As If I was gonna do Diff Eq anyways...

So. I've been less than awesome lately. In fact, I might say my life was downright pathetic. I've been spiritually dry, mostly because there are things I don't want to let go. The thing about Jesus - you're either in or you're out. You can't say, "Hold on...there's this thing, Jesus." No - we have to deny ourselves DAILY.

Not once.
Not twice.
Every single day.

Some Christians find such joy in that. For some, they are so in love with Jesus Christ that they would do anything asked of them.

Me...I hope to be there soon. Yet I still struggle. I've recently been really angry with God. Why can't I have THIS ONE THING? Hmmm? WHY? I'm doing so great at everything else (ps - that is most definitely not true). All I ask, God, is that you grant me this one wish.
I thought that just maybe if I did everything else right, I would get what I wanted. But sometimes...the answer is still a resounding NO (plus, it's pretty presumptuous to think I'm doing "everything else right.").

I don't know why God has me where He does right now, and we have been more than a little distant as of late. I feel like the Holy Spirit has gotten quieter, which is heartbreaking. But the one thing I know for certain is that He has been saying NO, and while I've tried to rationalize holding on and wishing and wanting and all of that mess, He has been unwavering. You don't negotiate these things with God, I'm learning. So, last night, I relinquished this thing to God .

And while I'm sad and hurt, I take such solace in the fact that I'm back in my Savior's arms again. They'd been there all along, but it's pretty hard to run after God when you're holding on to earthly things.

My pops happened to mention this verse the other day (I, of course, rolled my eyes; who wants to hear a Bible verse when she's feeling foul and bitter?) - and while NO ONE wants to be Cain in the story of Cain and Abel - I find myself identifying wholly with him in these simple verses.

"Then the LORD said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crushing at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it."
-Genesis 4: 6-7

I have been SO angry at God. We've had multiple showdowns these past few weeks (He won...in case you were wondering). I've been frustrated, bitter, rebellious, and mostly, just in a desert. You know? Dry and unsatisfied. And lonely. Distancing yourself from God will leave you feeling very very lonely. Ostracized from other Christians, friends, family, and God - the One who longs for the most intimate relationship.

And that's just it - I haven't done "well." I know it. I knew it all along. I tried to rationalize feeding my own selfish wants and desires instead of going to the Lord. I tried so hard. Seriously, E for Effort, bRob (but really, F for Fail).

That passage made me realize that God knew exactly what I was doing all along. Ignoring Him. Saying no. That's not doing well. That's failing.
I knew it too. But I pretended I didn't.

Let me tell you - I am not happy right now. I am sad. But you know what? I'm NOT lonely. God took me right back. He has been sitting right beside me with a raised brow, patiently loving me and waiting for me to return. I may not feel hopeful, but I have faith that God has a plan for me, one that does not entail my being miserable for forever. I may struggle with these unfulfilled wants, but I am unbelievably relieved that God and I are friends again.

God always wins.

-bRob

Do you ever wonder?

I wonder if the Lord ever gets sick of my nonsense.

I remember last fall when I was going through a really rough time, I cried non-stop. After a while, I don't think anyone cared anymore. I guess I can hardly blame them, but it hurt nonetheless. Nothing hurt more, however, than when someone I esteemed highly and considered one of my closest "people" told me that it was time to get over it. He got angry with me and blew up and told me to stop crying and that it was ridiculous that I wasn't better yet.

And it makes me wonder if sometimes the Lord thinks I'm such a silly girl (I don't mean cute silly, I mean ridiculous and aggravating). I wonder if He gets aggravated that I'm crying again, or disappointed that I've let myself get hurt once more.

And the Bible said the Lord removes our iniquities from us as far as the east is from the west. The Bible also commands us not to grieve the Holy Spirit. If I repeatedly sin, will the Holy Spirit finally say, "Enough is enough, Brittany. You're not listening, so I'm no longer talking." It makes me wonder if this time is the final time, if I've grieved the Holy Spirit so badly, that this time He decides to turn off our communication.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God, even when He is silent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVWYhkWPZ7A

-brittany

a little behind

Mrm, hullo, friend -(I couldn't decide whether I wanted to sound like yoda or cookie monster just then...)


I'm about to go to a cookout, so I'll keep it brief and sweet [i'm just so darn popular].

Recently I heard a couple different sermons on the Holy Spirit, and really, it's changed my outlook on my relationship with God! God sent YOU, fellow Christian, His Counselor to live inside you. Never will you be alone or forsaken. When you have truly decided to live for and about God through the salvation of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit makes a nice home in your rib cage (not really...but inside of you for sure!) and acts as a guide, if you're willing to listen.
Awesome, right? I never really understood the Holy Spirit before...not that I will ever completely understand.

So, I learned today about subwoofers and speakers and tweeters. A speaker works when an electrical current powers a magnet that moves a speaker at a certain frequency. The reason you can't have one speaker that gets the really low sounds AND the really high frequencies is because it isn't physically possible.

A subwoofer has to have a material that can flex for those longer oscillations required of lower frequencies. A tweeter, by contrast, is for really high frequencies. Therefore the material of a tweeter speaker needs to be able to oscillate both tightly and quickly.

That is a very elementary explanation of speakers, but that's more than I knew before today.

Please have a wonderful, uplifting day (in case it hasn't been thus far :( )

Ein bisschen spaeter

Hey reader hey (though I am doubting your actual existence) -
It's been a while, but I am learning lots of new things.

My heart broke a li'l bit yesterday as my little Sentra got pulled away, struggling for breath and leaking oil all over the parking lot. I about cried. Now I get to drive the soccer mommy vehicle. I am grateful I have a means of transportation...but I miss my Sentra.

I went to my FIRST REAL CONCERT on Friday. NeedtoBreathe! I've been discovering a lot of new music lately. If you have a chance, definitely check out the following bands/artists:

1. NeedToBreathe (recommend These Hard Times)
- rock and roll with bluegrass influences?

2. Matt Hires (I think he and I should discuss our pending engagement. He's SO awesome.)
- kind of acoustic-y rock and roll(not at ALL like Jack Johnson)? He's my favorite right now.

3. Will Hoge

4. JJ Heller
- she has to have the sweetest voice I've ever heard. Give her a chance.

Guess what color lobster blood is? I learned [from the trivia on my peaches and cream oatmeal packet] that lobster blood is BLUE!

I also learned that there exists, on MTV, at TV show exclusively devoted to the life of rich teenagers and there is no other premise...it's called The Hills. Why on earth? It has been described to me as "The Real Housewives..." for the younger generation.

Um...now I know.

a non-melodramatic post

Hey hey hey.
Lots has been goin' on here. I'm pooped. I ran a 10 miler this past weekend (say wuttt?), and I got to visit some of the college kids, and I am never disciplined enough to go to bed on time...and I never did get the smoothie I tried to hunt down for an hour last night...in other words, bed time should be any time now.

Anyways, I got promoted-ish today. In reality, I got a bigger desk closer to the mangineers in my dept. (Note: My pay, title, and benefits have not been affected by this promotion. Just my desk).

This week I've learned that quitting coffee is not something to do on a Monday. Or a Tuesday. Maybe a Saturday ;)?

OH - I actually did learn something for real. Did you know San Francisco is the first city to outlaw plastic bags?

Now you know.