My life is here today...berserk tomorrow.

So. My dad keeps telling me I've gone loopy. I always associate loopy with ladies who wear chunky jewelry, pea green frumpy cardigans, and have 3 cats, one of which is hairless. I wear tie dye and green nail polish and have two rats - I'm sure that's close enough. That's right...it's two rats now. Mariella is blind, albino, and a genius. She also pees like Seabiscuit, so beware.

Back to the start - my dad thinks I've gone bonkers because everything in my life right now is topsy-turvy. I take what I've done and flipped it all backwards. I've been rethinking my major, my co-op, my future, my life in general.

I want to get rid of my double major and stick with MAE. But can I handle it, really? And this means I will be sacrificing certain scholarships I've gotten through the industrial engineering department. And I don't even know what I should do post-graduation.
Honestly, I want to do engineering for a Christian mission organization. In Africa. AFRICA. But am I doing this because I feel led? No. Brittany wants to travel so she'll throw the God card.
And will I live in Africa for forever? Do I want a family one day? Will I want to consult? Will I regret giving up ISE?

And, since I was "strongly" discouraged from ditching my third rotation for a EWB trip to Uganda, I have decided that perhaps I should study abroad NEXT fall at the University of Cape Town. Issues: It's mega-expensive, I may not be able to get class credit over there (thus deferring graduation...again), and it's *technically* only for sophomores. But rules are there for bending, right?

My car died the other day. It's been bandaid-ed right now, but I don't think it'll last for too much longer. I have to start researching buying cars. I really want a station wagon, maybe a Subaru? I'm not clued in enough to maintain my own car - so it's definitely gotta be reliable. And cheap. Life costs a lot. Between 5+ (ok - 6) years of college, apartments, food (and of COURSE i'm too snobby to buy regular food...I'm obsessed with the ridiculous stuff that costs $. I mean really, why do I have to buy Greek yogurt? Is yoplait not good enough?), automobiles, oil for my oil sucking automobiles, rat play pens, etc, how will I ever afford anything???

Then there's always my personal demons. My temptations, my desires, my wants, and everything that pulls me away from God.

Good night. When life hits, it hits hard, doesn't it?

In looking through this blog - I realize it seems rather depressing. And really, I never blog when I'm ecstatic. When I'm on fire for God, when I think things are going well, when life makes sense, when I'm not scared or worried or on the verge of (or in the midst of) tears, I don't blog then. I promise I'm not always like this.

I need to start happy blogging.

For instance - I could have blogged Saturday morning. On Friday I was super busy at work (and being super busy = super important, yes? I choose to believe so...) I woke up in my old bed at home with an autumn sun streaming through my window. Fall is my absolute favorite season. Home is becoming one of my favorite places. And my sister's obnoxious wake-up call makes me laugh so hard.


Happy Blogging Step 1: Count your blessings.

Today I am thankful for my family. I love them all. They are giving, "passionate" (ie don't make 'em mad!), vulnerable, hard-working, and strong. They are hilarious and smart. They are truly blessings. Exhausting and frustrating blessings.

Philippians 3:13-15
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.

These past few weeks have not been ideal. It's been a rough couple of weeks, between school work and personal drama and blahblahblah. I pulled a couple of Martha's, and I want to try to focus more on my spiritual growth than on whatever it is I find to preoccupy my time. And also, I bought a rat, as seen here. His name is McFly (that's right - back to the future). To be quite truthful, I wanted a girl (don't tell him that), but this was what Petsmart had to offer. And if you've seen me within the past week, you'll realize I'm absolutely obsessed with him, so I guess it wasn't such a bad purchase after all.


Moving on. The REAL reason I wanted to write a post was to share something that is, to me, a little profound. Did you know...
God created each and every one of us???

Now, before you roll your eyes, listen here. Some people see how big God is when they look at the sunset or the Grand Canyon or the ocean or something like that. And that is wonderful (and really cliche), but that is not what gets me.

When God's greatness and vastness really strikes me in the face is when I look at other people.

I am not a people person, per say. I don't love people, I don't want to hear everyone's story and love them and hug them. It's not how I am. In fact, all too often, I am aggravated and in sheer amazement of how someone has managed to step all over my absolute last nerve.

Do you know anyone who makes you take a step back and question your whole outlook on life? That person that doesn't seem fit into any logical equation, and it drives you bonkers? You know, it's that person who makes you pull your hair out and go, "I have to meet her parents. Maybe something somehow will make sense if I know who raised this person."


And it's in those sorts of people I see the vastness of God. You see, Jesus wants to be my very best friend. He does, I know. And the thing is, He is overcapable of being the absolute bestest friend I could ever have. He will fulfill my every need and will encourage me and discipline me and make me laugh and be there when everyone else lets me down.
And guess what else? He can be that Best Friend for ANYBODY. He IS that best friend for the girl who drives you bonkers. That person that makes absolutely no sense to you, that person you want to roundhouse kick in the face, that person who has hurt you in every way imaginable, that person whose life is so different and undesirable to you - Jesus wants to be, and is more than enough to be, that person's BESTEST friend as well.


Did you get that? He is so dynamic, so wonderful, so immense, that He has the ability to be every individual person's absolute best friend. He's not a little of something for everyone...He has the ability to be everyone's individual everything.

MIND BLOWN.

So, if you see someone who makes you want to punch a care bear with frustration, or there is a homeless person that creeps you out, or someone takes advantage of you, or the weird kid who picks his nose and plays dungeons and dragons (oops, did I just stereotype?) sits next to you, keep this in mind:

Jesus wants to be his or her best friend too. He loves them EVERY BIT as much as He loves you.

