.

I hope you'll keep reading.

-bRob

PS - I've sat down to write this post at least four times. It's taken a long time because a) this is hard, b) my life is genuinely chaotic at this moment. But already I've received encouragement from friends, and some of the ideas in this post are evolving. I will keep this post the way it is, however, because this is a journey. There will be good moments, bad moments, but I will try to be diligent about chronicling the Lord's faithfulness and salvation all the way through. And one day I will look back on the beginning of this journey and think, look how far the Lord has brought me.

Das Leben des Maedchen

[The life of the girl]

These past few weeks have been crazy busy with projects. And not cute DIY art projects where I make my own lampshades or dye my own headbands [this is not the blog you are looking for]. These projects are the kind where you design your own distribution center or improve rotor production at a local aircraft supplier. For example.

and now it's finals time. Studying is not going super awesomely right now. If you know me this semester, then you'll understand. If you a) don't know me or b) haven't seen me in a few months - senioritus has hit HARD. Believe it or not, I used to care a lot about school and earning delicious grades - it was kinda my shtick. Watching me study now, however, is probably somewhat comparable to watching -- ok, I can't think of a metaphor (simile?) dramatic enough. But it's disappointing.

Also, I've been thinking about some things I've been struggling with, and how tedious and, full disclosure, sad it can be to face some of the same challenges again and again. This isn't melodrama, this is me being real with you. Some days I would rather ignore or even give into my struggles.

I remember reading this about a year ago, and it seems pretty relevant:

“Make no mistake,' He says, 'if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect - until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.” (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Truth. The journey to perfection does not always follow the easy path I'd prefer. And in those moments it can be so tempting to push the Lord away. Sometimes I do.

One thing I rest in, though, is that I have a God whose love is unwavering, despite my hesitation and reluctance. I know that one day I will look at that hesitation and think how nonsensical it is. How can I run away from the one Person who loves me perfectly and wholly?

My accountability buddy and future roomie, J, made me this incredible paper chain. Whenever I am struggling, she told me to take one loop off the chain and read what's inside.

Isn't that incredible? She's a beautiful person. God has blessed me richly with her friendship.

Anyways, on a less serious note...

In case you haven't heard about my life recently -  I've decided to postpone grad school for the time being. In what I think was sort of divine, a kind of dream job presented itself, and I have signed on as an entry-level consultant at a virtual firm.

And by virtual, I mean I get to live wherever I want and travel a lot. Seems aight to me.

Also, I don't begin work until this fall, and all of my summer plans have fallen through...so...you know, plan something fun and invite me. Ok?

Just kidding.

but seriously.

In the meantime, I've got to study for some finals. Just a little bit longer...

a highly irrelevant picture.
i took the manufacturing club on a tour of the a local brewery...where they manufacture beer...
also, no one from the club showed up, but some other IE friends did. 

-bRob


PS - I want to say a big THANK-YOU to all of my readers! This past month was Conversations' biggest month yet! While that may be due in large part to a Russian spam-bot and people googling for pictures of Ron Swanson without a beard, I'm still encouraged! Your sweet [or sassy =] comments are always wonderful.
Here's some Webs love for you:

 via andysamberg.blogspot

God is Good

I'm about to run off to class [I've attended EVERY class this week; are you impressed?], but I thought I should share some good news with you guys. I'll make it brief so I'm not late to class [because that would be new...].

One of the best ways to blind a Christian is to make him or her take God's blessings and gifts for granted, or not even recognize that they're from God [I think C.S. Lewis hit on this in the Screwtape Letters?]. We pray for things, but then when our prayers our answered, we flippantly believe that these things would have occured anyways.

So, before I rush off to class, I wanted to share two of my answered prayers and give God full credit for His blessings.

- Last week, McFly developed some weird sort of eye lump/sore thing. He's had it before, and it took a few weeks to go away. However, after losing Mariella, I did not want to take any chances with his health. . However, vet's offices are crazy expensive, even for a pet that fits in your hand [well, theoretically. McFly's turned into a chunky dunk.] A friend and I prayed for McFly last week - for quick healing, healing without needing to take him to the vet - etc. Within two days, McFly's eye was completely back to normal. 

