Where'd You Go, Bernadette and the Art of the bRob Book Review

I adore book reviews. I honestly enjoy reading book reviews more than reading actual books, which is probably a shame, but I can't bring myself to feel too badly about it. I've always wanted write book reviews on this site but haven't had a clue where to start, and also I'm terrible at reviews. That said, if I had to be so bold, I would propose that the first step to writing any solid book review is maybe reading the book. (I'm going to give you a moment to take in that overwhelming knowledge bomb.)

...

Though studying for the GREs is a legitimate excuse for holding off on pleasure reading (that's what my parents always called non-school/work reading, though it sounds a little weird if you ask me), sometimes it's a struggle for me to actually get back into the habit of reading books. After all, Twin Peaks is on Netflix and also naps.

But I think the root of this reluctance to read may also be a form of perfectionism. A diligent reader would use her time to read something meaningful, right? So I should probably start by reading The Grapes of Wrath or A Brief History of Time or some sort of self-help book about meditation and not being so late all the time. The thing of it is, I'm learning that if I wait until I'm ready to read the "right", best book, I'm probably going to turn on my laptop and goof around.

This is where the Quick Win enters the scene. A Quick Win is any easy task on your To-Do list. You complete it, and suddenly, before you know it, you've done an entire thing! Theoretically you will use this accomplishment as a catalyst for working on bigger, badder things, and soon you will probably be an Expert Doer of Things. The concept applies similarly to books. Whenever I find that I am reluctant to jump back into reading, I start with something simple - brain candy, vacation reads, and then maybe next week I'll move on to Faulkner (hah. HAH.).

This week's Quick Win is Where'd You Go, Bernadette. I've noticed this book at Target time and time again, which means it must have mass appeal and be generally entertaining. I toyed with the idea of buying it, but buying books brand new often leaves me with a "Shouldn't Have Bought That" hangover that can last for weeks, so I typically just avoid all bookstores and head towards the thrift store a few blocks from my apartment.

It's kind of a hodgepodge in there, and at any given time the the thrift store has less than one hundred books. You essentially go there to get lucky, not to find anything in particular. Fortunately for me, I've been extremely lucky. I found The Book Thief for twenty-five cents (I think I use the word 'cents' about three times a year because nothing costs so little anymore) and a brand new hardback copy of Where'd You Go, Bernadette for only ninety-nine cents! And I also found a huge embroidered flower still life for only five dollars, if that is a thing that is of interest to you.

via

Where'd You Go, Bernadette is the book that has finally convinced me I do not enjoy the epistolary style; it is written as a series of correspondences between different characters in the novel, some of whom, quite frankly, are colossal tools.

I dislike book reviews that simply rehash the entire plot of the novel, so, at a high level, this book is about a family of odd-balls, some of whom have their acts more together than others. The family members are at times disappointing and at others wholly endearing.

The first third of the book focuses on Bernadette's general instability, the cruelty of her peers, and a family slowly unraveling. In the interest of full disclosure, I hated her predicament so much that, combined with all the cheesy emails and letters, I almost stopped reading the book. But, being that I was on a business trip and hadn't packed any other books (rare) and also MY MOMMA DIDNT RAISE NO QUITTER, I rallied and continued.

By the halfway mark I was so infuriated at the "gnats" (Bernadette's sworn enemies) that I simply had to keep reading, primarily in hopes of a resolution. Good always wins, and all that. If writing is able to anger you to the point where you are ready to physically fight the author, I suppose it's not a bad book and Maria Semple probably knows what she's doing.

Happy Endings via 

WYG,B officially suckered me in when team Bernadette made their way (spoiler alert) to Antarctica. There's nothing more sublime than a book that makes me want to travel, and if a book can convince me I should spend $30,000 dollars to go visit the godforsaken wasteland that is the Antarctic, well, then that Semple has officially earned 3 out of 5 stars. Technically I would give the book 3.5 out of 5 stars, but Goodreads doesn't let you give half stars, and I round down because I'm mean.

Now the fun part: A Giveaway!

