And I'll take a side order of Jesus

Hello Interwebs.

It's been a while. But I do not have time for idle chit-chat, so let's begin, Interwebs, and nix the small talk.

I am learning to love Jesus. Slowly but surely, I am trying to make sense of the Enigma that is our Savior. I realized within the past few weeks that I cannot really explain why I believe in Jesus. I love God the Father. I have felt His (note the capital H, NIV and ESV readers. Capital H.) tug at my heart, His love, His hurt as I leave Him, His joy at my return. I have felt the love of God the Father.

But you know what? I feel like I've been kind of piggy-backing Jesus.

JESUS is what separates Christianity from every other religion. And yet I have so little to say to Him or about Him. Growing up in the Baptist Church in the Bible Belt where everyone is a Christian, I kind of accept Jesus and lump Him in with God, without truly understanding or appreciating or QUESTIONING Him for myself.

And that's just silly. That would make me a Christian out of mere convenience and habit, and guess what, those sorts of Christians are dangerous. I would argue that the ignorant Christian can threaten the Kingdom of God just as much as the educated Atheist.
Mark 12:30
Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.

Say wuttt? You mean worshiping the Lord is more than getting the warm fuzzies during "Come Thou Fount?" YES. Don't get me wrong, worship the Lord on an emotional and spiritual level. But if you have questions, don't be afraid of them. God loves your eager and questioning mind, and the pursuit of His word and understanding His given Scriptures is one He will truly honor, I believe. For those who tend to assume Christianity is for the weak of mind and will, you don't even understand how much you are missing. God's Word and Spirit will provide you with more intellectual journeys and pursuits than you could ever dream.

I am about to begin being discipled (a discipleship? I'm kind of at a loss for the correct phrasing) . In the Bible, Christian scholars followed teachers around and learned more about the Christ and His ways (Ex. John 1:35). In fact - the 12 disciples was more than a clever nickname for Jesus' merry band of brothers...they were His students. The lady who is going to be my discipler asked me to compile a list of questions for us to study together.
Here were my first two:
1. How do we KNOW that Jesus is/was the Son of God?
2. Why do we need a Savior?

Once I've grappled with Question 1, I should be able to answer, "Why am I not Jewish?" And once I've worked on Question 2, I can answer the question, "Why not Islam? Why not Buddhism? Why not any other religion?"

How can I witness for Jesus when I don't know why I need Him? I'm so excited about beginning these studies and truly grasping in a more coherent and innate way why I need and want Jesus, not just another religion.

Anways - I promised to say one thing for which I am thankful in every post. Today I am thankful for naptime.

Of course I stole this picture.

What you don't know...

Dear you (InterWebs)-

First off, today I am thankful for days that are gray and equally as thankful for the sweatpants that allow me to fully enjoy gray days, even if they do not accentuate and flatter my figure quite as much as it deserves.

(btdubs - i know this doesn't make it right, but i feel like if i admit to stealing most of the photos i put in my blog, i'm not quite as awful)

Anyways - there's something that is far greater than rainy days and sweatpants I wanted to share today.

And that is the fact that God knows your innermost thoughts and desires, even when you don't. I decided to blog about this while jogging ( with a soft j) today.

{Explanatory Digression}
I like to pray while I run. This is for many reasons:
a) Running is boring. I have to multitask so I don't die of sheer boredom and then go eat something instead of running that last mile
b) I'm a horrible pray-er (someone who prays...?). I figure that while running my mind is finally searching for something to do, so why not converse why God?
c) I always forget to charge my iPod.
{End Digression}

So today, while running, I tried to explain to God that I'm trying to give my heart to Him, and I know I have desires getting in the way, and would He kindly help me with that? And then I went off track (not literally, mentally) and wondered if I was really giving my heart to God. How do I know if I'm truly being honest with God when I say, "Lord, YOU are more important than anything else"?

You see, I'm the master of self-deceit. I can sell myself anything. I can convince myself that what I'm doing is morally or ethically right, or I can just rationalize my bad behaviour like a pro. And knowing the extent of my own self-deception, I don't trust myself anymore. Whenever I try to make an important decision, I end up wildly confused and am constantly second-guessing myself. It's a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and condemnations. What am I doing? Is this right? But now it feels wrong. Should I be doing this instead? But I'm still not certain if this is the right thing to do. By the end, I've gotten myself so twisted and turned around that I'm on the brink of tears, lost and hopeless.

And then I began to think about this verse.
^{Matthew 6:8} ...for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.

God knows. When my emotions and fickle thoughts and prayers leave me muddled, confused, heart-broken and weary, God knows what's going on. I may not be able to sort through my own mess and deception, but God can see down to my core -the evil and the good, He sees the things I'm don't know I'm hiding, He knows the things I'm trying desperately to give up to Him.