God is good. He cares even about my little rat.

- You all may recall the dramatic emergency room visit a few weeks ago. I got a bill last week for over ten times as much as I was expecting, and even after insurance, it looked like I would have to pay close to $700. The hospital finance department was quite rude. I prayed that the Lord would be sovereign in this situation, even though I was angry as all get out - ready to bust some hospital doors down. My parents called to let me know a few days ago that insurance had negotiated the bill in half, and now I don't have to pay anything!

God is good.

I just wanted to share how God had answered my prayers. I have such weak faith, but it is so good to see the LORD answer prayers so clearly, swiftly, but most importantly, faithfully. He answers in such a way that I can trust His hand is ever-present in my life.

So, here's to trusting that God is sovereign in all situations, the little ones and the broken, messy ones.

-bRob

Sally Forth

About some time ago, I promised myself that I would never blog when I am either in the throes of anger or despair. Clearly, I forgot who I was dealing with, because obviously discretion and whatever the appropriate word is for keeping one's feelings to oneself  - these are not things in which I excel.

I know I'll find today's earlier post marginally embarrassing at some point, so I thought I'd qualify it with this post. However, I am neither embarrassed nor sorry enough to remove it entirely, because this is, at the end of the day, a blogumentary. The bad thing about being bRob is that you will embarrass yourself a lot percent of the time. The good thing about being bRob is that you'll probably forget about it pretty quickly.

However, I can still say that today has not been a good day. In fact, it's been unhappy.

But one thing I want to share with you is a little bit of truth and honesty. One of my biggest struggles is really understanding what God's love looks like. I know that it is all around me. But, broken as I am, it is something I have struggled to internalize for a while. It's God's Truth that keeps me going, but it's His Love that saved me, and it's His Love I don't really know. If that makes any sense at all.

However, something to which I've always been sensitive is how other people love me. When people make time for me, or follow up with me, or speak words of encouragement, it is such a blessing and it means SO much. Even when I am outright rebelling against the Lord, I see small glimmers of His grace through some of the people in my life and the kindness they extend.

 I  began to think about some of the things my brothers and sisters in Christ have done out of love for me. And really, I thought about how their love is a mere reflection of God's love. God's love that I see dimly. I dwelt on the fact that what my brothers and sisters do for me, they do on behalf of One who loves me more. Way more than they could. Not that they don't love me, but that He loves me unfathomably more, and their outpouring of love is a result of His love. Convoluted? Maybe when I explain it.

But as an exercise for myself - I replayed these events and things my friends have done for me as if God Himself was behind them.. Which He is.

Here's kind of how that worked (in my head):

* About a year ago, God sent me postcards every couple of days with encouraging words and verses on them for at least two months.

* Over a year ago, God stayed late after teaching a seminar late at night to ask me why I was upset and talk to me about my walk with God and why I was crying.

* In the fall of 2010, God pulled me aside before my baptism because He could tell I was nervous, and He prayed over me.

* Last semester, God paid for my lunch without even thinking twice about it, just because.

* Last month, God texted, messaged, and called me after Mariella got sick to see if I was alright and needed help.

* A few weeks ago, God texted me after Bible Study because I seemed upset. God then poured out words of encouragement and understanding.

* Tonight, God met me after a long day at work because I texted, in distress, at the last minute. God then listened intently, talked, laughed, and prayed with me.

All of you - I am so thankful God has blessed me with your friendships. He is gracious to have given me such sweet friends who show His love so well.

I have a lot of growing to do in understanding God's love [aaaaand in general]. But as I sally forth, I am reminded of His love by the way you guys love me.

Thanks for pointing me towards Him, even when I'm turned the other way.

-bRob

PS - I really thought the term was tally forth, but I googled it beforehand and changed it to sally forth puh-retty quickly. Because that would've been embarrassing. 