God created ALL of us. The crazies, the cheerleaders, the obnoxious kids, the ones who wet the bed, even the left-handed folk and the gingers (haha, I'm a ginger, so that was ok) ...He made each and every one and loves each one uniquely.

That's how big MY God is.

As If I was gonna do Diff Eq anyways...

So. I've been less than awesome lately. In fact, I might say my life was downright pathetic. I've been spiritually dry, mostly because there are things I don't want to let go. The thing about Jesus - you're either in or you're out. You can't say, "Hold on...there's this thing, Jesus." No - we have to deny ourselves DAILY.

Not once.
Not twice.
Every single day.

Some Christians find such joy in that. For some, they are so in love with Jesus Christ that they would do anything asked of them.

Me...I hope to be there soon. Yet I still struggle. I've recently been really angry with God. Why can't I have THIS ONE THING? Hmmm? WHY? I'm doing so great at everything else (ps - that is most definitely not true). All I ask, God, is that you grant me this one wish.
I thought that just maybe if I did everything else right, I would get what I wanted. But sometimes...the answer is still a resounding NO (plus, it's pretty presumptuous to think I'm doing "everything else right.").

I don't know why God has me where He does right now, and we have been more than a little distant as of late. I feel like the Holy Spirit has gotten quieter, which is heartbreaking. But the one thing I know for certain is that He has been saying NO, and while I've tried to rationalize holding on and wishing and wanting and all of that mess, He has been unwavering. You don't negotiate these things with God, I'm learning. So, last night, I relinquished this thing to God .

And while I'm sad and hurt, I take such solace in the fact that I'm back in my Savior's arms again. They'd been there all along, but it's pretty hard to run after God when you're holding on to earthly things.

My pops happened to mention this verse the other day (I, of course, rolled my eyes; who wants to hear a Bible verse when she's feeling foul and bitter?) - and while NO ONE wants to be Cain in the story of Cain and Abel - I find myself identifying wholly with him in these simple verses.

"Then the LORD said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crushing at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it."
-Genesis 4: 6-7

I have been SO angry at God. We've had multiple showdowns these past few weeks (He won...in case you were wondering). I've been frustrated, bitter, rebellious, and mostly, just in a desert. You know? Dry and unsatisfied. And lonely. Distancing yourself from God will leave you feeling very very lonely. Ostracized from other Christians, friends, family, and God - the One who longs for the most intimate relationship.

And that's just it - I haven't done "well." I know it. I knew it all along. I tried to rationalize feeding my own selfish wants and desires instead of going to the Lord. I tried so hard. Seriously, E for Effort, bRob (but really, F for Fail).

That passage made me realize that God knew exactly what I was doing all along. Ignoring Him. Saying no. That's not doing well. That's failing.
I knew it too. But I pretended I didn't.

Let me tell you - I am not happy right now. I am sad. But you know what? I'm NOT lonely. God took me right back. He has been sitting right beside me with a raised brow, patiently loving me and waiting for me to return. I may not feel hopeful, but I have faith that God has a plan for me, one that does not entail my being miserable for forever. I may struggle with these unfulfilled wants, but I am unbelievably relieved that God and I are friends again.

God always wins.

-bRob

Do you ever wonder?

I wonder if the Lord ever gets sick of my nonsense.

I remember last fall when I was going through a really rough time, I cried non-stop. After a while, I don't think anyone cared anymore. I guess I can hardly blame them, but it hurt nonetheless. Nothing hurt more, however, than when someone I esteemed highly and considered one of my closest "people" told me that it was time to get over it. He got angry with me and blew up and told me to stop crying and that it was ridiculous that I wasn't better yet.

And it makes me wonder if sometimes the Lord thinks I'm such a silly girl (I don't mean cute silly, I mean ridiculous and aggravating). I wonder if He gets aggravated that I'm crying again, or disappointed that I've let myself get hurt once more.

And the Bible said the Lord removes our iniquities from us as far as the east is from the west. The Bible also commands us not to grieve the Holy Spirit. If I repeatedly sin, will the Holy Spirit finally say, "Enough is enough, Brittany. You're not listening, so I'm no longer talking." It makes me wonder if this time is the final time, if I've grieved the Holy Spirit so badly, that this time He decides to turn off our communication.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God, even when He is silent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVWYhkWPZ7A

-brittany

a little behind

Mrm, hullo, friend -(I couldn't decide whether I wanted to sound like yoda or cookie monster just then...)


I'm about to go to a cookout, so I'll keep it brief and sweet [i'm just so darn popular].

Recently I heard a couple different sermons on the Holy Spirit, and really, it's changed my outlook on my relationship with God! God sent YOU, fellow Christian, His Counselor to live inside you. Never will you be alone or forsaken. When you have truly decided to live for and about God through the salvation of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit makes a nice home in your rib cage (not really...but inside of you for sure!) and acts as a guide, if you're willing to listen.
Awesome, right? I never really understood the Holy Spirit before...not that I will ever completely understand.

So, I learned today about subwoofers and speakers and tweeters. A speaker works when an electrical current powers a magnet that moves a speaker at a certain frequency. The reason you can't have one speaker that gets the really low sounds AND the really high frequencies is because it isn't physically possible.

A subwoofer has to have a material that can flex for those longer oscillations required of lower frequencies. A tweeter, by contrast, is for really high frequencies. Therefore the material of a tweeter speaker needs to be able to oscillate both tightly and quickly.

That is a very elementary explanation of speakers, but that's more than I knew before today.

Please have a wonderful, uplifting day (in case it hasn't been thus far :( )