And that makes me want to cry with relief. My FATHER knows what I'm really about, deep down. I don't need to try and convince Him of anything. I may not trust myself, but I can certainly trust that the Lord sees through the lies I can't.

If your heart has ever wrestled with thoughts like How saved am I? Do I believe ENOUGH? Am I so muddled and lost that I don't know how muddled and lost I truly am?, find peace in this verse.

1 John 3: 19-20

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.

1 John 3 is one of those life verses you should write on an index card and stick on your bathroom mirror.

POST SCRIPT:
My bestie Marcia showed me this music video. I love it more and more with each passing day. (If you are not a fan of interpretive dance, I PROMISE you it gets better after the first minute or two...I am not an interpretive dance fan either.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Step 2

Happy Blogging Step 2: Blog when you are happy. Actually take the time to sit down and blog when you're feeling good. I generally sad blog because I want someone (the internet counts as a friend, right?) to listen to meeeee. Well now my friend, InterWebs, is going to listen to me talk about the good things going on right now.

First of all, new rule: I have to say something for which I'm thankful EVERY TIME I BLOG.







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Get it??? Oatmeal + peanut butter! YUM. I'm so impressed that I was I able to load these pics. I'm really not very technologically inclined.

Also - I'm thankful for instant forgiveness (I could have made a cheesy segue from instant oatmeal to instant forgiveness, but I DID NOT. )
I'm one of those people that never forgives myself. God, however, is not like that. When you pray sincerely for forgiveness, the Lord doesn't "need a little time to think about it". He forgives you. Right then and there. Is that not weird? WEIRD IN A GOOD WAY. When I pray for forgiveness, I tend to pray about 7 times for the same sin. But guess what? God forgave me after the first prayer. I tend to limit God by my own perceptions of myself and humanity. Because I take so long to forgive myself, God must too. I must FEEL forgiven before I actually am, right? In the words of Jim Carry as the Grinch, WRONG-O. No. If you don't "feel" forgiven, that's on you. Get past it. Get over it. You've repented, and God's forgiven you - messy, broken, stubborn you.

Holla - lujah!

Anyways -

I talked to the South Africa study abroad people (I will just call them "the people" because they're through a third party and I don't really know what else to call them). I get an automatic grant because I go to a public university! It's not huge, but it definitely helps alleviate some costs. And classes DO transfer credit towards my major. I have hope!!!! Onward and upwards: tomorrow I will be calling the study abroad office and sweet-talking my adviser. Let us hope that this will go somewhere (like....South Africa!!!).

Also - I will be mentoring a little girl during my time here at the Dubya. Well, I'll be meeting her tomorrow to see if she's a good match. Shout a prayer out (all one of you readers...) for me - apparently she is a bit of a "mess." I don't know what that means...does she not shower? Will she set my apartment on fire? I don't know. All I know is I'm super excited to have a little friend :) Elementary schoolers are in love with absolutely everything. Everything's fun when you're 8! I hope it works out.

So. Other than that - today was normal. I got yelled at again at work. I didn't really do anything that merited being chewed out. People just like to yell at me because they need someone to yell at. I've been thinking about putting a coin jar out - every time you yell at the co-op, put in a dollar.

Imma be rollin in mad moneyzzzzz.

I should go running now.... 3 miles? (And by 3 I mean 1.5).

tschau,
bRob

My life is here today...berserk tomorrow.

So. My dad keeps telling me I've gone loopy. I always associate loopy with ladies who wear chunky jewelry, pea green frumpy cardigans, and have 3 cats, one of which is hairless. I wear tie dye and green nail polish and have two rats - I'm sure that's close enough. That's right...it's two rats now. Mariella is blind, albino, and a genius. She also pees like Seabiscuit, so beware.

Back to the start - my dad thinks I've gone bonkers because everything in my life right now is topsy-turvy. I take what I've done and flipped it all backwards. I've been rethinking my major, my co-op, my future, my life in general.

I want to get rid of my double major and stick with MAE. But can I handle it, really? And this means I will be sacrificing certain scholarships I've gotten through the industrial engineering department. And I don't even know what I should do post-graduation.
Honestly, I want to do engineering for a Christian mission organization. In Africa. AFRICA. But am I doing this because I feel led? No. Brittany wants to travel so she'll throw the God card.
And will I live in Africa for forever? Do I want a family one day? Will I want to consult? Will I regret giving up ISE?

And, since I was "strongly" discouraged from ditching my third rotation for a EWB trip to Uganda, I have decided that perhaps I should study abroad NEXT fall at the University of Cape Town. Issues: It's mega-expensive, I may not be able to get class credit over there (thus deferring graduation...again), and it's *technically* only for sophomores. But rules are there for bending, right?