Much Too Young

I went through an extensive country music phase in middle school, sandwiched between my oldies and Stevie Wonder phases. While there is a large portion of country music I find veritably unnerving, I appreciate what a music connoisseur such as myself would consider “classic country.” This is one of those classics. I will never remember the name or the artist or that this song even exists, but whenever it pops up on the radio I find myself singing the chorus, missing nary a word.

At the age of young twenty-something, I find myself relating entirely too much to this song. Granted, part of it may be the cold that is robbing me of every ounce of energy, coupled with the fact that I ran [read: jogged] for the first time in months [read: a year] and my shins and quads are exacting revenge, but as this song twanged [?] from the radio, I felt so weary. Also I found another juicy gray hair today. At the age of young twenty-something.

I sat there and pondered what to do when you already feel old and tired at the age of young twenty-something. When you feel exhausted and weary and you’re not even old enough to rent a car. And then I thought about restoration and renewal and how the LORD promises to renew our youth like the eagle's (Psalm 103:5). 

“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.”

Isaiah 40:31 

Some days I think we all feel old, weary, and sapped, no matter the state of our physical bodies. On those days, remember that hope, renewal, restoration, rejuvenation, [these words make me feel like I’m at a spa] – in their purest state – they came from the Lord.

-bRob 

Being Right

"It is nobler to declare oneself wrong than to insist
on being right - especially when one is right."
- Nietzsche 

I hate being wrong. I hate stepping back in an argument, and knowing that I'm right but holding back near kills me. In that respect, this semester has been quite the growing experience. In the past I would have argued and argued relentlessly until I'd won.

However, I'm learning that preserving relationships is more important than always being right. Loving my neighbor, loving those around me like Christ loves them - these things matter more than proving someone wrong. 

So I'm trying to pick my battles, use wisdom, and do things in love (1 Cor 16:14). I don't roll over should someone disagree with me, but I'm learning to let certain things go.

One of the girls in my Bible study spoke words of wisdom and encouragement the other day:  It is your job to present the Gospel; that's the most important thing. And if that means letting someone else be right when you know that he or she is wrong, then that's what you have to do. God sees what's happening and knows what you're doing is hard.

-bRob

The Gift of Community

It is true, of course, that what is an unspeakable gift of God for the lonely individual is easily disregarded and trodden under foot by those who have the gift every day. It is easily forgotten that the fellowship of Christian brethren is a gift of grace, a gift of the Kingdom of God that any day may be taken from us, that the time that still separates us from utter loneliness may be brief indeed. Therefore, let him who until now has had the privilege of living in common Christian life with other Christians praise God’s grace from the bottom of his heart. Let him thank God on his knees and declare: It is grace, nothing but grace, that we are allowed to live in community with Christian brethren.

- Bonhoeffer, Life Together

Having chosen to follow Christ later in life means it is sometimes difficult to find community - I have a lot of friends who don't share these beliefs that I hold dear. While I treasure each and every precious friend, beliefs aside, Christians need to fellowship with other believers.  There have been seasons where there simply wasn't a whole lot of community around me, and then there have been seasons where I willfully rejected community. Both hurt.


A member of my old church posted this passage the other day. Community is a precious gift, and I hope we never take it lightly.

-bRob

When You and God are not Gravy

    A couple of weeks ago, I was angry at God.  And I was ashamed to admit it. I was ashamed to say that I didn’t want anything to do with Him, that I wanted things to be different, that I was bitter and hurting . I don’t really know people who say things like that – not wanting God or being angry with Him. And that must mean I am really really messed up.

  

  However, a few days later, a sister in Christ confessed that she had not been “feeling God” lately. Disappointed, frustrated, and confused, she, too, was not feeling super-Jesusy either.

    

And that made me think. It’s not just me, then? Other people feel this way too, sometimes? 

YES.  Apparently, I'm not the only one who needs a little help [we all do].That is not at ALL to say it’s right. Odds are [and when I say the odds are, I really mean it is 100% certain that], when you and God aren’t gelling, fault lies with you (see Genesis 4:6-7, for example).