Since I got this book on the cheapety-cheap and would generally recommend it as a Quick Win read, I would like to give you, dear reader, the opportunity to win my copy of the book. All you have to do to enter is comment on this post with a book you've read or are planning to read with a one- to two-sentence synopsis by 6/5/15. I will research all book recommendations and pick my favorite as the winner. I'll then mail you the book within the next week or so.

Sound kosher?

Happy Reading,

bRob

bRob the Romantic

Hi Webs -

I don't want you to feel sorry for me or anything but i did write this on Valentine's evening from the inside of an airport hotel room that smelled vaguely of oldness. I trust you're grateful I spared you all my Valentine's Day whinging on Valentine's Day proper, because that's the kind of thoughtful person I sometimes accidentally am.

As the snowpocalypse reigned supreme over in NC, my red-eye flight was delayed and I finally groveled my way into a ticket on Saturday morning.

via imgur

Which, if you do the math, leaves me in my airport hotel over Valentine's day. Being single on Valentine's Day is obviously not the most fun way to spend a holiday devoted to romance, and sitting alone in a hotel room spilling an ungodly amount of Thai food  (the lady offered me three sets of utensils. I'd probably find that amusing if it weren't such a cliche) all over the bed kind of exacerbates the whole ordeal.



After a lot of that ^^^ and about 3 hours of this  on repeat and just general all around self-pitying, I decided the best thing I could do to cheer myself up is to give back; giving back is so rewarding. Or so I've read.

In that generous spirit I have compiled some free romantic advice loosely based on a date I may or may not have had with Office Pervert, formerly know as OC for those who have followed along religiously.

How to Romance the Ladies, Probably

by bRob

1)  Practice saying "You look good" in a way that doesn't make me think you might have ladies' body parts stashed in your basement.

2) If a restaurant serves wine in a plastic glass, I promise you don't need to swirl and sniff before delicately sipping. That wine most definitely came from Wal-Mart.

3) Maybe don't hype up and make reservations for a restaurant that serves wine in a plastic glass.

4) Don't take me somewhere where your friend works and is going to make lewd gestures and point every time I turn around.

5) Also, if a girl does not seem to appreciate you staring at her chest, and if she's told you to stop grabbing/stroking her upper thigh ten times, the next best thing to do is not to grab her butt and yell "goosed you!"

It's my fault, really. I should have punched him the ninth time he grabbed my thigh.

6) Collecting pinball tables in your living room is not impressive. It's embarrassing and seriously makes me question your financial sense. And your sense in general. HOW old are you?

yeah no, not interested in seeing pictures.

stop texting me.

7) You: "What kind of Christian are you?"
Your gorgeous date: "Uh I guess I was raised Southern Baptist?"
You: "You might find this interesting. I'm going to the Vatican this summer."

Don't say that.

8) Did you just bring up marriage within a week of meeting me?

9) Know your strengths. If you take a sophisticated lady to an improv show, and if you aren't actually on stage, you are not a comedian. I cannot emphasize that enough. Do not try to be louder than the comedians. Do not get jealous and pout when I laugh at the comedians. They are funny. You are not. Deal.

10)  Because hope springs eternal and because i am a romantic at heart, i leave you with what highschool bRob considered the height of romance. Tip number 10 - just do this.

Oh, and here's one for the ladies: Drive yourselves. So important to have an escape plan.

I hope you feel a little loved today.

-bRob

California Road Trip: Monterey & Carmel

So I don't know if you're as obsessed with my comings and goings as I like to think you are, InterWebs, but my little sister and I are currently on a California road trip.

Let me tell you how WEIRD it is to go on a vacation as an adult. I spent the first three days of vacation agonizing about this report I'd done for work and whether or not people knew where to reach me in case of some catastrophic work emergency, like, does anyone know what bRob renamed that one stupid file? and then i anxiously bit my nails and waited for people to send emails back and forth going, ugh bRob is the worst how could she leave us in the middle of this project OR ugh bRob is the worst thank heavens she's gone. But apparently no one's sent that email yet or they've just forgotten to 'cc' me.

