The Dos and Don'ts of Waking bRob Up in the Morning

DO NOT:

10. Steal my pillow and start hitting me with it.


9. Rattle plastic bags for five minutes straight.


The Hulk in me will be awakened and I will

rip...

that...

bag...

to pieces.

with my brute strength.

8. Use animals.


Don't throw the dog's ball on my bed and tell him to jump on me. Also don't place the cat on my head.


7. Pound on my wall as loudly as possible until you elicit a response.


6. Sing loud obnoxious songs at me.


I don't care if the word "sunshine" is in the song.


5. Jump on me and my bed.


Whhhhhhy?


4. Start shredding papers with the extremely loud paper shredder right outside my doorway.

not ok.

3. Communicate with everyone who is already awake by yelling from across the house.


I can hear you too.


2. Pour water and ice on me.


1. Walk in and start having a conversation with me.


If you wish to engage me in conversation, I promise you the time for the conversation is not while I'm wrapped up, burrito-style, in my covers. At best, I will politely ask you to re-initiate the conversation at a later point in time. And then you'll be offended, and then we'll both just feel bad.

These have all happened. All of them.

.

someone woke me up from a nap before i was ready.

Now, before you wake me up, sit back and evaluate the following things:
- Is it after 9am?
- Can "this" wait for one more hour? 
- Have you already made coffee?
**It will only exacerbate the situation of you've made coffee, but not enough for me.




If you must wake me up, you may:


2. Come in and scratch my back gently while softly saying my name and complimenting me in a sing-song voice. 

1. Quietly cook something really delicious and have the soothing aroma waft into my room and tickle my nostrils awake..

I thought I would have more, but no, those are really the only acceptable ways to wake me up.


Also, in case you were wondering, for the first hour and a half after I wake up:
- no eye contact
- no loud noises
- no talking directly to me at all
- grunting is the only acceptable form of communication


This list of rules may have earned me the nickname "the Neanderthal" when I was hosteling in Germany a few years ago.
-bRob

10 Steps To Surviving Life at Home With Your Parents

So you're living at home, are you? Maybe you can't afford your rent, maybe you forgot to apply for a job, maybe the German government is really slow to process your work permit. Fear not, there is no judgment here.

However, during this uncomfortable and uninspiring period of your life, you may find your self-esteem is a little lower than usual.

Here are some simple steps to avoiding your imminent downward spiral into hopeless, sloppy, pathetic-dom.

1. Do not stop shaving.

 Girls - it may be tempting to give up on your appearance, but, trust me, when you get to the gym and realize your leg hairs are poking the person on the treadmill next to you, it will not help you feel great about yourself. And since you'll probably need a machete at that point, and since your parents probably don't have one, you'll have to resort to braiding your leg hair.

Which I've heard isn't super attractive.

And guys - quit finding excuses to grow tons and tons of facial hair. Between all the No-Shave Novembers and Mustached Mays, girls are ready to give up on your kind as a whole.

2. Do not develop an unhealthy addiction to your fanny pack.


I know it's tempting. Fanny packs are so convenient...but this is a slippery slope. First you wear your pack on a camping trip, then while walking your dog [it is super perfect for holding empty doggie poo bags], and then you're wearing it to pick up your sister from the mall.

it seemed like a good idea at the time

Before you know it you're sporting mom jeans with an elastic waistband, reebok tennis shoes from the 80's, a sweatshirt with teddy bears on it, and a neon-orange fanny pack.

And not ironically.

3. Leave the house to go do recreational activities.


Try working out. You're bound to be eating pity food while sitting at home watching Rachel Ray and Judge Judy all day, so you should probably get your bippy into shape.

You could also take the dog out for a walk. But if you dislike your dog, which I do, this may cause problems, as he will begin to develop an unhealthy attachment to you and expect to spend lots more quality time with you. So nevermind, if you don't like your dog, this might backfire.

It's a love-hate relationship.
He loves, I can't stand him.

Maybe try jogging outside, instead. Even though it's crazy hot. Maybe just get up around 7:30 and join the geriatric crowd for a brisk walk at the mall, instead.

4. Help keep the house in order.


Your parents will appreciate it, and they'll probably love you more, which of course will help your self-esteem.

Try cleaning the dishes, or the sinks, or ... you know...whatever needs cleaned.

this is a serious issue.
also, i've figured out how to not print the date anymore.

Maybe see if you can get your siblings involved, you know, as, like, a surprise for your folks. Unless, of course, your siblings are the type that would use this as an opportunity to form an alliance against a common enemy, which, in this case...would be you.

5. Try dressing up once in a while.

It may be tempting to lay around in your pajamas all day. Especially if they are flannel with an adorable ribbon tie. But after approximately 3 hours of pajama-wallowing, the glamour of it all will slowly fade and you'll realize you're just being gross.

On that note, don't stop showering. If it's been 24 hours, hit the showers.

6. Spend quality time with your siblings.

Even when it hurts. Which it just might. But it'll be good for everyone. In theory.

7. Read good books.

If you keep watching all three seasons of Arrested Development for the fourth time on Hulu, your sense of self worth is going to disappear entirely.

At least try to educate yourself. Read good books. Or at least watch the movie version of good books.

8. Get cable.

My parents don't have cable.

S.O.S.

9. Don't watch scary movies at home while everyone else is at work.


Duh.

10. I'm out of ideas but I wanted to end on a round number.

73% of all fake statistics indicate people prefer round numbers.

-bRob