But what then? Obviously this is not an ideal situation…

First and foremost, how on earth can I ever be an effective witness if I’m not sure I feel or even want God?  And then I thought about the fairest question anyone could ask:

 “Why do you continue to do something if it hurts?”

Good question.

“Because I know it’s right.”  I knew my answer instantly.  I do not worship God because it is always super comfortable, or because it’s so cool, or because I like the awesome F.R.O.G. bracelets they hand out on retreats. 

To quote my man Clive: “"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth."

No matter what emotional state I was in when the Lord found me, it is by reason and logic and my desire for Truth that I continue to choose God.  I know without a doubt that He loves the dickens out of me and that I cannot live without Him, or at least not live well.

But still another question haunted me – If I do not feel God, and at the moment I’m not sure I want Him, but I know He is what I need, what do I do?

    This is where it gets hard. When you are angry at or disappointed in God, chances are talking to Him is the last thing you want to do.

    But when you are angry at a Divine Being – chances are also that He is the only one who can help you out of your angry/hurting/disappointment pickle. You need to talk to Him more in these moments than ever.  Tell Him the truth – that you are angry, that you have nothing to offer Him, that you don’t want to do what He is asking of you. I don’t believe He wants you to fake the happiness that isn’t there.

I promise you, even if your prayer is the meagerest [not a word], most pitiful and maybe even angry prayer, and even if you read His word with tears dripping all over the page, He knows that you are trying. And He is proud of you for that.

And He will heal you.

He’s done it for me many, many times. And I don’t mean over the course of a bazillion months -He began working then and there. When God wants you to know He loves you, He will not stop until you know. [Ex: He died for you.]

I suppose the real question I want to address here is “How do I love God when I do not feel any love within me?”

Always remember that when you cannot love in any other way, obedience counts as love.

And this is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, that you should walk in it. 

- 2 John 1:6

Talk to God and read His Word.  He wants to talk to you too.

Did I just lure you in with an artsy picture and then make you read this entire thing before you get to see it?
Shame on me.

-bRob

PS - Blogger is on strike and ignoring all of my formatting. BOOOOOOO.

Even to the End of the Age

amazon [obvi]

Instead of mindlessly browsing the InterWebs for a couple more hours last night, I decided to actually pick up this book I've been reading. It's the true story of a middle-aged Muslim woman who begins interacting with the living God.

As God begins calling her, she begins desperately seeking Truth, scouring both the Quran and the Bible for the true God. As He reveals Himself to her in undeniable [amazing] ways, she realizes she must choose whether or not to serve the God who is calling her. But in a culture that values tradition and "the faith," she faces certain ostracism, the loss of custody of her grandson [as she would be deemed an unfit guardian upon her conversion to Christianity], and potential death [apostasy].

But, with a genuinely divine understanding of the Scripture, she realizes that this relationship with the LORD is more important than these costs. Thus blossoms a desperately beautiful relationship. Her fervent worship and thirst for His Word and His presence are so...genuine. And I found myself becoming strangely jealous of this woman - of her desire to learn and serve Him and, as she phrases it, stay within His Glory.

You see, at least to the rest of America, becoming a Christian is no big deal. We have no idea how revolutionary it is to call the Creator of the Universe FATHER. Do you realize, in the Islamic culture, that bringing God to our level in that way is absolutely absurd? It's unheard of! I remember having a discussion with a Muslim friend, and when I referred to God as my Father, he looked at me, stopped walking, and said, "We would never refer to Allah as our father." And I imagine the disciples were equally as shocked when Jesus taught them to pray by opening, "Our Father..."

In our accepting and lukewarm culture, we've lost the novelty, the gift of this relationship. And I sat there, jealous of this woman's desperation, and jealous that I am not nearly as thirsty for His presence or as sensitive to the Spirit. How I long to be so aware of His Presence and as heartbroken when I grieve Him!