Paranoia aside, I figured I might chronicle some of our travelings across southern California (you'll note that I refrained from calling it SoCal, and for your sake, will continue to do so), so at the very least, Grandma won't be so worried about whether or not we've been kidnapped by hippies and whether or not we're staying hydrated (we aren't).

It should be noted I put WAY too much faith in my phone camera. I kind of gave up using my camera camera, because it doesn't always get colors right, but apparently once you expand a phone photo to larger than 2 pixels, it looks like someone drew it with a crayon. And what i mean by that is why is my phone camera so blurry...

Day 1: Monterey & Carmel-By-The Sea

I was a little disappointed in Monterey. While the aquarium was lovely, the town itself was a bit of a drip. I did find a great used bookstore, much to Marena's disappointment. And then, in addition to the eight books I brought with me, I bought two more used books. About dragons. Whatever, I go through weird phases when I'm on vacation. 

[Number of books purchased: 2. This will be an ongoing count throughout the roadtrip.]

Without further ado, I present: the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

It blew my mind a little bit that this is what sand dollars (a sand dollar colony?) actually look like when they're not dead and on your Christmas tree. 

This little buddy was a bit of a camera hog. Baby Turtle was dallying and dancing right in front of the glass and this was the best photo I could capture. Typical.

An angel seahorse. That's not what it's officially called, but that's what I would call it if someone bothered to ask me my opinion.

This picture, in case you can't make it out, is the picture of a dwarf seahorse. As if seahorses weren't cute enough. My sister's finger for scale.

These are jellyfish. Can you believe it. Also - you should probably be super grateful, I've spared you, no joke, 37 mediocre blurry jellyfish pictures right now.

An overly attentive aquarium worker trapped us for 15 minutes to tell us about all the birds surrounding the aquariums. the BIRDS. Not only am I an introvert who doesn't like to be trapped in conversation, but I especially don't super want to be trapped in a conversation about birds. So I asked him to take a picture so he'd stop talking and then tried to escape like 3 more times.

color me hilarious.

This next series of photographs is from Carmel-By-The-Sea. They sure don't do the place any justice, but I am in LOVE with Carmel. It reminds me a lot of the Hamptons. It's absolutely gorgeous, on the ocean, romantic, quiet, and a lot of delusional rich people live there. And the window displays are to die for.  

Obviously you can't see because 70% of this picture is road, but Carmel has amazing, beautiful houses. Glamorous, modern, etc. All on the edge of the ocean (that is too cold to swim in, might i add) with these giant trees shading them. 

I don't even know what these are but I like them.

This display was really gorgeous but you know me and my photography skills...

That dress is probably my soul mate.

Skinny [and delusionally rich] bRob would wear the HECK out of this outfit.

I mean how adorable...

And of course there is a store devoted to mermaid paraphernalia. 

Add one cup of hot chocolate and about 3 hours of driving and I think you've got a healthy idea of our first day in southern California.

love,

bRob

Maui

Note: None of these pictures are in any sort of order and probably this post is nonsensical because I'm out of practice. 

Hey-o.

The other week, because I was slated to work remotely, and because I've been out on the west coast for work, working from Hawaii seemed like a good alternative to working from North Carolina. And working from Hawaii went about as well as you'd expect. Unless you the reader are a coworker, in which case it was super productive, probably the most productive week of my life.

that dumb guy's head

I stayed at this incredibly weird hostel right on the beach above. The hostel wasn't that weird, but there were NO other travelers there. And when you're a single traveler that's kind of lame. And the guy who ran the hostel was a little...curmudgeon-y. But he had a buddy, Andy, who went hiking with me and took me and some of the hostel-ers down the road on the Road to Hana.

I went snorkeling here - Honolua Bay

Andy and I decided to go hiking at Waihee Ridge Trail. This hiking trip will forever be known as the trip where I put too much faith in my Chacos, and I'd like to say that even though it was a hard hike that tested my physical abilities and really challenged the number of post- [...and pre-]dinner cookies I consume on the regular, the hike up Waihee Ridge Trail was worth it.

But 2.5 miles straight uphill later...

...I'm not sure it was. 