My car died the other day. It's been bandaid-ed right now, but I don't think it'll last for too much longer. I have to start researching buying cars. I really want a station wagon, maybe a Subaru? I'm not clued in enough to maintain my own car - so it's definitely gotta be reliable. And cheap. Life costs a lot. Between 5+ (ok - 6) years of college, apartments, food (and of COURSE i'm too snobby to buy regular food...I'm obsessed with the ridiculous stuff that costs $. I mean really, why do I have to buy Greek yogurt? Is yoplait not good enough?), automobiles, oil for my oil sucking automobiles, rat play pens, etc, how will I ever afford anything???

Then there's always my personal demons. My temptations, my desires, my wants, and everything that pulls me away from God.

Good night. When life hits, it hits hard, doesn't it?

In looking through this blog - I realize it seems rather depressing. And really, I never blog when I'm ecstatic. When I'm on fire for God, when I think things are going well, when life makes sense, when I'm not scared or worried or on the verge of (or in the midst of) tears, I don't blog then. I promise I'm not always like this.

I need to start happy blogging.

For instance - I could have blogged Saturday morning. On Friday I was super busy at work (and being super busy = super important, yes? I choose to believe so...) I woke up in my old bed at home with an autumn sun streaming through my window. Fall is my absolute favorite season. Home is becoming one of my favorite places. And my sister's obnoxious wake-up call makes me laugh so hard.


Happy Blogging Step 1: Count your blessings.

Today I am thankful for my family. I love them all. They are giving, "passionate" (ie don't make 'em mad!), vulnerable, hard-working, and strong. They are hilarious and smart. They are truly blessings. Exhausting and frustrating blessings.

Philippians 3:13-15
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.

These past few weeks have not been ideal. It's been a rough couple of weeks, between school work and personal drama and blahblahblah. I pulled a couple of Martha's, and I want to try to focus more on my spiritual growth than on whatever it is I find to preoccupy my time. And also, I bought a rat, as seen here. His name is McFly (that's right - back to the future). To be quite truthful, I wanted a girl (don't tell him that), but this was what Petsmart had to offer. And if you've seen me within the past week, you'll realize I'm absolutely obsessed with him, so I guess it wasn't such a bad purchase after all.


Moving on. The REAL reason I wanted to write a post was to share something that is, to me, a little profound. Did you know...
God created each and every one of us???

Now, before you roll your eyes, listen here. Some people see how big God is when they look at the sunset or the Grand Canyon or the ocean or something like that. And that is wonderful (and really cliche), but that is not what gets me.

When God's greatness and vastness really strikes me in the face is when I look at other people.

I am not a people person, per say. I don't love people, I don't want to hear everyone's story and love them and hug them. It's not how I am. In fact, all too often, I am aggravated and in sheer amazement of how someone has managed to step all over my absolute last nerve.

Do you know anyone who makes you take a step back and question your whole outlook on life? That person that doesn't seem fit into any logical equation, and it drives you bonkers? You know, it's that person who makes you pull your hair out and go, "I have to meet her parents. Maybe something somehow will make sense if I know who raised this person."


And it's in those sorts of people I see the vastness of God. You see, Jesus wants to be my very best friend. He does, I know. And the thing is, He is overcapable of being the absolute bestest friend I could ever have. He will fulfill my every need and will encourage me and discipline me and make me laugh and be there when everyone else lets me down.
And guess what else? He can be that Best Friend for ANYBODY. He IS that best friend for the girl who drives you bonkers. That person that makes absolutely no sense to you, that person you want to roundhouse kick in the face, that person who has hurt you in every way imaginable, that person whose life is so different and undesirable to you - Jesus wants to be, and is more than enough to be, that person's BESTEST friend as well.


Did you get that? He is so dynamic, so wonderful, so immense, that He has the ability to be every individual person's absolute best friend. He's not a little of something for everyone...He has the ability to be everyone's individual everything.

MIND BLOWN.

So, if you see someone who makes you want to punch a care bear with frustration, or there is a homeless person that creeps you out, or someone takes advantage of you, or the weird kid who picks his nose and plays dungeons and dragons (oops, did I just stereotype?) sits next to you, keep this in mind:

Jesus wants to be his or her best friend too. He loves them EVERY BIT as much as He loves you.

God created ALL of us. The crazies, the cheerleaders, the obnoxious kids, the ones who wet the bed, even the left-handed folk and the gingers (haha, I'm a ginger, so that was ok) ...He made each and every one and loves each one uniquely.

That's how big MY God is.