And I want my Christianity to mean more. As immature as this sounds, I want my spiritual battles to be bigger. I want to fight more than just ennui to strengthen my faith and pursue the LORD.

And then the LORD brought this verse to mind:

"He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much." 

- Luke 16:10

I am like a little kid begging his dad to send him to battle, yet I don't even know how to wield a sword. And this verse brought me such peace. Maybe one day I'll fight larger, more glamorous battles, but first, I need to fight the battles before me well, small though they may seem. Read my Bible without fail [seek ye first the Kingdom], treat my obnoxious siblings with respect, practice patience and humility, though I wish some things were different right now.

But I couldn't help wishing that I still felt God's presence as vibrantly and strongly as the Bilquis Sheikh. And as I sat there wondering why God chose to reach her in one way, in a way I longed for, suddenly He was there. More there than I can describe. 

Tears just began flowing freely. I wish I could say I don't cry very often, but that would be a colossal lie. I can honestly tell you, however, that I resist crying with all my might - I'm not a huge fan of tears. 

 Some of these tears were tears of sadness, and some of frustration, as my summer has not gone according to plan. But most of them were just...inexplicable. I think they were a result of being so overwhelmed. I was surrounded by Him: Jesus beside me, the Spirit within me, the Father around me.

And as I lay in bed, I began begging God to never leave me, with the same earnestness as Bilquis had. I fell asleep last night with the following verse running again and again through my head:

And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

-Matthew 28:20

being honest

 When I sat down today for my usual procrastination blog, this wasn't what I had planned on posting. It just kind of came out.

I had a really strange experience today. I had to present my term project for this graduate course I'm in, and I went in feeling marginally confident. And then I saw everyone else's work. It was ten times better, seven times more functional, and 22.3 times cooler. Ok, it wasn't actually cool. We had to grade each others' projects, and I about gave one group a really bad score just because I was hungry and they kept talking on and on and I'd lost interest 2 minutes into their presentation. Anyways - as I watched all these project demonstrations far more elegant than mine, I started schlunking way down in my seat. I'm not used to bottoming out.

And then I began to feel self-conscious...but truth be told, it wasn't just about my project. Out of a class of about 25, I am one of three girls. Out of a class of 25, I am one of three American students. Out of a class of about 25, I am the only American girl. 

Never before have I felt so self-conscious about being American and female. I'm used to being the oddball female in an engineering class. And generally I play it up and go all, "anything he can do I can do better because I'm high on flower power!" or something.

But I suddenly began to wonder if everyone would think I'm stupid because I'm American. Would anyone take me seriously? I was even wearing a skirt. Did they judge me for that? I am also the youngest student in the class. And the thing of it is, maybe I wouldn't have felt so self-conscious if I'd had a flashier project.

But ... why did I feel the need to validate my nationality and gender and age by having the sweetest project in the class? And what does it mean that I failed? And since when have stereotypes affected my self-image?


a little brutal bit of truth: I want to be the best. Especially because I'm a girl in a sea full of boys. Especially when I'm the one outsider in the class.  If that's the case, I feel like I have to fight that much harder. To prove something. To whom? To myself? To everyone else?

How broken is that? 

I think it must hurt God when I start to try and "prove" myself. I don't know much about kid-lings, but I guess, if  imagined having my own little daughter, it would hurt me a lot to know that she saw herself in that way: as if she had to prove herself. As if she needed to be better than what she is by performing well. And I think I would probably throw myself at her feet and beg her to stop because she never needs to do that and she is loved whether or not she ever does anything great or perfect or awful.

And knowing the little I know about God, I am pretty sure He wants me to know the same thing.

 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is His love for those who fear Him;
      as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has He removed our transgressions from us.  

As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.

 

-Psalm 103: 12 - 13

 



-bRob
 

Redemption

Luke 23:54-62
Having arrested Him, they led Him away and brought Him to the  house of the high priest; but Peter was following at a distance.

After they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and had sat down together, Peter was sitting among them. And a servant-girl, seeing him as he sat in the firelight and looking intently at him said, "This man was with Him too."