This was my view. After one of the most strenuous hikes of my life.

I mean sure I built personal character or some nonsense like that, but then I almost died 37 times on the way down because Chacos do not have great traction when you are climbing straight down a narrow little trail and my butt was COVERED in mud because after falling a lot I eventually ended up just booty-scooting down half the da*n mountain.

Not pictured: the mud plastered all over my legs...and butt.

I WILL have you know that the only other people I saw go all the way up the trail were really tiny fitness gurus in spandex. I'm basically a hero for all marginally chubby people in Maui.

The fog was so thick that it made me a little claustrophobic.

One of approximately 2 pictures I took on the Road to Hana. This guy from Spain is supposed to email me more pictures and if he ever remembers I'll post them but in the meantime I'm sure you can just google Hana.

I went to the aquarium because I'm kind of addicted to them and I saw what may be the world's ugliest fish, bless his heart. 

A beautiful seahorse. 

This was not at the aquarium but candidly I do not remember where it is.

On the Road to Hana picture #2

Working from Maui meant that I occasionally had to get up for meetings at 4am. And by occasionally I mean pretty much almost every day. And the ornery hostel cat threw a fit and wanted to come cuddle and be annoying every morning when I was trying to get work done, which apparently tuckered him out.

Luckily the island boasts some delicious local coffee. BTW - the local coffee shop people asked me if I lived on the island. Lord knows how but apparently I fit in in Maui, because at least two other people asked the same thing. 

Iao Valley and one of the less embarrassing photos from my trip unless you find selfies embarrassing in which case I should probably delete this but I won't. 

I went to the Maui Swap Meet on one of my last days on the island. You'll note all the freckles from 10 days of constant sunshine (eat it, San Fran). Not pictured is the oozing, flaking, purple-y red sunburn that hurt like sin for ten days after the ten days on the island.

Anyways, back to the swap meet...I wanted to get local gifts for everybody. While perusing the stalls, I strolled by a ukulele booth. I stopped and chatted and asked how much this little buddy was. "$99".

I walked off.

And then turned around, spent an hour playing all the ukuleles, and ended up buying him. I didn't forget everyone else and I got them some funky fresh souveneirs. Of course, cool as these gifts were, none of them are quit as fun as an uke.

So, long story short, Maui was fun. I wish I had more pictures from the Road to Hana - so many of the sites were beautiful and romantic and unbelievably otherworldly. Especially the Red Sands Beach. There was this secluded little alcove with teal water and dark red sand and I spent a full thirty minutes pretending to be the Little Mermaid in that thing. Which was ok because Maui is currently not that crowded so not too many people minded the charismatic display.

Truthfully - I probably wouldn't go back to Maui. I'm sorry to say that there isn't a lot of local culture on the island, and I am not much of a beach bum ( see: Sunburn rant). It was gorgeous and I saw amazing sights, but there are so many cultures and places to explore and if I'm supposed to explore them all in this lifetime then I had better keep on rolling. But I'm glad I went and I'm glad my sunburn is healed and I'm glad I have a ukulele.

Aloha, friend.

-bRob

WallyD's taste of Alaska

Editor/producer/head writer/founder/upkeeper's note: Waldorf wanted to do his own post. So I let him. 

Hallo, meine Damen und Herren -

eet ees tru dat dees past veek or zo i travelled to the byoot-i-vul land oaf Alazka.

heer ees dees veek in pickchurz. furgive mein terrzibull eenglitch.

Grandma's haus. pickchas of leetil bRob

meine virst Morgen in Alaska

ve vent in a leetil plane to see da animalz.

i flew dees plane, beecuz i var so gut behaved and gut flyer.

"clam strips" - schmeckt lecker

 RAWR das baer

a leetil haus fuer a leetil boy

a beaver dam in denali

i am dee size oaf Alaska! hee

RAWR das baer

das pipeline

da state bird oaf alaska

ve var on a boat and eet vas colt

sehr colt

  

das aquarium wit das fishes

ja

vas deelishus

ugly ducklings at da zoo

 ok. dat ees all.

-Waldorf