The Dos and Don'ts of Waking bRob Up in the Morning

DO NOT:

10. Steal my pillow and start hitting me with it.


9. Rattle plastic bags for five minutes straight.


The Hulk in me will be awakened and I will

rip...

that...

bag...

to pieces.

with my brute strength.

8. Use animals.


Don't throw the dog's ball on my bed and tell him to jump on me. Also don't place the cat on my head.


7. Pound on my wall as loudly as possible until you elicit a response.


6. Sing loud obnoxious songs at me.


I don't care if the word "sunshine" is in the song.


5. Jump on me and my bed.


Whhhhhhy?


4. Start shredding papers with the extremely loud paper shredder right outside my doorway.

not ok.

3. Communicate with everyone who is already awake by yelling from across the house.


I can hear you too.


2. Pour water and ice on me.


1. Walk in and start having a conversation with me.


If you wish to engage me in conversation, I promise you the time for the conversation is not while I'm wrapped up, burrito-style, in my covers. At best, I will politely ask you to re-initiate the conversation at a later point in time. And then you'll be offended, and then we'll both just feel bad.

These have all happened. All of them.

.

someone woke me up from a nap before i was ready.

Now, before you wake me up, sit back and evaluate the following things:
- Is it after 9am?
- Can "this" wait for one more hour? 
- Have you already made coffee?
**It will only exacerbate the situation of you've made coffee, but not enough for me.




If you must wake me up, you may:


2. Come in and scratch my back gently while softly saying my name and complimenting me in a sing-song voice. 

1. Quietly cook something really delicious and have the soothing aroma waft into my room and tickle my nostrils awake..

I thought I would have more, but no, those are really the only acceptable ways to wake me up.


Also, in case you were wondering, for the first hour and a half after I wake up:
- no eye contact
- no loud noises
- no talking directly to me at all
- grunting is the only acceptable form of communication


This list of rules may have earned me the nickname "the Neanderthal" when I was hosteling in Germany a few years ago.
-bRob