But he denied it, saying, "Woman, I do not know Him."

A little later, another saw him and said, "You are one of them too!" But Peter said, "Man, I am not!"

After about an hour had passed, another man began to insist, saying, "Certainly this man also was with Him, for he is a Galilean too."

But Peter said, "Man, I do not know what you are talking about." Immediately, while he was still speaking, a rooster crowed.

The Lord turned and looked at Peter, and Peter remembered the world of the Lord, knowing He had told him, "Before a rooster crows today, you will deny Me three times." 


And he went out and wept bitterly.


John 21:15-17 [Jesus has been resurrected]


So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Tend my lambs."

He said to him again a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Shepherd My sheep."

He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, "Do you love Me?" And he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You." Jesus said to him, "Tend my Sheep."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know how to say anything worthy of commemorating the Lord's resurrection. I pray for humility to understand how desperately I need Him, His death, and His conquering of our sins.

So instead I share with you this beautiful redemption. For each time Peter denied Him, Jesus gave Peter the chance to speak his love. And He didn't do it to get an apology, He did it for Peter. He loved Peter and wanted to heal him and forgive him. This perfect example of forgiveness and love melts me.

Jesus does that. He takes our broken selves, forgives each and every one of our messy sins, and calls us to join His kingdom. Despite our denials, mistakes, and brokenness, He wants us to join Him. He came that all might be saved.

This, then, is love.

John 15:13
"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."

-bRob

A Lifetime Supply of Bread

Give us this day our daily bread.

via Replacements, Ltd.

I'm guessing you know that this is from the Bible. In fact, since most of my readers are friends who got bored on facebook and accidentally clicked on the link landing here, you're probably definitely from the Bible belt. Which means that you have The Lord's Prayer either cross-stitched on a pillow or next to a picture of a little blonde-haired androgynous Precious Moments toddler kneeling beside a bed on a ceramic picture frame.

.

But I think we often miss the significance of this prayer because we've heard it so much. Context: The disciples ask Jesus how to teach them how to pray, and Jesus absolutely rocks their world with a lot of the stuff that goes down in the Lord's Prayer. But for now, I want us to really think about what it means to pray for daily bread.

It's easy to become overwhelmed and daunted by the road that lies before us. Especially when I'm struggling - all I can think about is how hard things will be in the future. How I might fail again. How much it's going to hurt if this or that happens.

Truth be told, sometimes it's all one can do to get through today; tomorrow's too much to think about.

So instead of worrying about tomorrow's failures/blessings/struggles/heartbreaks/challenges, focus on today.   No one ever prays for a lifetime supply of bread. You know why? Because that's not what Jesus tells us to do - He prayed for daily bread - just enough to get through this day.

And this isn't just New Testament stuff. It's pretty Old School too. Go check out Exodus 16. God literally rained down food from heaven for His Israelites. Every morning they would go gather enough for that day. However, when they began to get greedy, when they began to worry about tomorrow's portion, when they began to overgather - the food spoiled and was garnished with maggots.

Get it? The God who provided for you today, will He not provide for you tomorrow? Do not worry about tomorrow, for each day has enough goin' on. (Matthew 6:34 - bRob parahprase). That's part of faith.

You may not know how you're going to handle something in the future. You may be scared as all get-out about what comes next. Maybe you barely have the strength to deal with your current situation. But the Lord's made it clear that for right now, you just need to get through today.

Pray for the strength, grace, and courage for this day's trials. And do it again tomorrow. And that's how we'll get through - not by freaking out about the future, but by glorifying God in how we handle today.


I can't decide whether or not taking it one day at a time is a relief or a challenge. I think it's both.

-bRob

patiently waiting

Hey InterWebs. You're looking particularly cyber-tastic today. It's been a while since I've done a truth nugget post, but it is certainly time.

  
     Last week I started re-reading through Genesis and read about Abraham (Father Abraham? He had many sons? Remember?). On the off-chance you haven't been raised in the Bible Belt and aren't familiar with the little song I just referenced, Abraham was a righteous man who wanted descendants. Lots and lots of descendants to carry on his family line. Now, that is something with which I really can't identify ...in fact, little kid-lings are probably as far from what I desire as ... I don't know, something extremely hyperbolic. 

    

      But for whatever reason, that's what Abraham really wanted. And God promised Him children. He reminded Abraham repeatedly in Genesis 12 - 21 that He would bless Him with descendants more numerous than the stars of the sky. God told Abraham year after year that He wanted to fulfill His plan for Abe. And trust me, Abraham and Sarah were not the most patient of people. Throughout their waiting period, they laughed at God, they messed up, they tried to circumvent His will (see chapter 16. That is some old school Jerry Springer sort of stuff).

     But for the first time (I don't know why it took me this long...), I suddenly wondered why? Why did God wait SO long to bring Abraham a son? Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was finally born. 100. 

     Can you imagine? Wanting something so badly, having your heart so set on one thing, and then just...waiting? I wonder how frustrated Abraham must've been. How angry and hurt and skeptical. I think we can all sympathize with the agony of a dream deferred. It's hard. We want so passionately the things we desire, and to be told "not yet" is one of the hardest things we can hear.

      I begin to wonder why God chose to wait to fulfill His promise. But I have learned, over the past year and a half of my walk with the Lord, that His timing is everything. Though it must have been so hard for Abraham to wait, we can trust that the Lord used that time to work in Abraham. Maybe He wanted Abraham to grow up a little bit. Perhaps He wanted to refine Sarah and Abe so that they would be better parents and leaders. Maybe He chose to wait until Sarah and Abraham were finally done laughing (18:13). We don't know. 

  We do know that God has us wait because it is in our best interest. God loves to lavish us with gifts (Luke 9:11-13), and in His wisdom He knows best what we need and when we need it. Sometimes part of the blessing are the trials and growth required to receive it.

It isn't always easy, but look how Abraham's family flourished! God promises that He wants to prosper us, and I hope we have the good grace to wait on His promise, even when it requires every last ounce of the patience we never thought we had.

-bRob

Concrete Prayer

Recently I've discovered the power of praying for specific things. In a book I recently read by Sproul, Does Prayer Change Things?, the author describes how the vague prayer can debilitate our prayer life:

"We pray in vague generalities. When all our prayers are either vague or universal in scope, it is difficult for us to experience the exhilaration that goes with clear and obvious answers to prayer...Having a broad scope of interest in prayer is not wrong, but if all prayer is so general, then no prayer will have specific and concrete application."
- R.C. Sproul

I was pretty angry with God for the way some situations had gone down a couple of weeks ago, and I shared this in prayer group - I told them I was angry and bitter about certain situations and having a hard time talking to the Lord about it. When the prayer for spiritual healing wasn't answered within a week, when I sat down and prayed and spent time with the Lord and I wasn't instantly better.... I grew even angrier. Seriously - was God not going to honor my request for a peaceful spirit not warring with my Creator?

I continued reading the Word, despite my frustrations, and sure enough, the Lord cleared some things up with me.But it wasn't until I came back to school that I noticed I wasn't angry anymore. It happened gradually, but God restored me. And, out of curiosity, I spoke with my friend, a sweet prayer warrior from my group to see if she'd continued praying for me. She said she had specifically thought of me during a sermon and lifted my angry self up in prayer.

Prayer works. Specific concrete prayer for the things that seem unchangeable works. I am currently challenging myself not just to pray for "wisdom for so-and so" and "trust in suffering" and whatnot, but for specific everyday situations - focus during studying, guidance in conversations with various people, etc.

I wish we could all sit here and glorify God by sharing how He has answered our prayers and also encourage one another to fight the good fight and pray continuously. I hope that you, whoever you are, are seeing the Lord answer prayers in His sovereignty.

And in that same vein of thought -
I encourage everyone to be praying for Japan - for the people, for the government, for the world - that all would see and recognize and depend on the Lord's movement through this difficult time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Like I did with the picture/colorful post, I will start tagging these sorts of posts. I will be tagging them truth nugget, as they are generally my reflections on the Lord's work in my life - little morsels of the Truth in my life. I'll go back into the archives and tag the older ones at some point as well. If you want to filter these sorts of posts, you can go down to my tags at the bottom of the page and click truth nugget to find them.

-bRob

Two Monks and an Olive Sapling

    In light of yesterday's post, InterWebs, about entrusting [I'm STILL not merriam-webstering it for you], I thought this parable I read today was pretty on spot. 


And since there is no literary device the Christian loves so well as the extended analogy/parable, I figured I'd share it with you.

"I need oil," said an ancient monk, so he planted an olive sapling. "Lord," he prayed, "it needs rain that its tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers. "Lord," prayed the monk, "my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray Thee." And the sun shone, gilding the dripping clouds. "Now frost, my Lord, to brace its tissues," cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frost, but at evening it died.

     Then the monk sought the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. "I, too, planted a little tree," he said, "and see! It thrives well. But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better what it needs than a man like me. I laid no condition. I fixed not ways or means. "Lord, send what it needs," I prayed, "storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. Thou hast made it and Thou dost know."

Olive sapling on a Palestinian coin

---------------------------------------------------------------

Entrust-ingmentation?

Do you ever do that, InterWebs? Just keep adding suffixes to a word until it sounds right-er? I do. Obvs.

Anyways - I wanted to write a post about entrusting. And I thought about employing that wonderfully over-used device in which I look up the dictionary definition of "entrust" and put it in bold, italics, and all caps at the beginning of this post, centered, of course, so you would sit there and ruminate on the Merriam-Webster version of entrust (which, btw, is "to commit to another with confidence"...oops, I caved!). But I mostly avoided this cliche, if only because I think it's kind of corny. Still - focus on the word entrust.

   Have you ever suffered? Clearly, this is probably a really stupid question with a fairly obvious answer. Of course you have. We live in a broken world where pain exists and things hurt sometimes. But how do you handle it?

I was dealing with my own suffering the other day, and I wanted tangible advice - what is it we're supposed to do when we cannot get past our pain? Tons of people will tell you tons of things about dealing with suffering. "Give it up to God." "Let it go." "Deal with it." [<<< that's what the less nurturing people might say.... that, or "Yeah, that really sucks." My friends could stand to be a little more encouraging. hah.]
    And if you're anything like me, half the time you'll roll your eyes and give a curt but polite thank-you and then continue to dwell on how difficult your life is. 

    The fallacy lies in the assumption that one simple action, pattern of thought, or prayer will always eliminate suffering. As if it is a one-time thing.. But that's not always the way it works. What happens, when, the day after you've given your hurt up to the Father, it still hurts? The thorn in your side still remains?
Maybe, if you're prone to melodrama, like me, you'll find yourself in the throes of despair.

But I feel like the Lord, who knows our hearts, has to have words for those of us who suffer? Truths that will get us through the long-haul, not a cute quick-fix pick-me-up that might get you through the day.
And I was flipping  through the pages of my Bible, the Lord directed me to a passage about His Son.

"...and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously."
- 1 Peter 2:23

I seriously doubt you or I have suffered at the same magnitude as Jesus Christ. In fact, my definition of "suffering" is probably pretty pitiful outside of safe and comfortable suburbia. But Jesus is our supreme example for how we should act, yes? So, if this is His response to suffering, are we called to anything less?

Peter makes it clear that entrusting is not a one-time thing, but a habit. KEEP entrusting.

And to whom? To Him who judges righteously.

So then, it's a daily thing. Keep entrusting. Keep committing your situation to the Father. When you're sick of it, when you're tired, when you're burnt out, habitually entrust. Entrust daily - pray it each day, or maybe each hour, if that's what you need to do. And remember that you are NOT entrusting to just anyone. But rather Him who judges righteously, fairly, justly.

-bRob